beat social anxiety

Yes, I think I’m good.
Keeping them below the neck, at least.

I think it’s at a normal level. Whatever that is.

I’m looking you in the eye.
I’m smiling.

:)

How to explain? How to explain how much better this is. Maybe talking about it has helped, the little self-inflicted pushes, the intense events of the summer, shots of esteem helium, a different perspective, I’m really not sure.

I am sure that this is a lot better. I find myself thinking about it in situations I previously would have found unbearable. Realizing (sometimes a little surprised) that for the most part I’m fine.

Examples? Being alone on a crammed full skytrain on my way downtown and chatting with people instead of trying to hyperventilate without anyone noticing. Or striking up conversations with strangers and setting off chain reactions of smiles as I walk down the street.

OR signing up for a night class, going and being the first one to try something in front of everyone & not feeling that flush of paralysis as if I’m going to somehow cut off my thumb or throw up (last night was a bit of a personal test).

My weird nervousness has more frequently than not turned into a rush of enjoyment instead. I still have my moments, but I’m starting to think everyone does.

And I’m starting to think maybe I can take this off my list.

Although I’ve had this on my list for a while, I’ve neglected to write an entry for it, although I’ve tried numerous times. I found ZenJen’s posts here were very much on the ball (those unfortunately seem to have vanished now).

I don’t deal with this all of the time, but when I do, it’s pretty bad. And because I’m inconsistent, I feel even more awkward when it kicks in, especially if I’m with people I’ve previously been fine around.

SA seems to manifest itself in 2 ways for me:

1) The Shrinking Violet (internally awkward, tongue tied firmly around a cat, ready to flush and run) Sometimes people don’t notice that I’m being so quiet. Before I quit smoking, it was a handy crutch for these times.

2) The Comedic Spaz (wakka wakka wakka). When I went into early labor Markus said he felt like he was waiting at the hospital with Rodney Dangerfield (although I suppose everyone’s socially anxious when wearing a hospital gown).

Lately (since I added it to my list), I’ve read up on SA a bit and have been consciously trying to do things I’m not always comfortable with, especially little “normal” things, like asking strangers for the time, talking with other moms at the park, striking up conversations with people on the street or supermarket, quality eye-contact, things like that.

I have a loose checklist in my head and try to push myself whenever possible, even if it’s just smiling at someone I don’t know, phoning people I don’t know well or showing up at a gathering when I’m feeling particularly un-talkative. It’s helping. Slowly, but at least it seems to be going in the right direction.

I’ll go for long stretches where it doesn’t touch me at all, and I feel anti-awkward and socially graceful and like I have the butterflies by the balls (butterballs?). I think that’s why it’s so frustrating when it suddenly kicks in again.

I think I’ll know when it’s time to mark this as done. It isn’t yet. I’d like to spend more time really thinking about when it started for me and what the factors are that either help or throw me to the wolves.

I definitely feel for anyone with this on their list. I also feel like there are a lot of things you (and I) can do about it.