Lose 150 pounds

I was miserable.

I kept trying to lose the weight and I kept failing. I blamed this tumor in my brain and the pcos and everything except for me.

In September I was my heaviest ever at 317 pounds. I hit rock bottom and I was going through a break up with my fiancée of nine years.

In October I moved into my own place.
I started buying my own food
paying attention to myself
I landed a second job as a massage therapist
I was finally happy. I never even looked at a scale and I didn’t until one of my friends looked at me and said that I needed a new bra because the one I had was not supporting me properly.

I went home and tried to adjust it in a mirror but nothing was working at all… because the cup size had changed. I stepped on the scale it read 288.

My clothes size hasn’t changed much. I merely fit into them now which is why I did not notice anything. But my bra size went to a D instead of a DD, My shoe size went from a 10 or 9 1/2 wide to a size 9. I have stopped getting wedgies from my undies and I can wear high heels again.

I let go of a toxic relationship and that letting go translated physically as well.

SW 317
CW 288
GW 140

I’m sweating like a pig, everything hurts, I’m tired, it’s late I have 5 more minutes to go but I think I’m gonna call it quits besides I look like an idiot doing this.
Everyone else is too busy with themselves to notice you hun
To notice me huffing and puffing pathetically on this machine
They are panting too
I can’t breathe
It’s an illusion
my chest is closing
It’s an illusion
I can’t breathe
Force it in two sharp inhales
It hurts
One long exhale
My heart is going to explode
Two sharp inhales
I can’t keep this up
past the chest
My throat is dry
into the core
My head hurts
Exhale the pain
I can’t do this
You can
Fuck you I won’t
You fuck yourself if you don’t…In the end it isn’t them. It isn’t even the weight, it isn’t about the health. Its about you. It’s about you rejecting yourself. It’s about you accepting me
You’re deluded
And you’re afraid to admit it
Admit what?
Admit that you want to be me. That you want to feel good. Admit that you are strong enough, worthy enough, wonderful enough
I know all those things I just don’t have to be an arrogant ass about it.
That’s a fantastic line of bullshit. You’re a goddamn goddess and you know it.
Screw you “We come nearest to being great when we are great in humility.” -Rabindranath Tagore said that… Zen Master Li Yuansong stated that enlightenment can come only after humility – the wisdom of realizing one’s own ignorance, insignificance and lowliness, without which one cannot see the truth. So like I said before you’re fucking deluded.

Then consider this your enlightenment sugah

Humility: noun 1. a disposition to be humble; a lack of false prideKeyword being false.

Humility: one of many things that helps keep your proverbial cosmic cup empty and open to receive the transcendental radio waves.

Humility: Negative calorie, zero cosmic cup space when compared to arrogance and pride.

But here’s a news flash honey. Your cup is full to the brim and not with humility. Itsfull with self loathing, contempt, detestation, disgust, dislike, enmity, hatred, repugnance, revulsiondon’t mistake the malice you hold within your self against yourself for modesty“Humility is not only meek but benevolent and forgiving. It seeks to overcome evil with good”.A saint said that. Your self abashment is evil.What you have is not humility it is hate and that is a horrible disservice to yourself,to everyone one who knows you and to anyone who has yet to know you. So like I said before:

It isn’t even the weight, it isn’t about the health

Its about you

It’s about you rejecting yourself

and accepting me

Because I am you

And I am strong enough, worthy enough, wonderful enoughI’m a god damn goddess and I know it.

The funny thing (ah snap funny , wtf funny, funny in a “I did leave the curling iron on, on top of that dry stack of leaves in the garage next to the gas tank way funny)
Is that I do know it
I force in two sharp breaths
I exhale out the pain in my chest, the throb in my head, the ache in my heart
I match my rhythm to that of the music
I lower my head, lean forward
I push with everything I’ve got

I am running in place
As I am moving forward
@ high speed
Ready to collide with myself

I do 30 minutes more

And so can you.

15 pounds or 150, whether it be school, work, play, a mountain to climb an addiction to overcome, a fear to face, and belief to displace…. You are strong enough, worthy enough, wonderful enough. To give up, to believe that you are less is a disservice to yourself, to everyone one who knows you and to anyone who has yet to know you. Shine brightly and fuck the rest… just do 30 minutes, 30 seconds, 30 steps more.

“But you’ll always be a little bit heavy” She said brushing the crumbs from her big mac off of her sweater. “Besides who cares what you look like.. you already got a man who wants to marry you.”

“I care” I say trying not to stare directly into the beckoning depths of meat, cheese, meat and pickles. I take a swig of aquafina and chant thou shalt not lust, thou shalt not lust over and over to myself

“No you care that other people care.”
I was quiet because it was partially true.

“Well I don’t feel like a woman any more… My period has been missing for seven years,sure it made a brief come back but it lasted as long as that guy from new kids from the block. I shave more often than Terick, I have forgotten where my waist is, i’m to embarrassed to guess, my shoes don’t quite fit, I have hypertension and I’m pre-diabetic and my clothes cost 5 to 10 dollars more because of the extra fabric.”

“Menstruation is messy… I wish mine would go away. Anything else.” She says polishing off the burger… I wanted to lick the paper.

“Yes this goddamn under wire bra is killing me because it is too small but I can not afford to order my size off line… and I’m uncomfortable on long flights”

“If you loose weight your tits will shrivel”

She had me… she knows I love my breasts I even gave them names. I looked down my bra and imagined them giving me precious moments eyes… don’t abandon us they whimpered in unison.

“Gah!!!!” I say hungrily inhaling the fumes of charbroiled mystery meat “You don’t understand.”

“I understand you’re flipping the hell out… maybe you should eat something”

“I don’t want anything from here” I say taking a prolonged glance at the value menu

“Yes you do”
damn she was right about that too.

“Lets get out of here”

“K” She shrugs “You know you should love yourself… forget what everyone else says you are fine just the way you are. Besides You’ll always be a little bit heavy” She says as she retrieved whats left of her evil Starbuck’s Frap

She’s right about that too. She was right about everything except one. I should love myself… I am fine just the way I am… but fine is not good enough. I want to be outstanding, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, I want my period back. even if it is messy, My boobs will shrink but maybe that is a plus because I am lugging around DDs. My body is a temple where nobody worships anymore… well my fiance worships on a regular basis but I really should be the main matron. But I will not always be a little bit heavy.

Step One
-locate my reasons for doing this *Done
-create a plan *Done
-implement plan *Done
-change plan as necessary *Done
-find a support group *Done 43 things :)
-find better friends an ongoing process ;)