get pregnant

I’ve tried to write about this several times and failed miserably, so I’ve stayed off the site instead. This week I was going to announce my pregnancy. On November 17th, within hours of my last entry for this goal, I took a HPT which came up positive. I was completely, absolutely over the moon, we both were. The next few weeks were bliss. Cautious, private, first trimester bliss, but bliss.

I went for the blood tests, found my journal from when I had Isak and began making new notes, switched to prenatal vitamins and started logging my food, had my H1N1 shot, got out our pregnancy/baby books, we discussed babies and the importance of becoming a big brother with Isak (our due date was his 5th birthday), joined an online pregnancy board, set up a cute countdown ticker, finally told my parents and Daniel & Aimee the big news at Thanksgiving dinner, picked up the crib, started pondering names we like, went to my first pre-natal appointment, and we simply basked in the happy knowledge that someone was growing inside me.

I’ve been bursting with joy and couldn’t wait to share my news here (it was so, so hard to keep quiet). I even had a little video of the test turning positive and the excitement that ensued that I was going to use to let the cat out of the bag before checking this goal off and adding “have a healthy pregnancy” to the top of my list. That was going to be my big resolution for 2010.

Then my hCG levels came back on the low side of normal, which would have been fine, except that when we re-tested several days later they had only gone up a little when they should have doubled. Not a good sign. Because it could have been an issue with mistaken dates or late ovulation I went in for an ultrasound Monday at what should have been close to 8 weeks, and it appears that something hit the pause button somewhere along the way.

The sonographer was lovely. She spoke with me warmly the whole time, answered all my questions, assured me it wasn’t ectopic/tubal (which I’d spent the weekend terrified about), but said she believed it was probably an anembryonic pregnancy (where there is conception, fertilization, and implantation, but no baby develops). If nothing happens, I need to go back in a week or so to be 100% sure.

The problem now (other than coping with the grief, which is overwhelming) is that my body is holding on to the pregnancy. All the symptoms are still there, and if this is still the case when we’re absolutely sure things aren’t viable, I’ll require either chemical or medical intervention. All of the options I have are pretty sad and scary right now.

I’ve never dealt with this before. The M word. I feel like I’m not even supposed to talk about it, but I can’t just pretend that nothing has happened. It’s hard to believe that something so physically tiny has pulled our emotions to such extremes, high and now low.

As usual, I’m trying hard to look at the positives: we weren’t sure how our fertility was after my surgery in 2008, and this proves things are in working order as far as getting pregnant goes. It’s also a huge relief that I’m not dealing with implantation somewhere destructive. I’m so glad I have a good man and a beautiful little boy to cuddle through this. But this is hard. This is up there with the hardest things I’ve had to deal with, and my heart hurts badly.

We wanted this baby so very, very much.

Sometimes it seems that getting pregnant is so easy for some people, especially people that aren’t even trying or would rather not be.

Baby-dust is floating everywhere lately: another birth and two new pregnancies (three, if you count the secret one). On the flip side, we’re still waiting patiently, and a dear friend who’s been trying for years is having complications again.

Isak saw a freshly arrived baby at Superstore the other night and asked excitedly if we could please bring it home. He quite likes the idea of being a big brother. Then this week both Markus and had dreams about me being pregnant. They’re still just dreams though. At least I think so…

Le sigh.

10/09: 14 – 17 ^30D

A little late this month, but it was just that. A little late.

09/09: 15 – 18 ^28D

We’ve run from spring through summer and headfirst into fall. We’re still running though. Our tests were normal, so even though the hope’s a tad bruised, it’s still shining.

A couple of the other preschool moms had babies over the summer and oh they’re so lovely and tiny and new; their big brothers and sisters so proud. I’m just a slight shade of green (just a minor hue, a mere hint of chartreuse).

I wish I could rewind my clock back a few years, but since that’s not an option we’ll just keep trying and hope for the best.

08/09: 19 – 22 ^28D

Blood tests done, his and hers. One left for this first round.

I suppose this month conception might have over-crowded the life party, but we sent an invitation anyway. Life always stirs some chaos into the mix. We’ll keep trying.

07/09: 23 – 26^26D

We’re not worried, but we want to double check under our respective hoods (sooner rather than later) to be sure everything is in fine running order, so Monday we had an appointment with Dr. Joy. I brought in my charts, we had a nice chat about baby making (I’m glad M is so comfortable talking about these things in detail, I know many men aren’t) and left with some good advice and a paper fan of lab requisitions to check blood, hormone levels, and such. We both have a date with a needle tomorrow, and a prescription for extra love. Sexy.

06/09: 27 – 30^26D

We’re still having fun (and I’m continuing to keep track of when to have extra fun), but nothing’s been fruitful thus far. I find myself saddled with some monthly disappointment pangs that kick in shortly after the cramps do, but we’re energetically optimistic. It hasn’t been that long. We watched an interesting (and humorous) show about sperm recently; added a few new things to the knowledge bank.

Some good news – one of my oldest friends (who hopped on the baby making wagon around the same time as we did) just found out they’re six weeks along! It’s extra nice to hear because she was with me when I found out about Isak. I wish her & her husband a very happy and healthy pregnancy. And hey, sometimes these things are contagious…

Still trying
06/09: 03-06^29D

Just to keep track
03/09: 17-20 ^34D
04/09: 09-12 ^23D
05/09: 05-08 ^26D

Several of my friends are also shining up their eggs, although some have been trying longer than others (maybe we should start a baby pool!). It’s still soon. If we get to the 6 month mark and there still seems to be a no parking sign on my belly, I’ll schedule a chat with Joy. Until then, we’ll just keep on keeping on, which I have absolutely no complaints about.

Sadly, it seems to be a no. At least for now. Negative stick last night, negative test at the office. The peculiar thing is, I feel pregnant. I’m nailing all the symptoms in the book & I’m nearly a week late, but maybe wishful thinking shook my biological tree. My doctor did say that everything looks great & that if AF is AWOL a week from now, I should get a blood test to be 100% sure.

It would have been shockingly soon for us to conceive, I know, but I’m still feeling pretty down. It was a good test drive of our emotions though, which were very joyful at the prospect. Maybe next time. We were expecting a long haul & are still chock full of hope.

Thank you for the cheers and comments, I almost feel like apologies are in order – I may be less exuberantly vocal about unverified oven-bun suspicions in the future. Bright side? This means I can enjoy some Guinness tomorrow. Stay tuned.