« Give the romantic relationship the true place it deserves
and stop waiting on a man to rescue me ! »
As I wrote down this new resolution in my journal today, I felt an incredible sense of relief and intense excitement suddenly coming over me. I couldn't help but smile – I was very pleased with myself and this conclusion I had come up with, after long hours of brainstorming on the topic of romantic relationships and filtering the whole wide range of emotions I had gone through these past couple weeks.But what does this exactly mean and how did the reflection even start? Why do I feel that it is especially now or never that I need to review my underlying values? And what does it even have to do with the creative journey this blog is all about?
Autopilot OFF – truth be told…
It was hard to admit it first, BUT it was necessary. It was all the more challenging as I would generally define myself as one of those super independent women who love men, but truly can handle their own business by themselves – because after all, oh, I am an Artist ! Yet, ego set apart, as I took a closer look at both my professional and private life, I realized that I was just giving lip service to this concept the whole time and my true and primary priority in life was.. – guess what? – A relationship! Marriage. A husband. The question here of course is – how could I possibly make someone I have not even met yet, a priority in my present life? It is like the whole time, I’ve only been waiting for somebody to show up and rescue me from my own self-imposed restrictions, because a romantic relationship was to provide me with my core needs – which are different from one person to another. Mines are passion, admiration, playfulness, a sense of wonder, feeling cared for, feeling unique, feeling whole, making me want to contribute and a few other things. The point is that once the relationships would no longer satisfy these needs, there would no longer be any relationship at all. Such a heavy burden on the man involved, huh? But it goes even deeper than this, because if my core needs can only be met by the existence of a relationship, then whenever I am not in a relationship I am frustrated, lifeless, livid – searching for a new relationship ? And there it comes full circle and the snake bites its own tail again – ouch !
Step aside SUPERWOMAN !
I picked the book by Christine Brown-Quinn just recently and what I read blew my mind from the first chapter. It gently nudged me to ask myself questions I have actually never asked myself before, because I did not know that this whole frustration I had been feeling was coming from me trying to fit into my mother’s outdated vision for the traditional family structure. Let’s say it how it was: when she was in her twenties, my mother wanted to be an actress, but a few disappointements combined with my grandmother’s obvious lack of support sent her to becoming a teacher instead. Then she met my father and by 25 she was married, expecting her first child – my eldest brother and managing work and family time to her best ability. Now I do not blame it on my father, if my mother did not become an actress, but in a way, the fact that she settled for the least enticing career choice, most likely raised her expectations as far as romance and marriage were concerned. I do believe that as kids, we do not necessarily need to be told things to buy into our parents’ values – witnessing them is enough. And despite the fact that both my parents have always strongly encouraged me to be this independent chick, I would get mixed messages when I would see my mother act as if family life and marriage was actually THE ultimate goal to self-fulliment at any expense !
More on mixed messages…
And it does not just end there, simple and seemingly innocent observations can in fact play a huge part in influencing our choices of underlying values for our lives.
‘Gee, you are almost 27, when will you finally become serious and settle down?’
And there you go, but our generation is a different kind of generation and we now have the opportunities to work at very high positions, at jobs that are actually our passion. At almost 27, I’ve travelled to some of the most beautiful and magical places in the world, I do not have kids, I am currently single and my professional situation is still lacking stability, but I have ambitions, skills and a strong will not to settle for anything less then what I truly think I deserve. A few years ago, this would require much more sacrifices and stakes would definitely be higher. Of course I do not mean to blame my mother for trying to pass an outdated role model onto me. I guess I just mean to say ‘thank you’, roll up my own sleeves and build a life that is more suitable for my own present needs.
Life partner NOT Husband !
Maybe it is the misconception that comes from the misuse of the term ‘husband’, but from now on, I prefer to say ‘life partner’. There is indeed something heavy about the word ‘husband’, something too submissive, something too dependant that I simply cannot seem to ‘husband’. I think each person should also rethink what marriage really means to them – or at least at my stage in life, what a relationship really means.
Yesterday I had a fun talk with a male friend of mine, his own view on relationships was quite categorical :
‘I think some women need to stop fooling themselves and just admit that the only reason why they start certain relationships, is just because they feel they have to be in a relationship to feel ‘allowed’ to have sex with the person they are interested in. It is an old belief that still prevails.’
I nodded. I could certainly recall the times I’ve settled for poor relationships with guys I honestly did not have much in common, but a strong physical attraction. My friend continued:
‘I think women should take responsibility for their own sexual liberation, be upfront and face their desires, instead of just looking for reasons to break up once the need has been more or less satisfied.’
In conclusion
Again, I caught myself thinking about my desire for a thriving career in the Arts and the sacrifices it would imply – even in the realms of relationships. Continuing to play this game of stating one thing and secretly trying to live up to old beliefs will only make me a looser in both fields. I don’t mean to walk endlessly from one relationship to another, searching for the very thing that is the missing piece to my professional puzzle. That being said, it is all about creating the kind of balance that suits you best. Your own role model for a life that no one else is going to live but you.
To stop waiting on a man to rescue me does not mean that I give up on love in any way, it just means that my expectations becomes more objective, more reality-based, more accurate, and I give my future partner the freedom to be himself. It makes me become responsible for my own happiness and it ends the myth which up to now clearly prevented me from owning my own present and claiming my rank in this evolutionary process.
