express my anger

So there is this really toxic girl I used to be friends with, who is just a miserable, nasty person. She tries to always have her way, she needs to be the center of attention at all times, she refuses to compromise, she gets angry at people if she wants to do something and they want to do something else, and she can be verbally abusive if she feels like she’s been slighted (when most of the time, it’s all in her head). We used to be good friends, but I had a lot of built-up anger towards her, because she was always treating me like a doormat, and while perhaps I was consciously in denial about it, on a subconscious level I realized what was happening.

Like I mentioned in a prior entry, I have a tendency to be a “people pleaser,” and also my self-esteem, while getting a lot better in the past two years or so, hasn’t always been so high. Also, one of my other goals is to make new friends, because I don’t have that many, and so I was reluctant to just drop this person as a friend, especially since we work together, and also have mutual friends (who she is now being abusive towards; they were telling me all the issues they had with her the other day).

So anyway, about six months ago, I had had enough, and I started distancing myself from her, because where I thought I was being agreeable and easy-going, she saw me as weak and as her little stooge. And whenever I turned down an invitation from her, or spoke my own mind on a issue she didn’t agree with, or acted confident and self-assured, she would get angry and hostile. So I realized the negative impact she would have on my life, and distanced myself. She approached me about it about 3 months ago, and I played it off, saying I had just been busy – because honestly, she definitely would not have been able to handle the truth, and there was really no point to trying to explain – but still kept my distance. I don’t really run into her at work, which is convenient. Anyway, we were at a party for a mutual friend last week, and she was drunk (her dad is an alcoholic and I’m pretty sure she is as well) and I had not been drinking anything but water, and she brought something up that she was upset about. Apparently, she thought I needed to inform her of something that really had nothing to do with her, but since other people at work knew, people I am not really close with, she felt like I should have told her. But honestly, it had nothing to do with her, and it was none of her business. And after she got all hostile and aggressive and in my face, I told her that, as politely and diplomatically, yet as clearly and as straightforwardly as possible. She went ballistic. Long story short, we haven’t spoken since, which I am happy about. But today, one of our mutual friends was checking this toxic girl’s myspace page, and there are pictures of me on there (which I am certainly not thrilled about) and this girl had made some bitchy comments about me along with the pictures. And she also made some hostile remarks about me in a couple of her blog entries. So I checked it out, and now I am angry.

So now, what do I do? I know some people would say, let it go, this person isn’t worth it, forget about it, you should feel sorry for her more than anything else, don’t worry about what she thinks, etc, etc. But part of me wants to tell her off. The next time I see her at work I want to go up to her and tell her exactly what I think of her. Many, many times in the past, I have gotten annoyed, and done nothing about it, and I end up getting depressed because I internalize that stuff. I know for a fact that if I tell her off, I will actually feel better. But will there be negative consequences in the long term? I don’t know. We do have to work together, after all.

So here are my options:

A. don’t do anything, except think about it and let it bother me internally.

B. give this girl what she’s got coming to her. nothing physical of course, but truly let her know how I feel, without trying to be polite or diplomatic.

C. truly let it go. do nothing, forget about it, laugh it off, don’t let it bother me. or at least try to.

What should I do?

For the better part of my life, I’ve been a “people pleaser.” I think, like many women, I was brought up to be the “nice” girl, not the assertive girl. So I never really developed any assertiveness skills. To make things worse, for a while my self-esteem was contingent upon other people’s opinions of me, so of course I did things to try to get people to like me. And of course, who’s going to like a person who expresses their anger? Nobody, or so I thought.

Anyway, when I would get angry with people, or hurt, or whatever, I would not express my feelings. Actually, a lot of the time I would deny those feelings to myself even, because once you acknowledge the existence of your feelings, it is very difficult to ignore. But the anger would come out in unhealthy ways. I would have nightmares 3 to 4 times a week. I used to grind my teeth in my sleep so terribly that my jaw would ache all day, and all I could eat were soft foods, like yogurt or oatmeal. And when I got annoyed by someone I deemed “safe,” (someone who I know loved me – family members, boyfriend – someone who I knew would not reject me), forget it. I would explode. The level of my anger was ridiculous compared to whatever the situation was. Which only made everything much worse. On top of all this, I’ve been battling bouts of moderate depression for the past ten years or so.

So I have been working on being more assertive, and it is really difficult. Learning a new skill is hard in any situation, but this is so hard and sometimes scary. But I keep working on it.

I have to admit, I feel a lot better than I did two years ago. I still have nightmares from time to time, but now I don’t expose the people I love the most to my misdirected anger. And if someone tries to encroach upon my rights, I do stand my ground and let them know how I feel.

But I’ve been only doing this recently. What happens to all that anger that went unexpressed for the first 20+ years of my life?? It’s still gotta be bottled up inside of me. But I don’t know how to get rid of it in a healthy way. I can’t approach someone and be like, “Excuse me, ten years ago, you cut me in line at the Gap…” I don’t even remember most of what made me angry anyway. So what do I do? Write a poem? Hit a pillow? Scream at the top of my lungs? Do nothing? I have no idea….