Heal

I feel that although I am growing and evolving and now involved in another relationship, I am about 90 percent healed. It’s like a flower that was closed, and now it’s opening in its beauty and glory. I tried to explain this to my man and he understands.

I truly wish I could heal but when I feel I am making headway, something comes and ticks me off; For one thing, I am divorced; my ex gets both kids for income taxes, and I can’t; when Katrina hit, he had to send them to me since he was in a hard hit area (Biloxi/Gulfport,Miss); ok, because the girls were evacuees, they were eligible for FEMA; we went to FEMA TWICE, and they turned me down primarily because my ex got it, claimed the kids and they got back; then again when I tried to claim them on this year’s taxes, it seemed as though I couldn’t, and didn’t get back no more than $110; period; I want so badly to move out on my own and get something for myself and cannot; it hurts me that each time I try to let the past stay where it’s at, stuff like this come up and ticks me off;

working on it; I don’t know but 2005 was a doosie; but I just feel that 2006 is another story;

Well, at least I know I am in grief; here’s the thing; when I divorced, my kids were given to their father who is a trip but he’s trying here; then, just as I was dealing with that, a friend got married(got over that), then I met someone who I liked a lot, but I wasn’t sure about his feelings towards me or what he felt about me and though we decided to hook up and go out, we never did and he was killed just this past March; I never got to find out what he felt about me or anything and I’m still grieving that because he was buried within three days of them finding his body;It hurt me so that I withdrew from some classes(it will come and haunt me later) then, I got a job yet though my body got me there every day, my mind was not totally focused on it and after the training and working a day, I was fired(in a nice way mind you but fired nonetheless) unfortunately that was also the same day my pastor who was struggling with cancer died peacefully in his sleep; depressing me more; I must have went to at least ten plus funerals; The next to last funeral I went to I was coming home from it and there were all these police cars down there, and when I got to it, I find out a fire broke out, and a little 2 year old boy trying to escape hid in the closet and died; Ohh, that hurt me even more. Then I couldn’t get back in school due to the withdrawals, and on and on; but I realize that I need to let this stuff go; Yes, folks die and it hurt like hell, yes you deal with two hurting things within one day like I have; yes, you pay some hard costs when you feel your down and out, but I am tired and I want to feel a whole lot better about who I am as a person and that is what I’m going to do in 2006; feel better about me!!!

At present, I don’t trust no mortal with my heart; I only feel the Trinity could do a better job and sometimes that is thankless; It is not easy to get past the hurt and pain in order to be a whole person again; It’s like trusting someone with your life, they take it and throw it a million pieces and your trying hard to find out where those pieces went; Deep;