get over my ex

So, we had another blowout. And it seems crazy that we can still fight like this when we are supposed to just be friends now. I decided to accept the fact that we were over and wouldn’t be together in the near future. I was even starting to give up my fantasy of us reconnecting somewhere down the line. (childish hope, I know…) It was going good, I thought. I would talk to him and support him, as always, without accepting some emotional or romantic gratification. I was just happy to still be apart of his life.

But then came the blowout. It came from nowhere, out of nothing. It was all a misunderstanding on his part, but he said vile, arrogant things to me on my voicemail. And as I listened to them (over and over again), I finally realized what I had gotten myself into. It shocked me that the only real thing that surprised me was his arrogance. Somehow, I had never noticed that before. I was used to his degrading remarks, calling me names, telling me I’m ugly. That didn’t hurt that much, but the arrogance was the thing that made me realize that he wasn’t who I thought he was. I had always let him convince me that the horrible things he said were a reaction to something I had done or he thought I meant. And the apologies were enough. But this time is different, I think. I can’t say for sure that I’m done with him, because that would be stupid. I’ve obviously been stupid enough to forget these things before. But I haven’t talked to him in over a week (a long time for me) and I have no overwhelming desire to do so (which is usual). All I have to do is think of what he said and I don’t want to have anything to do with him.

I guess this mysterious blowout was for the best. Maybe I can soon add this to my “done” list.

Wish me luck…

So, he moved to Virginia. He got a job, one that will be very beneficial to his future, and with any luck, beneficial to me in getting over him. We still talk a lot and I’m trying the friend thing, but I’m still not over him. I keep thinking that I want to meet someone else, but when I think of my ideal guy, all the qualities are those that I loved in him. And it’s not even just because I want him, but because those are the qualities that being with him showed me I want. He’s perfect in so many ways, yet poison in so many others. If only he could change, but that’s like asking for the impossible. Hopefully the impossibility of us getting back together because of his move will eventually make me get over him.

We’ll see…

We’ve been broken up for a month now & I haven’t even BEGUN to move on! Ok, the crying has stopped and the pictures are down, but I still talk to him almost everyday and think about him 20 times and day and, even though I keep saying I’m glad we broke up, I can’t help still wanting to be together! I mean, we didn’t have much in common & we argued alot and seemed to bring out bad in each other. So WHY IN THE HELL do I want him back so much? And why am I a glutton for punishment? Each time I talk to him, I get all giddy like when we first met and don’t want him to hang up. I hang on his every word and in the back of my mind, think that this will lead to us getting back together. But then I realize that he’s enjoying the friends thing & wants to keep it that way. So he gets what he wants & I’m miserable.

Why are guys so emotionally-challenged? My mom told me guys feel and love different, but I never really understood what that meant until now. For guys, emotional attachment is only worth about 40% of their effort & of themselves, but for girls, we put it all in. I’m starting to wish I thought like a guy…

Nah, never mind. I just wish I could turn off my feelings for a while until I moved on with my life and found a new focus.