fall in love forever

Eventually… I know I will. I’m not worried.

:)

“Find someone to love ME forever!!”

Cuz it seems that is going to be the struggle, not what I have it at now!

STINKS

!!!!!!

that I was at work and nabil showed up. I ran towards him and just attacked him with the biggest hug. He hugged me back and it was perfect. Then my phone rang and it basically woke me up. I tried so hard to fall back asleep to that dream. You ever try to do that? It didn’t work, the dream was lost. Now I am sad! I lost my best friend and all I have wanted for the past three weeks is a hug from him!! It took a dream to actually get one.

I was going to fly out to LA today for just the day so that I could talk to him to his face. I looked into plane tickets and was just waiting for his ok before buying them. He never responded to my phone call or texts about it. He has definitly defintly written me off. I don’t think I exsist to him anymore! And that breaks my heart! I know you all think I should let it go, let him go, But it is hard. I love him, he has been my best friend and now just like that, when I need him the most, he is gone!

:(

for six weeks nabil has returned to LA. He left bright and early yesterday morning! We had a lot of fun while he was here. We also had our share of Drama!! :) nabil should be coming back next month. :) So that is HAPPY! I guess if I turn out pregnant a lot about him may be up in the air. But for now, he has left me and it makes me sad. But I will see him next month so I am ok! It was fun to play with him here while it lasted!

We both ended up getting off work pretty early, so we were able to meet up for dinner. We went to a fun place and had some great pizza. Its just so nice to spend time with him. I was really quiet though tonight. Not totally sure why, but it bothered him. :( Oh well. .....

It was a good night though. I SO enjoy being with him. He said to me tonight “I love you so much.” He said it so beautifully and sweetly and ah…! But I’m not sure if you can believe what a man says in moments like those. So I am trying not to read to much into it. But it did just make me smile and feel so so happy and warm inside! :)

It was a good night. I don’t “plan” on seeing him again til maybe Friday or Sunday. But who know… we’ll see how things play out!

I love him, he’s wonderful! But I still stand by the last thing I wrote about him…. (I am done and giving up!)

I adore him… absolutely ADORE him, would do ANYTHING for him. I love him so completely. But I am tired. I am tired of not being loved in return. He adores me, I know that. He thinks I am amazing and wonderful, I have no doubt. I also know that he loves me. But he is certainly not IN love with me. If he is, he refuses to acknowledge it. And you know what… FINE! I can’t make you love me. Trust me I tried. As I told him a week ago, “I have spent the last nine months trying to make you feel the same about me as I do for you. Trying to make you think I am good enough. And you are just not going to.” So I think I am throwing in the towel. I am going to stop trying and accept what it is and accept how he feels.

It was SO great to see him tonight…. To see his little shiny head, to hug him, to talk to him. So great to kiss his cute little lips. Like I said, I adore him. And I will continue to do so. I think we will have a GREAT time together while he is SLC for the month. But I don’t feel “invested” anymore. I will accept it. I will continue to adore, I will continue to love, I will continue to be his best friend. But I am pulling my heart out of this race. How I see it now, that door has closed. Maybe just maybe I may consider reopening it. But probably not. He will be sad, I have no doubt, when he realizes what has happened. And I think down the road he will see that I was, by far, the GREATEST girl he could have chosen and that he let me go. He is gonna realize it, he will!

But it will be ok…for me and for him! He is amazing and wonderful and so am I. We are perfect together. But if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. That’s just the way it is.

There is this song I recently found on iTunes and it has this line that jumped out at me SO much. It just fits how I feel PERFECTLY. I could not have said it better myself…

“…Its not that I don’t understand you, Its not that I don’t want to be with you. But you only wanted me the way you wanted me. So I’m going to head out alone and hope for the best….”

PERFECT! What I would have said, had I been able to find the words! There is this other song that I am obsessed with, that totally gives me motivation. It reminds me of how I NEED to be about this whole situation and about life in general! .…

“….I’ve had enough of love, it feels good to give up, so good to be good to myself … …. … ….So much for love, I guess I’ve been wrong, But it’s all right cuz I’m moving on… … … I’m gonna be carefee, and let nothing pass me by, never ever again….”

I love that song. I just listen to it over and over and over again. Seriously…for HOURS!! That song and this next one. Last song I mention tonight I swear. This one though I actually switched his ringtone to cuz it explains me so well again! My favorite line(s)….

“…Everyone knows I’m in over my head…. And suddenly I become a part of your past, I’m becoming the part that don’t last, I’m losing you and its EFFORTLESS (so! the best line!)….”

Wow, if that wasn’t totally how I have been feeling lately….

Anyway, point is this… I am done. I’m just done. I am thrilled that he is here and I am excited to spend this time with him. But it won’t be how it has been. I can’t allow it to be!

I am REALLY excited! I am going to LA for 4 days in a few weeks to play with nabil! There are a MILLION reasons why I shouldn’t go on this trip, but all I seem to care about are the few reason why I should… I LOVE HIM, HE MAKES ME HAPPY, and I MISS HIM!! So from the 6-9th of May I will be in LA. We are going to go to Disneyland one day and the beach one day, and OF COURSE go to my two FAVORITE places to eat…..I can’t wait for my pancakes, soup and salad!! YUM!!
Anyway, I am excited and happy! Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face!

But I think I may be buying my plane ticket, to go out to LA for my birthday, tomorrow. I know in my heart of hearts that this trip will most certainly do nothing but make me fall more in love and get more hurt. That it will put me exactly where I shouldn’t be.. lala land! But I can’t help it. I love him, I want to be near him so badly. So I think I am going. I’m sorry to all of you who thought I was stronger than this. I guess I’m not!

I FINALLY had the conversation with him! It is late and I am tired, physically and emotionally, so I will give more details later. But ya…it didn’t go how I had been hoping it would go…but it is ok. And I feel an immense sense of relief now that it is out there, out there in the open. ....

I will tell more later! Goodnight!