be a good mother

turned SIX on Friday! I can hardly even believe that it was six years ago that I held her and kissed her. Goodness! I hope she had a really great birthday. I haven’t gotten pictures in about a year, so hopefully I will get new pictures of the big girl’s birthday. :)

Six years old!! Crazy!

I want to be a good mother. I believe that I am a good mother. I have a lot of improving to do, but I am a good mom. But I am facing my hardest challenge yet as his mother….
Dealing with his father!
I finally asked his father to start sending child support last month. I knew what that would do, I was right. It sent him off. I’ll leave out all of the pointless in-between details. But because I did that, he is now pursuing visitation. He doesn’t want to go through the court system, he wants it to be set up between the two of us. I have been willing to do this. I don’t want to keep Hudson from his dad. Hello, that is why I have taken Hudson out to LA something like 8 times. Those types of trips are not going to be happening anymore, at least not right now. Anyway, Hudson hardly knows his dad. I just can’t let him come and take my 21 month old baby for a weekend. Hudson would be traumatized. I asked him if we can take baby steps with this. He flipped. He refuses to see that we need to do what is best for Hudson, which is sincerely what I am trying to do.
On a side note, the thought of being without him for a weekend or a week sounds unbearable for me. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to him, but that is not what this is about. I am a grown-up, I would deal. This is about Hudson.
Anyway… tonight was my final straw, I don’t think I can do this with him anymore. He is making it so hard for me to be the type of person I want to be. I try so hard to bite my tongue when I am on the phone with him, but he is IMPOSSIBLE! So I bite, bite, bite until he just pushed one button too many and then I become a sarcastic sass. I don’t want to be that person. But nabil has no intention of changing his behavior. So….
I am making an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I think it is the only way. But doing that is going to turn this toxic relationship even more toxic. I’ve decided it is what I have to do anyway. I don’t have to put up with this treatment. I don’t have to sit on the phone for hours a day being called all the names in the book. I tried very hard to make this relationship work. When it didn’t, I tried very hard to keep us on friendly terms. That didn’t work either. This is my only alternative.

I’m sick to my stomach. Hell is going to break loose.

Actually it wasn’t an article, it was in one of my textbooks, but anyway…..
It said that for every positive thing we tell children, they hear 400 negative things.
400! That is a crazy huge number, I couldn’t believe it. But then I thought of how many times I tell Hudson to not touch that, don’t do that, that is naughty, you’re in trouble, stop it… He hears negative things all the time. So I am really going to try to make a point at pointing out the good and cutting out the bad.

It has been stressing me out. I mean how hard should it be to shop for a 10 month old? It shouldn’t be hard and yet… hard!! I want him to be have a fantastic Christmas where he is spoiled rotten. Problem is, he doesn’t really need anything and if I buy him a million toys I have to be able to put them somewhere and clean them up. So I am using some self control and not going overboard. :)

Hudson is so stinking cute, growing up so fast. I’m one lucky momma!

I feel like I have the crappiest attorney in the whole world. nabil STILL has not been served so that we can have custody, visitation, and child support worked out! Hudson will be six months old next week, I started trying to get this done when he was only a month and a half old. Come on, isn’t that a bit ridiculous? He still has not even been served!!! AAAH!!! If I had a gazillion dollars I would just get a new attorney, but I can’t do that. I am so annoyed. Our latest court date is later this month and I am sure it will have to be postponed again, just like our last two, because he won’t get served in time. OH MY GOSH!!! This has got to get done!!!!

Hudson’s baby book is now up to date. I have printed photos now for his photo album, so I don’t have to feel guilty for that anymore. And I have spent the past week working on a little book for him that is of all the people who love him.
I was feeling like a bad mother before that all got done. Like what kind of mom does not write down the date of the first time she saw her baby smile. I suck! :) But I am better now.

((Quick side note… Someone from here is responsible for the cute little monkey outfit he is wearing, I for the life of me can not remember who it is though. So if you remember sending us a cute monkey set, that is it and thanks so much cuz he is TOO cute in it!! I love the ears on the hat!))

But I knew it would be. Things with nabil have continued to be such a rollercoaster. It’s so exhausting. Bless his heart, he deserves points, he has begged and pleaded for Hudson and I to move out to LA to be with him. But I just can’t agree to that. Am I wrong? I can’t fully figure it out. I just can’t see us having a “happily ever after”. I think he wants it to work out but can it? I don’t think so. I don’t think he could ever be happy with me. I am just not “nabil material”. But as of tonight he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me again. His words, “Don’t call me again. Don’t even call if he’s dying.” Wow! I know he is in pain, but I don’t know what to do about it.
I am really trying to do what is best for Hudson and I! I am. Am I doing it in the wrong way? Am I really screwing up Hudson’s life? Gosh, I hope not! My heart is breaking for nabil, but I have to look out and protect myself and Hudson.

Anyway… here is a more recent photo. Isn’t he cute? If I remember correctly, I believe that the pajamas are from lovely Miss Flirt! (thanks!)

Sorry for venting for a minute! Man I have missed it here!

Its tough. I decided not to move out to California and I decided to be done with nabil. That has not gone over so well with him. So it has been a rough bumpy couple of months. But in the end it will be great I’m sure. I will feel much better once custody is established. Hoping that will be soon.

Hudson is doing awesome. He is so stinkin sweet and cute. He is a good little baby. He will usually sleep for 5 or 6 hours at a time at night, so I can’t complain there. Gosh, he is just perfect and beautiful!! He is getting close to being a smiley baby, I can’t wait for that, He will smile every once in a while, I just want them more. :)

Life is good!

if he knew that I was putting this here. But hopefully what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. He specifically told me not to put a picture of Hudson online, anywhere. I agreed. Woops! But how can I not show you how perfect he is!!!