record my dreams

so… another sex dream about Jerry. except there never was any actual sex and it’s all jim & stephanie’s fault. figures that being plagued by a vivid dream would bring me back here after being gone for so long.

I can’t remember why i was there but i walked alone into a restaurant in another city – like vegas? – and looky who was sitting thar alone at an elegantly set table. suit, tie, fresh haircut… nice. so i come up behind him and being the sexy aggressor i only really am when typing or drunk, i braced his shoulders from behind and breathed some words into his ear. Electricity charged between us and we were right back where we started but better. seasoned. aged. if you know what i’m saying. (trying to avoid using the term ‘experienced’).

so of course he wasn’t waiting for me (we were both on vacation ?), he’s waiting for his girlfriend = or at least, someone more familiar and comfortable than a date. She walks out of the bathroom and has his unbelieveable hair. It’s long, auburn to honey red, and has the most amazing dye job i’ve ever seen in my life. there are plaits of hair which actually have a plaid pattern (all tone on tone) to them. She also has fiber weavings – like really fine kente cloth woven into her hair – they seem somewhere between paper and fabric and wooly dreadlocks – but they are the perfect texture contrast to her hair. We’re introduced ? or maybe she held out a hand (I was gaping) and i rudely immediately started inquiring about her hair. Relative to everyday life it was completely over the top – like you would have seen it on stage in a broadway play that had a fantasy production quality to it – but never in real life because it was just too amazing. (thank you, imagination!) and I gasped, ‘that had to cost like $400!’ (making an ass of myself) and she nodded knowingly, ”$350 but it took all day.” So then we time traveled or something and were back in Travers Street. I like driving by that house once in awhile just to remember when. hot damn. so we were there and penny and john and maybe dan were there and since jerry was in town they were having a party. I’m pretty sure i heard john’s voice too and a lot of family members and friends… Jerry and I still had this physical familiarity with each other where we could stand near each other, passing things back and forth, elbowing each other, gesturing with the sort of a rhythm you’d only get from having been emotionally intimate. best friends or former lovers. and of course there was this incredible energy between us and we knew within minutes of being together again we were going to end up screwing. it was an awesome rush. eh, i miss it but at least i had it, right? At some point in the evening I had a heart to heart with penny (probably right in front of jerry) that these guys were all middle-aged now – if they weren’t married now it probably wasn’t gonna happen. Why have none of these guys ever gotten married. (?)

So… after a very fun party (well, that last part probably wasn’t much fun for jerry) i went into the bathroom and proceeded to have another hemorrage dream. odd, but meaningful. and then I woke up. ‘Cause hemorrage dreams always wake me up in the cold sweats.

so this one had a few different spurs on it…

- hospital/fabyan pkwy./library
- northwest corner lot by the ? – wooded hillside overlooking the river… water feature.
- java man

OK, so let’s see what I can salvage here… I know I spent some time with a group of mostly women getting to know some of them. I want to say we were waiting for the guys who were all together to return (from lowe’s maybe?) and although we weren’t really connected kind of got thrown together. But we really clicked and had a great time. I am associating it with Delnor but the building I’m seeing is the stone public library in batavia – but it was further north on the river.

Then there was a small group of us on a hillside – seemed like it was fairly steep, wooded and overlooking the fox river. I don’t remember seeing the river from where we were but I know we were right above it on the west bank. In fact, where we were there isn’t a hillside like that but anyway, we were on this hillside and I want to say we were part of a gardening group or something working on a project to improve the plantings on this hillside. I’m not sure if it was community property or what… Well, actually the people felt more like family – maybe me and my grown kids or something. Java man was there. There was this huge water fountain – about 18” by 30” tall made of SOLID GRANITE. It was in no way something a single person would try to pick up alone or without equipment and certainly not on a steep, damp hillside but the coffee slurper was nonetheless moving it for me from a spot higher up on the hill to a little seating area we had created. I suppose this relates to the fact that all weekend JW was moving shit here and there for me, basically doing my bidding without too much complaining. He’s a freaking drafthorse. Anyway, in the dream it was this other character and he wasn’t exactly mine but he really was. And he was moving this crazy fountain for me (did I mention it was full of water?) ok, maybe not the smartest guy in the dream but he had some strength. Actually, now it occurs to me the memorable part about his moving it in the dream was I remember thinking watching him move it that he was using some masterful control of qi or something to keep his feet planted, to keep his grip on the smooth surface of the fountain, and to be able to even freaking pick it up! Definitely an act of love from my dream lover. At that point he felt like he had been my husband for at least ten or twenty years but we didn’t seem 60 years old either. Maybe we were 50-ish but then the timing wouldn’t be right. No accounting for time in a dream. Not subject to the same rules of premeasured linear accounting is it. Anyway, he loved me. He moved a fountain for me.

I don’t know if it was the storms or caffeine too late but god I don’t feel like I slept at all – not exactly nightmares but just wild dreams all night. ugh. I think there were cousins and different girlfriends from facebook in my dreams but it was like we were on the run or scavenger hunting all night… (my man godfrey?) and it was exhausting and stressful. I’m listening to Alison Krauss sing ‘i will’ on ‘now that I’ve found you’ and it’s bumming me out in a major way. I am rrreally jonesin’ for someone right now and am not having fun with that feeling. Honestly, I kind of feel like crying just to get it off my chest but I can’t quite give in to it since it’s not real anyway… I was setting off flares right and left wearing a flashing red light & carrying neon warning signs (which were on fire) so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised with what happened. With what didn’t happen… so why do I feel like I was just dumped?! ET: “ouch.”

2:52am… woke up in the middle of my dream night to find the christmas tree at the east window had been replaced by 5 smaller, scarier ones. I know there was a lot more to this dream but I loitered around so much getting up… Not only did I have no consciousness of the need to write up this post but I was not even realizing the existence of 43T (or computers, for godsake)... I was just laying there feeling sick. then sitting, then feeling like it was no longer possible to sleep again, dragging my tired ass downstairs…

So anyway, I believe i was an adult but still wanted to go sleep with my parents in the next room for safety (well, yeah – some psycho just broke into our house for the 9th time)... I was really freaked out – I checked the locks and for some reason this one window had been left unlocked (again) and this creep had gotten in and fucked with the christmas display while we were all sleeping. It was a very major sense of violation and that impending doom – you know it’s going to happen again – and get worse…

:::furry kitty boy is very cute and annoying playing reindeer games on the desk… right now the game is to get a water bottle cap trapped under my keyboard so that he has to slide his paw under the keyboard and flip it out:::

OK, so yeah, we had a major problem with a breaker-and-enterer who was playing psychological games with us (mainly me). I think I did have a young son also… and for some reason we had not yet filed a police report. I got a vibe [that would be true to my parents] that the crime wasn’t necessarily all that big of a deal – that [even though it’s quite obvious this guy was a menace and would be fully deserving of going to jail and we would be fully deserving of not having to worry about our safety] the situation did somehow NOT merit the messiness of calling of the police… kind of like when my high school band director made lewd comments about me and nothing was done or when my sister’s gym teacher forced her to attempt a back handspring and she practically broke her neck… it was like if something was socially awkward, “oh, you’ve cut off our son’s left hand – don’t worry about it – we’ll pick up another one at the hand store…” [I exaggerate of course] but it just wouldn’t get dealt with. When of course what you should be able to expect from your parents is that they’d go down fighting for you – and of course in a real life or death situation they would, but always seemed like with minor crimes or social misdemeanors, we were sometimes – well, let down. (gasp! I said it.)

OK, I guess this dream wasn’t really about christmas trees.

p.s. two scenes from jerry mcfucking guire – where she says that with their combination of … they could lose ten years being polite… and where rod tidwell (even though he’s a total drama queen) can see bullshit for what it is (instantly) and calls him on it. I would never trust myself enough to do that.

I think what I was describing above was a pervasive, subtle invalidation we all experienced throughout our childhoods. It led to not being able to stand up to rip off contractors. It led to always finding fault first with the side of the story belonging to our family member rather than the ‘other guy’ – the ‘other guy’ was always right… your personality fault #AF-219 was to blame for that one and it’s my job to teach you that.

I thought I had my dream on the 11th – in the wee hours – which is when K. passed away, but actually I had my dream in the wee hours on the 10th which means I had the dream the day before he died which is a whole other ball of wax for some reason. Now I am a little freaked out because you get the feeling if you would have acted on something – like made a call – you could have prevented things some how…

So, the memorial service for K. is today. Should be almost as much fun as his brother’s. argh. I was thinking this am that I do have some photos of him and videos… I am not sure what the situation is with the family so I guess I won’t bring them. I dunno.

I have felt on occasion that I really did want to develop my ‘receptiveness’ or whatever you call it but – well, no – I do. I feel compelled to say this experience of being visited or whatever happened last week by whoever did the visiting freaked me out but it honestly didn’t… Am I glad I respected what I was experiencing and came down here to write it up? yes. Now I have what I would consider proof. Esp. since I really didn’t even think about it the next day or two til we got the call saying he had died and figured out it was on the night I wrote that entry about their family. Well, don’t mean to make it all about me – I know it’s not – just trying to sort through things.

So my entry the other night was a sign-off I guess. I don’t know how long it’s been since we talked to these guys – possibly 2 or 3 years. We just got the call tonight that K., mentioned below, actually died the night I wrote this. He was visiting me – or someone was – I guess to let me know? JD’s been saying “K., K, K” all week – much, much more than usual. That’s his teacher’s name so I attributed it to her. And JW had a recurring thing in his head Thursday night “My mom, my mom, my mom” – now I’m starting to think that was K. sending a message to JW. aye! Why does life have to be so sucky for some people. He was a good guy at heart. a real tenderfoot. drugs=bad. small towns+ drugs=really bad.

From 3/10 – early morning – we think about the time K. passed away:

“I don’t remember much else although this part of the dream seemed to take all night though it could have only been 2 hours max – sometime between 1 & 3:30 because I remember looking at the clock at those times. When I woke up at 3:30 I was hashing over the dream trying to decide if I should come down here and attempt to capture as much of it as I could and then I started thinking of Kirk’s memorial service. That was such a miserable experience. Here this kid probably had brain damage from all the stunts he pulled and the more brain damage he wracked up the more he got that way… I know he and his bro argued just before – it must have been an overdose – I don’t think we ever knew for sure but assumed that. I wonder how deep K. was into it at that point. All the comings and goings from gramma’s house. He had to have been dealing for many years. But I remember Kirk’s dad at the funeral. He seemed genuinely [I don’t know]... But here he was trying to be an upstanding guy – maybe he always was? but seemed like he abandoned his first set of kids just like they tend to do. They grow up wild and depressed and become drug addicts and dealers and wonder what they did so wrong at such a young age for their dad not to love them… But they show up for the funeral. I don’t know – he didn’t seem like that bad of a guy. Maybe he never let him down even. I don’t know. Anyway, so I was just remembering his memorial – we were all just sitting in the living room at his mom’s house – and I wondered if he was trying to get a message to me. I do not think I ever met him. did I? I felt like I knew him from all the stories JW told me over the years. Oh, it was just a terrible day.”

quite a doozie…

- kirk
- the kids’ parents
- lifetime movie
- quote from civil war book

OK, now I’m forgetting the 4th piece. What started it all – ok, I just remembered. What started it all must have been the lifetime movie I saw last night. About a mom (debra winger did a great job) and her four great kids – goes through a difficult illness and recovery. Just when everything seems to be going “too too” [great] I guess another tragedy strikes. But she had really savored the moments while she could. That I guess was the lesson.

Another one was I guess I was in Austin because I remember being in a park and thinking I would have to tell Ty that I had been back there. I was sharing a large rock or platform with a couple of men I didn’t seem to know. There was a concert (maybe it was SXSW but there wasn’t that kind of a crowd) and an announcer was making a joke that they were the park that had the nice retaining walls because they couldn’t seem to finish the job (I’ll explain later – you had to be there – rimshot). I had met someone from the building his daughter lived in (maybe?) In the dream I was a bit older than her though we’re about the same age I think. I remember I was going to tell him that, too. I don’t know why he’s been on my mind so much lately. There was some sort of soiree in the apt. building lobby. Lots of people milling about in semi-formal wear. Anyway, from there – and I’m not sure these stories are even connected or what order they go in – but it’s still night and I have a vision of a couple driving down the highway – my vantage point is the hood of the car -like in a movie – and they’re having your typical married conversation… maybe it was date night ? they’re dressed up. A little bit of bickering going on? And you realize they’re going to crash and instead of seeing their faces in terror they just keep talking but it’s like their spirits crash through the windshield and just kind of soar forward and up through it and they’re free. Getting major chills here again. I don’t remember seeing anything else with the car – just them breaking through the glass and up and over my sightline.

The main part of the dream was me taking care of (3?) kids. I guess it could have been that couple’s but I don’t remember them being connected. The main one I was worried about was the girl (maybe 15?), there was a boy and I”m not sure about the 3rd. They lived in a beautiful house and it seemed like I could have been their aunt but the relation didn’t feel quite that intimate. I believe it was the same night as the accident (those must have been their parents), I was at their house trying to take care of things and take care of them. There were servants there now that I think of it – 2 or 3 so they must have been quite wealthy. I seemed to be overly concerned with ordering delivery/dinner for everyone and several times. They delivered an absolutely enormous cocktail in a large glass parfait dish with saran wrap around the top of it. OK. Anyway of course kids in that situation – I’m sure the last thing on their mind would have been eating so I’m not sure why this was such a focus of my dream. Perhaps I was getting hungry by then! Anyway, I was really doing the best I could and was getting prepared to coach them to prepare something to say at the funeral. What they would like the world to know they felt about their parents. The rest could happen in private. I don’t remember much else although this part of the dream seemed to take all night though it could have only been 2 hours max – sometime between 1 & 3:30 because I remember looking at the clock at those times. When I woke up at 3:30 I was hashing over the dream trying to decide if I should come down here and attempt to capture as much of it as I could and then I started thinking of Kirk’s memorial service. That was such a miserable experience. Here this kid probably had brain damage from all the stunts he pulled and the more brain damage he wracked up the more he got that way… I know he and his bro argued just before – it must have been an overdose – I don’t think we ever knew for sure but assumed that. I wonder how deep K. was into it at that point. All the comings and goings from gramma’s house. He had to have been dealing for many years. But I remember Kirk’s dad at the funeral. He seemed genuinely [I don’t know]... But here he was trying to be an upstanding guy – maybe he always was? but seemed like he abandoned his first set of kids just like they tend to do. They grow up wild and depressed and become drug addicts and dealers and wonder what they did so wrong at such a young age for their dad not to love them… But they show up for the funeral. I don’t know – he didn’t seem like that bad of a guy. Maybe he never let him down even. I don’t know. Anyway, so I was just remembering his memorial – we were all just sitting in the living room at his mom’s house – and I wondered if he was trying to get a message to me. I do not think I ever met him. did I? I felt like I knew him from all the stories JW told me over the years. Oh, it was just a terrible day.

I remember when Susie sent a message to me. Absolutely 99.98% sure. The Joni Mitchell ‘both sides now’ dream (or vision?). That had to be her. She kind of resembled her – someone at her wake talked about her 70s surfer hair, and the timing was right of course – she would have known all the words to all of Joni’s songs. The actual recording – the version of the song was the one that I knew from Love Actually where the woman finds out her husband is having an affair. An achingly beautiful, haunting, seasoned, aged, perfect version of the song she sang in her youth. I guess I wrote about this somewhere else on 43T. And it made sense to reach Jan through me because I had been at the wake and she would know we have the music connection. And I knew her – briefly.

Remembering that scene in out of africa where she’s standing at his gravesite and holds a handful of dirt over the coffin and can’t quite let it go. “briefer than a girl’s”

OK, so last thing before I give up on this tome. The civil war quote I read right before bed was from the famous Sullivan Ballou letter. Took 3 seconds to find online just by searching ‘civil war letters breeze by your.’ didn’t even remember his name! amazing. Anyway, this is an amazing little piece of battlefield prose.

“Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night—amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours – always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.”

...so I just remember being somewhere with this man – in the dream he looked more like [[[shhhh jerry springer]]] i know. I know. I’m only partially in control of my dreams so that’s who he morphed into. we were together – a couple. I remember the constancy of a firm hand on the small of my back. If it wasn’t there, it was resting on my shoulder or cradling the back of my neck. It always felt loving – never controlling or possessing – just the firm hand of a confident man who had my back. I dunno. sometimes the small things are the most important.

i know this memory comes from a trip to this museum… maybe seeing ‘real housewives’ last night reminded me of it – the one woman with the older boyfriend – or maybe it was, what was the other thing…

dormitory-type sleeping arrangements
hot tub
helicopter
dinner out (bad dress)
finding things in common
ramp to the stadium?
those lips!

weird, as soon as I start taking notes the memories start fading…

so I hooked up with this guy – fellow U of I alum. roughly my same year I think. Resembled John Elway in a good way (mouth)? I don’t know – is that good? Well, I thought so at the time. And a few hours ago when I was dreaming about him. Holy hannah.

...so we hooked up and we were at some dormitory style place – there were cots and people’s luggage everywhere – no one thought anything of it… when some people left we made a move for their beds because they were more in a corner. Now, why didn’t we have a hotel room? I can’t really answer that – especially since we had plans for a helicopter ride, a possible stadium rock concert and dinner at a suit and tie kind a restaurant. One thing that kind of struck me is how comfortable we were with each other. I was getting both the adoration and commanding sexual presence I (prefer?) and that suited me just fine. I never got to know this guy that well but in the dream we knew each other pretty well and were also learning things about each other that made us each feel like yeah, this is a better match than I thought – kind of like we were both pleasantly surprised. I want to say we had Bruce Springsteen in common. Maybe that’s where we were going on that concrete ramp heading underground?? I know we were getting ready to go out for our big night and I had a wardrobe malfunction. This dress wasn’t sewn properly and you couldn’t get into it normally. Eventually, it turned inside out or something and was a completely different dress – different colors, style, fabrics – transformer dress! I am not sure what I wore. Typical frustrating dream scenario – here all you want to do is go out on your lovely dream date with dreamy dream Jeff and you have no matching shoes, your dress is fucked up and you forgot to wash the conditioner out of your hair. I remember him mentioning casually we were flying to xyz for dinner in a helicopter (picked this up from 2 weeks notice I guess) and I looked in his eyes – my but they were blue… and I thought, now this guy knows how to have fun! I remember it crossing my mind to ask would we be walking or driving to where ever (shoes) but I squelched it. Of course we were hoofing it (through an industrial park actually). I remember being rushed trying to make it to some pick up point. Maybe a shuttle bus? or cab? and we ended up having to hijack some (lawn?) maintenance men to get a ride – I think that’s where my dream ended. I remember at another point still at the shelter – mostly older people were recognizing Jeff and calling me Mrs. _ whatever his last name is – I can’t remember. I’m not sure I ever knew. and I was just playing along like I was her. (yes we were both married in the dream) Oh I forgot about the hot tub. (cruise) He took me to this place that had outdoor hot tubs – it was really fun and relaxing. We were just chilling, probably would have been fucking had it not been for all these other freaking people! eh, ok – not a perfect dream. I dunno. He was still pretty dreamy. Just think how much trouble I could have gotten into with cell phones and regular trips to DC.