re-gain my self-confidence

I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. Intellectually I know that I am doing fine, but I feel stuck in my job—which I love and hate by turns—and I want to do something to be of service but can’t quite figure out what.

Visiting family on vacation was wonderful. They are great for my self-esteem. We’re a loving bunch. I wish I didn’t live 2000 miles away, but I don’t really want to live there again.

I find myself feeling desperately sad. I used to be the Pollyanna in every group. What happened?

Here are the things I see as eroders of my self-esteem:

1) 40 pounds overweight (there, I said it out loud)
2) Increasing isolation from friends (so many have drifted out of my weekly life, and my dearest local friend is moving to the opposite coast this month)
3) Isolation from my supportive family (although I do call them often)
4) Lack of recent publications of writing or photography
5) Work situation less than stable
6) Not particularly flattering hair cut.
7) Middle age in general
8) Lack of a current writing project that I really believe in…lack of ability to muster faith in myself as a writer due to continued indifference from publishers
9) Sudden onset of uncharacteristic sense that I have wasted my life. Never wanted kids, but I see people getting so much good out of their relationships, and I am sad to be on the periphery of all that all of a sudden.
10) Lack of involvement in my community

Okay, so I guess that gives me an idea of what to work on. I have started (another) fitness/weight loss program and am trying to feel optimistic about it. Gonna go work on my writing…No matter how little it seems to matter, at least I can say I’ve written.

Going to the gym is having this wide impact on my life that I could never have imagined. I am actually going out in public in sleeveless tops.

I’m really not that bad, but even when I was at my best, I didn’t go sleeveless. Thanks to some stupid comment Grace Slick made on a talk show when I was in high school. Der.

No one’s cringing or fainting. I haven’t lost (or gained) any friends. ;)

I think my dip in self confidence has a lot of different factors, one of which is that I’ve been very tired for a long time. Now I’m showing some other symptoms that may mean I have a thyroid issue…given my family history, apparently there’s an 80% chance that this is the case.

On the one hand, I don’t really want to have a condition that has to be treated for the rest of my life. On the other hand, it would explain the falling asleep in the chair, never feeling rested, weight creeping up, cracking nails, etc. and it would be great to have a treatment to help.

I went ahead and started addressing the problems by watching what I’m eating, joining a gym, getting a personal trainer, etc. I couldn’t get in to see my doctor until May 30th and I’m not just accepting that.

I’m having a fasting blood test today and we’ve scheduled a telephone consultation based on that for Wednesday. If the tests aren’t conclusive I’m going to request a consult with an endocrinologist because sometimes this stuff isn’t as obvious as they’d like. (I just read an article in Body+Soul, oddly enough, which pointed this out.)

If this isn’t the issue, then I have to look at my life and see what I can do differently. Even my friends have noticed that I am not “Happy Sally” as much as I used to be. I used to be almost irritatingly upbeat, I think.

I found that teaching this 8 week writing class has helped rebuild my self-confidence. I’ve tried something utterly new and challenging and I am doing all right at it. I think I could be really good at it if I kept it up. The timing isn’t great at this place…leaving work early is very stressful, as sometimes it’s hard just to leave work on time.

But when the kids acted up yesterday, I knew it was not all my fault for not doing right by them, and that felt good.

And today I went to the gym for the first time in 9 years. It was great to see all body types, fitness levels and styles of dress there. It’s easy for me to pre-intimidate myself thinking everyone’s going to be BETTER than me in 5 ways each.

When I told a coworker about these fears last week, she said, “But everyone’s there for the same reason; don’t worry about it.”

She was right. I felt pretty good for someone who’s been going it on her own. I had a good workout and left feeling energized. I may have actually grinned like a dope half the time I was there.

I need to feel like it all makes sense to continue. The ups and downs are following close upon each other’s heels right now. As the strike ends, I am assessing how much work I got done. I showed up every day, but I didn’t produce many pages. Sigh.

On a more general note, I had my hair cut into a nice style right (it’s been “growing out” for a long time) before I went to the Hedgebrook alumnae gathering, and that was a REALLY good move. Also dressed a little better than I thought I had to, and was glad.

Although my writer friends keep suggesting counseling I’m not sure how I’m supposed to afford that, and I have had bad experiences the other few times I’ve attempted to get counseling.

Wanted to post an entry so that people can make suggestions if so moved.