become better at small-talk

My dad’s girlfriend’s best friend came over and I’m scared to do anything! haha
They just went to the liquor store… she’s really judgmental and likes to gossip and talk badly about people, and I think she’s seriously fake.
Even my dad’s girlfriend said so.

She really terrifies me and I have no idea what to say or do around her. Like every word or step I take is being judged to the core.

Hmm…

She’s in a really good mood today.

Like freakishly good.

?

Uppers?
Sugar overdose?
...is she back on crack?

Whatever it is, we’re having good talks!

Ha.

Something that I do that annoys people, and I don’t like doing it but I can’t help but do it.
I don’t know how to express myself clearly.

A new friend I made the other day and I were talking about how easy it is to say certain things when you’re “hiding behind a keyboard” than it is to say it out loud.

When I am having a serious conversation with someone, especially where I am in the wrong, I stay almost completely silent.
Very few words will come out of my mouth.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to talk when I am in the wrong about something.

I will look somewhere else and pretend like I am not listening, but that just makes the other person even more upset.
I don’t like doing that at all.
But I am not very good at expressing certain things.

I love to argue sometimes (not the mad kind of argue, but more like debating) but I don’t really know how to when it comes down to this.

I also don’t know why it’s so easy for me to appologize to certain people, over and over again to the point where they tell me to stop, and to other people I can’t get the word out.
But I just hope over and over in my head that they know that I am so so so sorry and try to send the appology to them in a telekinetic kind of way.

People have expressed to me that when they are very sad, and sometimes crying, all I have to do is touch them, like on the arm or the back of their neck, and they will feel some kind of warmth and feel a certain kind of calmness.
Something like that.
I don’t know why I can’t do these things with myself to make the awkward conversations not so awkward when I am in the wrong or have done something not good.

Why people have it so easy to spill their whole life to me in one day but I can’t get out one sentence to their face about something serious is beyond a mystery I have been trying to figure out for a long time.

Katy’s friend came over a few hours ago.

I think it’s really hard to “make small talk” with someone who’s way over the top when it comes to being fake.

I tried, but I failed.

I hate pre-judging people, but I know all about the deceitful and hurtful things she’s ever done and said to people I really care about, and I just couldn’t help but see through that fake smile of hers.

And I knew she knew about all of my issues too, so I don’t know if she was thinking the same thing about me or not.

lol

But I’ve only hurt myself, not the people I love and care about.

Huge difference.

So I guess it was just doomed to be a failed attempt at making small talk.

Oh well!

So, last Wednesday, my dad and I took June to our favourite sushi restaraunt in Houston.

Like usual we got drunk, sang karaoke, laughed with the crowd (everybody always knows him there and I don’t get it lol)...

and these two guys started talking to me and I was on a roll.

lol

It was the neatest thing.

I know that alcohol had a lot to do with it again, but I love having free conversations with people, no matter how stupid I sound.

I want to do this with no alcohol already!

My Aunt June and I had nearly a three hour talk.

It was great…
but, explaing things happened again.

I told her about one of my few inventions, and about the time my old best friend and I drove around Reunion Area where they held the Katrina evacuees and the experience, and during both of those times I did that thing where I will stutter, get short winded, eyes darting around the room, stuff like that.

That always happens when I’m trying to explain something that has great detail in a short amount of time to a person that wasn’t there.
This happens whenever I have a great idea or story that I know someone won’t get.

I don’t get why everyone I know is so great at telling stories and sharing their ideas like it’s nothing to them.
I’m not a great storyteller at all.

In the fifth grade, I joined this program at my elementary school where we would memorize a children’s book, then say and act it out to the younger classes in the library.
I don’t remember what my story was, but it was about something going on in some garden.

There was this one guy in my class named Steven (one of those guys who you just knew would go to a great school and grow up to be a millionaire and own his own business), and he was so great.
All the times he read his story to the kids (we had the same one), they loved him and laughed.

When I read my story (and I even ‘stole’ one of his parts that I realized grabbed the kids’ attention and made them laugh a lot), not one single kid laughed.
I bombed it so hard.

And then, we all went out to this burger joint for dinner, and there was another open-mic night.
Aunt June kept telling me things, like how that should be me upon that stage, how she was so glad to see me sing at that karaoke bar… and I tried explaining to her about how I get nervous and draw a huge blank in front of people when I want to play songs for them.
And then it looks like I don’t know how to play at all, but I’m damn good (atleast I like to think so, even though I’ve been stuck in the same spot for the past five years or so), but when that guitar goes up on my lap, my hands start shaking and my mind goes numb.
I can’t remember a single thing.

She said it was stage fright, but I don’t really have stage fright at all.
I love singing in front of people (somehow I always end up doing it at parties lol), and I loved acting when I was younger…

but I think part of it has to do with me being the center of attention.
I don’t like it, I never know what to say, I feel weird, I always smile really cheesy, I say ‘thank you’ a million times over and over for no reason, I say ‘awww’ a lot…

I just don’t want people to think that I think that I am better than everyone else because I’m the center of attention for whatever reason that may be at that specific time.

Like this one time at a job interview at a call center a long time ago, ten people were standing in a circle telling me how I was the spittin’ image of a girl on some Disney show.
And I did all of the things that I mentioned.

Ahh, it’s weird.

I want to tell stories, say things, and do things without going nuts and thinking that the people who are around think that I don’t know what I’m doing or talking about.

Who knows!

Mabye I’m not that good at it because I just don’t like it.

It’s fun to talk to someone for a really long time about one hardcore thing, one subject that has so many different areas to cover.

I don’t like talking about something small that will make everything seem awkward.

This one time at my old job, I went out back for a fresh air break. My coworker and her friend pulled up and came over to talk to me.
She went inside the store, and I stayed outside and “small talked” with him for a couple minutes.

We started talking about money, I think, and I did the wierdest thing I’ve never done before!

I say, “well, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t”

and just… walked back inside the store!

I didn’t end the conversation in any way at all. I just walked off. I didn’t say it in a way that was ‘as a matter of fact’, there was no specific undertone, I just simply said it and walked away.

And that it was pretty much the middle of a conversation.

Anyway, so I think I am not good at small talk because I don’t like it.
Much like I stink at math because I hate it.

But I know that I’ll have to get good at this if I ever want to start dating. I’m not sure, but I think that’s all the first couple dates with someone is.

Small talk.

Who knows!

I knew that I wouldn’t know what to say…

so I let it ring.

I don’t know why when I let go of one person, I let go of all who are associated with that one person.

Even if they’re a million times better for me than the person I let go of.

Like he was.

...is.

Who knows.

Sometimes, most times, I am not myself and I know that people can tell that I’m nervous.

But then there’s other times where tons of people will just… I don’t know, flow to me to talk to me. And they will want to talk for so long but I will have to find a way to cut it short to talk to other people, and then I feel bad.
I don’t understand it.

One time a few months ago, I went to my friends’ party. It was awesome, and so many people wanted to talk to me. I felt really comfortable and myself.

I don’t know if this is something that I should put in an equation with alcohol. Whenever I drink, I’m always myself. I don’t know why. And that’s a lot.
And with all the things I’m trying to manage and take control over, I always think inside my head every day “I can’t wait to drink”.
It’s an excuse to be happy and an excuse to always be myself.

I want to be better at small talk, when the only thing inside me is my soul and the willingness to make a new friend.