Don't look for love, beg for love, or suffer for love. Just live.

... Marianne Willamson.
Excerpt from Return to Love

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

...my words.

“When summer starts, there are suddenly an awful lot of very pretty people dressed in summer clothes, which are sexy in a different way from winter clothes. And I find myself swinging wildly back and forth between thinking, “Calm down, Joey. These are real people, who should be treated with respect. I wonder what she thinks of that book she’s reading?” and half a second later thinking, “I want to spend the rest of my life just kissing that one spot on her neck oh god oh god.”

But they’re pretty close to how I feel now that it is summerishness.

...does this have to be so hard?

...take off your clothes,
take off your make-up
take off the smile
and wait till you wake up.

You’re hardly the girl, no
and you don’t got the nerve
to be the girl that I need
or the one I deserve…

It is totally okay to call mulligans and bang your college ex while “just living.” It puts things into perspective.

And I want to add that I’ve been doing this; free from the “what am I doing with myself?” battles that have been waged in the past. It’s neither a good thing nor a bad thing… just happening.

...right where you’re most vulnerable. Or at least the Cowboy did on Saturday night. And he didn’t mean to! Of course, he wouldn’t ever use his own troubles to foster mine. Nope, this is all in my head and heart.
The Cowboy has a certain condition which we refer to as “the creeping dispair.” It comes from various sources and from out of nowhere, usually, so it’s quite unpredictable. And it shuts him down in so many ways. In fact, it’s hard to see him this way. This weekend he admitted that one of the side-effects of the “CD” is that he doesn’t really feel all that sexy. Since we haven’t done much fooling around in the past few weeks, I was sure that was the case. But Saturday night just touched something. At the moment, I feel unsexy and totally undesirable; which sucks a big one.

...slowing the pace down? Or maybe just calming my stupid head chatter? I can’t seem to turn that off! I am in a holding pattern where I am trying to not will my phone to ring. And I have a myriad of other little things that could take up that empty time between now and when I KNOW I am seeing him next.
Why am I so impatient to have a boy-friend? Where did this come from? It’s making me crazy! Why can I not rest in the idea that he seems to think lots of me. Blarg!

...then what does the action of “not looking, begging, or suffering,” look like when one is still interested in dating? Lately, men have been part of my day-to-day living. In fact a few of them have popped their heads up, saying, “hi, I think you’re neat-o.” My trouble is rushing things, isn’t it? I guess that should be part of this goal. Slowing the fuck down. The action looks more delibriate and slower, to begin with. It has better boundries, it’s more realistic, too. There’s music. There’s good food. (Oh, wait, that’s the “just live” part, oops). I am not trying too hard. I blow-dry my hair without feeling vain. I don’t tidy the house, worrying what he might think. I am more respectful. I listen. I watch. I think about what he’s thinking. I run like hell from the red flags. I quit thinking I can fix things, remembering what Ethan taught me, “you can’t save anybody else. You can only hope that you can stand by their side and bear witness to them saving themselves.” Yeah.

All those really important things and I am still worried about what I am going to wear tonight. Isn’t that funny? And honest? And totally okay. Yeah. Yeah it is.

...and I’m just getting drunk. In fact, I’m not even really doing that. I’m stagnent in this stupid place in my head and heart. It sucks, friends, it sucks.
There’s a much longer post that’s forthcomming about The Ex. But that’s going to get posted under 43 songs. He has a few, in fact. I’d like to think I can remember happy times, but right now, I just feel vulnerable and unlovable.

...what I’m needing sucks. It sucks pretty hard, in fact. I know that I’m far too busy to maintain a real relationship at the moment, but I feel lonely and cheap. And it’s my fault, really. I wish that the cowboy was something different. Or that he didn’t make me feel quite so wonderful. But, that’s not my lot. And it’s nice to have a little something…