learn to love myself more

I look back on these entries two years ago and read the words as if I am reading a fictional novel. I do respect and love myself today more than ever. I have managed to lose 20 kgs since then too. Wow , what a difference two years makes. I still care deeply for the person mentioned here. He is my best friend. The man I met back then is now my life partner. I love myself, my children, my man and my best friend. So much love and such a cool life to enjoy it with!!

I now have the skills to remind myself of who I am and what I am worth. I use them everyday. I think doing stand-up and Impro have helped me with this. It doesn’t hurt having lots of people around you loving you too, it is like they hold up a mirror and force me to see.

that I discover about myself, I am starting to like me more and more. I am motived and driven, kind and open hearted. I am a funny Mummy. I write funky danceable songs, I can carry a tune and dance to the beat. I smile a lot. I laugh a lot. I have a great job, I helped start a theatre group. I am courageous, ready to try new things and make them happen. I am playful and adventurous. I am not afraid to feel pain, I can cry and express my emotions. I am starting to see the real me. Maybe soon the real me will shine even stronger in public.

One smile, one laugh together and all the reasons that made me fall in love with you to begin with are just hanging there, teasing me, mocking me. Dangling something in my face that I can never have – the one man I have ever truly loved. It is so unfair that I have to take such a big step back from my reality to try and make everything comfortable for everyone else. I thought maybe letting someone new in might help the healing process, but it hasn’t at all. It has not made one scrap of difference.

I honestly do wish you well, but it has to be on your own, without me, without my friendship at all. It is the ONLY way I can get over this. The last 3 weeks have been great, because I could pretend you did not exist. It was like you never came into my life and everything went back to normal. I stopped crying over what I felt I lost.The last 3 weeks I did think about you everyday but it was different, I could love you and care from a place that was secret and in a way where I did not feel judged for feeling so strongly, I will always love you, but I will never have the chance to heal and move on as long as we communicate. It hurts too deeply as I try and get my head around what the differences are that keeps you from me as a woman who has so much love to give you.

Now one day back at work, trying to be normal with you and I’m a friggin emotional basketcase again. 3 weeks not one tear after 5 weeks of constant tears. Here I am again, same familiar place of mourning over something that never was.

Robert Grayson , my comedy mentor had this to say about my performance last night,

” SANDRA D – You were on fire … your mike slut did not
fail to impress…..You are lovable onstage cause …. you’re lovable
offstage….”

How I wish that were true for one person in particular but I have to stop thinking about that, because it is not real, it is a fantasy I have dreamed up based on nothing but what is in my heart and not what was given to me.

No tears over a love that was not real! YAY! One day at a time, identifying all the wonderful things in my life. Today I feel proud of the validation I received for my Comedy work during workshop yesterday. It is a valuable source of validation as it is based on something I do, not what I look like, or how people feel about me. It is simple yet meaningful.

The things about other people that bother us the most are usually an indication of what we don’t like about ourselves.

Think about it, I reckon there is a lot of validity to this.

I know this because I see it in myself.

I am feeling much better now, I have lasted over 48 hours without shedding a tear!! YAY!!!

I have met someone really lovely who does like me very much and it does feel good to know that he feels that way for me that I have wished for so long that this other person would.

I have been up until now a little afraid of getting to know this new man, self preservation kicking in, but I am ready to take the small steps and enjoy his company.

I will take care not to transfer feelings from one person to another, so we are taking things slowly, and he has been helping me see that there is only one thing I need to fix about myself, a very significant thing that will allow me to open up and let real love in.

And that is….

To learn to love myself more. The only part of myself that I am not comfortable with is my weight!!! And wow at least I can change that! There are some people who are stuck with their insecurities for many reasons, and may never be able to change that.

So wooohoooooo!! I can, how cool is that!!!!!!

I am worth it!

I have to keep convincing myself right now, talking myself up, I have never felt so down in all my life, so hopeless, depressed, of no real value to anyone. Doubting myself as a Mum too, how can I be a good Mum if I let myself get so emotional.

I am NOT normally a depressed person, I am normally vibrant, energetic, happy and ready to share myself with the world.

I am meeting up with Rob today, I feel so nervous, why? Because I am worried that I will be too fearful to just be me around him.

Ok, I need to get my head straight, it is not fair to introduce someone new in my life when there is still so much muck and debris left over from my one sided relationship with the person I considered my best friend.

So, here’s the plan…

one day at a time, easy does it, I am not going to worry about convincing this man he needs to love me. I am not going to rush into anything because if I do I may hurt not only myself but another human being who truly does not deserve it, no one does really.

Here we go, let’s be strong Sandra….

When I am well of mind and spirit I am:

Kind
Generous
Selfless
Playful
Open
Cheeky
Sexy
Flirtateous
Happy
Adventurous
Tolerant
Accepting

I want to be me again.

I am sick of feeling…

Tired
Emotional
Obssessive
Possesive
Unwanted
Undesirable
Fearful

Things I need to change to get well again:

Stop worrying about what people think about me
Identify what it is about myself that I hate so much that I worry about other’s acceptance
Let SW go…say goodbye to him an mean it.
Burn more physical energy, get back to the gym

Just a little, how can I love myself when the man I love so deeply has only and will only see me as a friend. We have been so close for the best part of two years, and not just close as friends, close as partners would be, sharing the deepest of thoughts and dreams and fears. Doing everything together! Being there for one another…but I’m still not enough for him. Today I hate being me.

In am working on this, I have shed a relationship where I was needing to be the mother, that was all about wanting to be needed and wanted.

Hey, i have a lot going for me damn it! Great job, new exciting career starting in comedy and theatre, two fabbo kids and yay today got my learner’s permit. I am a good person. I am blooooody sexy as!