beat social anxiety

I think I’m almost done with this. There are, of course, still some situations when I default, but they have become rare. To think I used to default at any chance encounter, or even a conversation that didn’t go the way I thought it would go! I still wish to test somewhat the extent to which my social skills have improved.

Now I look back to where I’ve been and where I got to, I’m filled with joy for all the things I’ve done while trying to rid myself of social anxiety. I’ve made friends better than I’ve ever been able to make at school, I got myself a boyfriend, and I got to improve my positions on various teams at college so I can do certain things my way rather than the way that was in store for me had I defaulted on my social skills again.

Phew! Just a little farther to go.

I’ve been working at this for a while now and while I’m no longer nervous in social situations, I still experience a brief system shutdown (a period in which I don’t know what to say except the usual “hi”, “bye” and “how are you”) when I meet someone I know on the street, or I’m asked a question by a stranger.

I know social anxiety is a result of too much thought dedicated to the “what will they think of me” question, but I’m way past that. I stopped caring what others think of me ages ago. My social anxiety is here like a limp that remains after the pain and the damage are gone.

I’ve been reading and re-reading what I wrote last time and I figured out that the best way for me to beat my anxiety was exactly through the avenue that I’d already described. I said that I have no trouble approaching people when I have something to say to them. This doesn’t mean that I have turned my thoughts into a long monologue which I then tell them, but rather I have something topical to say and then I say it, they respond and I respond back and then we have a conversation. :P

For example, today I approached a group of girls after my horse riding lesson to talk about horses a bit. I was a bit out of my league because I’m only a beginner at horseback riding and they are going to participate in tournaments soon, but they were kind enough to answer my questions. A couple of minutes later I started a conversation to another attendant of the lessons and we both exchanged our interests and goals we have in regard to horseback riding.

Did I feel anxious? No! I had something to talk about and I talked about it.

So this is my approach vector. I start off like this – talking to people who have the obvious same interests as I do about those interests; then I move on to people who have remotely similar interests to my own and try to find our common ground through talking, rather than by directly observing what our common interests are. I think that if I could do just that, the number of people I know and are on friendly terms with, would grow exponentially and with it would grow the chance of finding a true friend.

Another nice way is to just talk about anything to a stranger you’re stuck traveling with. I did that a couple of times (though it wasn’t my incentive) but it was just a one-time conversation and we never saw each other again. Nice for practicing. :)

...and I hate it. I have no control over my social life. People come to me, we talk, perhaps even become good friends, and then something happens; such as I start going to high school and lose all my friends from primary school; or I start going to college and lose all my friends from high school, etc. I haven’t had friends over at my place since my 18th birthday, if I don’t count my relatives.

As such, I have no friends which I could say are very close to me. I have good friends, but no best friends, let alone soulmates. All the people I hang out with I hang out with because chance made them walk into my life for some reason or the other. Even my flatmates; one is my relative, the other is a friend he introduced me to, and the third used to be my classmate.

The point is I never knew how to be proactive in acquiring friends. I HAVE approached strangers in the past, even talked to them, but I never befriended them even though I knew how great that would be. So, my case of social anxiety isn’t as general as it’s usually described – fear of any kind of social interaction. I CAN communicate with strangers WITHOUT feeling anxiety; but only as long as I have anything of relevance to say.

For example, I could talk to a shopkeeper about a certain product they sell; but if I particularly liked that shopkeeper I would get anxious at the thought of asking them out for a drink after working hours. The thing I felt most ridiculous about was when I had my body shaved at a wellness center; I had no problem lying there almost naked while a girl of about my age tore off my body hair and talking to her about all the ways to prevent ingrown hairs, but I got anxious when the little chat we had switched to the topic of my family.

So now I think it’s about time this charade ends. I figured I can’t go on expecting that the ocean will miraculously spew out great people on the shores of the island which is my life. I don’t care if this anxiety I feel makes me explode, but I will find a way to make friends of the kind of people I want to be friends with. I would live life by my terms, or by no terms.