just about getting out there.
Runnergal has written 11 entries about this goal
hmm maybe its almost like resisting freedom. resisiting opputunities in front of me?
I’m just so glad i took the risk to go to vegas and its got me wondering what risks i should or shouldnt take.
yesterday i had an audition for ap rt i know i would have been perfect for. the autiditon was over my lunch break.. but when i went they made me wait.. and wait and wait.. and before you know it i had to elave because i felt so bad that i wasnt doing my job. And its true like its not fair to those that arent being given my oppuruntitiy/ role, for me to just go slack off. And I can be happy knowing that but i mean C’monnnnnnnnnnn. I would have loved that gig or at least the shot to try! I dont want to feel like waiting would have been worth the risk because that just upsets me, but so does the idea of having left – would someone who was in my position have done the same thing? One of the other actors.
All i can focus on is that I did what I felt was right, and even though it sucks.. just look to what i wish for from the future i guess!
maybe i havnt been searching for him as much as seraching for his approval- would it be different now? do i fit your lifestyle and where you see yourself going now? Am i good enough yet? Even those days where im like fuck it if its meant to be its meant to be- im like almost bartering with god- is it now?
It’s like my mind is made up and im stubbornly set on him. but at the expense of my heart?
I accidently drove past his work yesterday. Ive been actively avoiding THAT potential run in at least ( mostly – potentially shamefully- because i dont want him to think ive saught him out) . But I had no choice yesterday while running some errands. Honestly it didnt even cross my mind until I realized i was holding my breath and my heart felt like it was sinking. And i turned to realize the landmarks that he’d described to me about his building ( i knew the general area but had never seen this before) AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I HAD SUCH A STRONG REACTION ( i iamgine it has somethign to do with knowing how close he is, yet how he has never tried to reach out etc. more of the same old shit)
Like it or not it got me back writing last night trying to place that feeling. Theres still creativity there .
But I guess im recognizing that its about ME. Not about him. recognizing emotions within myself? ANd recognizing how unfair it is to continue tortuing myself with woulda coulda shouldas/still coulda’s.
i dunno tomorrow i go to vegas for work in a position thats borderline tag along. I just hope that i dont allow myself to get in a melancholic mode thinking about him or something!
and stop requiring approval to take steps forward .
And quite frankly if i find that the steps forward people are praising are kind of the obvious ones ( i.e. desiring the big girl house, big girl job etc) , I no longer have use for those people. My life needs to be filled with people who encourage youthfulness, creativitiy, and becoming more of MYSELF! Not more of a ‘real person.’ More of an ‘adult’ or whatever the fuck that is. Like my life is about so much more than preparing myself to be in a position where I can socially acceptably procreate and like raise that child to the best of my frickin pinterest board knowledge! FUCK THAT SHIT
It’s a tough world out there and fighting for being who you are is a tough road.
I am not powerless to do something.. i just have to actually do it.
hmm maybe im more aware of what I need to do than I think. Looking at the last post and the idea of putting faith in what i know- maybe i’ve been preventing myself from opening up and allowing oppurtunities to unfold naturally.
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about what oppurtunities are just consequential. Right place at the right time… and I guess i know which aren’t by how inspired or excited i felt. what it inspired me to do.
in most cases the consequentiality was in the form of barriers that came in the way ( distance mostly) and i never knew how to get overcome them… eeven when that gap was closed… (and they were standing right in front of me at some race._
was i ever even supposed to try ( to overcome the distance, or the barriers) or just have an imperfect ending that fades into my present?
but my heart and confidence were so broken i didn’t see how they would like me anyways?
or coudn’t handle their rejection?
i was afraid of confronting them knowing my mind still hoped? FOR WHAT EXACTLY?
Its just so easy to place faith in what you know
like how can I move on from something honestly when I DON”T have any future plans.
HONESTY is key i guess.
Everythings changing and I cant be sure, but maybe the old way is just what I prefer.
At least when it comes to my relationship with the company..it’s hard to feel like I’m dissapointing them when I don’t take work with them because I DO love them so much ( duh I wouldnt be so happy to hear from them if I wasn’t!), or even to reject the work- when it might be a greater possibility than I actually imagine it to be .. but too much has happened for me to pretend. Or to place my hopes into something that isnt going to be what I want it to be..
My inability to accept change and forgiveness have been my two biggest struggles this year
Letting go of the past is pretty tough thats for sure, but sometimes you just have to see how it shapes your goals or perception of yourself, and then move on.