My earliest relationship with men was with my dad, who was authoritative and even abusive to my mom. I was always between love and fear in my reactions to him. Even when my mom took us and left him, he still played manipulative games and blamed me for the divorce. As I grew up I didn’t try to communicate with him and even refused to acknowledge that I had a dad, because of his constant dishonesty. I ended up harbouring a deep anger that I still have issues with. When I became an adult, I decided to forgive him for myself, not for him so that I wouldn’t go insane. But I never had a male role model. Evey male figure that came into my life was always uncomfortable for me. I would feel really shy or really “icky”, not trusting their intentions or motives. I never dated or had a boyfriend. Instead I had crushes that were “safe” by directing them at unattainable guys, older men or ones with no chance for a relationship. And the guys who did show an interest in me,I would be turned off immediately and find a way to avoid them and reject them. I focused my energy on my studies, work and trying to be independent. Although secretly, I really want to get married and have children. When I was in my early twenties, I found out that my dad was not really my biological dad and that the “real” one had abandoned my mom when she was pregnant with me. So I felt doubly rejected by both my real dad and the one who took me in. It didn’t help me to think highly of men. So now here I am in my thirties, living overseas and feeling lonely and wondering if I will ever be able to open up to any guy. Recently, I met someone who I tried to be out of character with and carry on a flirtation, but it turned out that he was only charming me because he assumed that I would sleep with him. When I corrected him of that idea, he completely changed face and wanted nothing more to do with me.
So once again, I am trying to deal with my issues. My head knows that there are good guys, trustworthy, honourable men, but my feelings of distrust just won’t allow me to even see that far. I just feel like I can’t be safe with any man. As much as I want to, I keep holding back. Just once, I want to meet someone who sees how special I am, who will want me for me and not for playing games.
