The Solidago Girl is doing 38 things including…

The Get Frustration out Blog

5 cheers

 

The Solidago Girl has written 31 entries about this goal

So update

So,an update on this really busy month.
I have joined up a company and I am still in the process of learning it,going through ups and downs,admittedly,the sitting 9-5 job routine gets on my nerve,and i havent been able to exercise atall except on weekends

I wanna carry this forward and use it as a platform to base architecture from,i got enrolled in something here,but it is not exactly architecture,which leads me into dismay,i miss my nights shifting in architecture,my friends,my love life,and a little distant dream that is away from the boredom i face here.But the great thing about challenges is,they make you who you are.And I am just trying to escape.

my life is as perfect as it could be financially,it is just that I am lonely.I miss my man,he is soo far away,and it gets hard not to get angry sometimes.People underestimate how much even physical presence of a person drives a relationship.I miss snuggling like a baby misses human touch.And then my friends back there are leaving to their lives as well.It feels a deconstruction of a world I was fond of.And that makes me sad.But as long as I understand it,I will make it back.

I am having a loss of passion these couple of days,partially because i rarely see sunlight,and getting accustomed to the rich food,kinda taking life granted.But i believe,i will make it.I dont know how,i dont know when,but i will.

I know this is the only way out,as for my studies,there might be more,and there is nothing i want but to pursue architecture.But life is being rough on me.And I have to take some hard choices.Right now,its not the world I want to have,but it is the best world i cant get.So for now,this month,this moment,I am grateful.



Family Woes..

It’s like being a teenager all over again.Being with your family,you can easily see where you got your rudimentary strengths and weaknesses.My mother is an incredible strong, passionate and financially independent woman.She is an incredibly good human being.But her fire leads her to terrible fears,and my mother is a fear prone person.When it is not fears it is self pity and shame,when not that,it is wallowing over how lonely and empty she is.All my life growing up I tried to make her life perfect,make her stronger and happier,and be a “good” daughter so that she will be happy.But from the day I have known her,I haven’t been able to change that attitude.My mother doesn’t believe in listening to others,and distrusts “those self help” books.When she had love or did not,she always complained how lonely she is.She always complains how she has to do everything herself,even when people help her out.My mother has her in her center of universe of pain,and from years of trying in vain,I have come to the conclusion she likes being a martyr victim/struggler. My dad on the other hand is the complete opposite and they have been married for 22 years.Anyways back to the strengths and weaknesses.Growing up I was an incredibly insecure and wallowing spoilt brat.It was having friends from outside that made me aware that I was wrong.When I met people who braved worse than me,but could easily smile and carry out their day,it made me question this great struggle I had.I found my need to get attention from others by victimization get another need of being self sufficient and in balance.The word balance.I found people who own that word,and even as I try everyday,I find it remarkable how some people manage to perfect that zen core.

Now I have a little brother,who is kind of anti social.I love him,but I want him to escape from home sometimes,be free,find his own self.I want him to experience life,and know his spirit.But that wont happen,when he is in the house,stuck gaming alone in the house with my parents.So this is how people loose peace,when they set out to try to help those who don’t wish to be helped.



Day 16..

Now for frustration..

I am dazed by the constant noise of people.More of telling me what to do.For a while,I just want to be in this moment,not jumping to another bandwagon of thoughts.

I have this big fear that my relationship with my man will die out,and there are valid reasons behind it.One,there is soo much you can communicate love on chat. Skyping puts my man into some kind of a zone,a zone that indicates politeness but not the connect we have.On messaging his geek side seems at peace,but its hard to express emotions and rawness on an electronic medium.

The reason to not escape the relationship and hide in my vacillating fear of love,is that,I actually trust this guy.The very idea of us being together,even meeting again,seems to seal time for me.I cannot be happy so much just by one person,and this has not happened to me at this scale before.So,swing it for the big dream.

The last suckiest thing is about my university life.I am giving everything away,my family and friends and the life I built to a new life from scratch that may not even work.It is daunting.I know the past wont work,but the future is unsure too.This is again fear,and restlessness,its out of my comfort zone,and I am bat shit scared.

To keep myself focused,I am working on anything remotely architecture.It keeps me at peace.But I have a long long way to go..

Lets hope.Lets see.



Day 8th

Its like my mind is in a state of daze.But that could be because of the over mental stimulation I am addicted to.Usually that means my slightly pushy brain is trying to block emotional flow into my brain.One reason why I would subconsciously do that is that my just recently developed long distance boyfriend didnt call today.The reasons could range from he is tired or busy or needs space to he is an accident to even worse,(gasp) he doesn’t love me anymore!!(Insert women thinking stereotypes here)

That and my room is in a mess.I didn’t go to the bank today,so I will have to survive the next 2 days with limited money.Usually this shows the state of my mind.That and its my time of the month.

I need to get up and do something,for heaven sake I have a roommate.Plans ahead,clean up the crib,journal and tonight go out,anywhere with a free entrance and alot of people.

okay the room is clean.so far so good.lets work on other things..



Day 6

In 9 days my life is gonna change.All because of debt.I cant carry out my degree like this.i will loose a semester simply cause I have absolutely run out money and I am in too much debt to save my next semester. This really hurts.I did really well.If I was allowed a bit more leverage time I might have even got a scholarship.Now apparently I will take a break and work in a field completely opposite of architecture.Sigh dreams are hard.

It is not even as if I have an option.September I will try going to the university again,if I don’t find another college in time.I will have to leave all my friends and the life I made here for 3 1/2 years.It hurts.Frankly after working this hard and being soo much in debt I am through with this education.I am really thinking of going solo and working for a while.Cause you have an education to gain money and for that gasp,you need money.Alot.Wayy too much.

I really believe I should just start working.Frankly what choice I have?But who will hire an dropout from college?

Panic,fear and unrest.But I will make it.Its not over yet.



day 5..

Well the dorm dropped a crisis on me that I have to evacuate unless if I come up with 2000 dollars in 9 days.I hate bureaucracy.Now I have to think of what exactly I am gonna do.

Apart from that nothing.I have to clean up the room.And Live my life.There is nothing I can do for the dorm money so cheers to fear and homeless people!!! =D



Day 3..=)

Still have 2 exams tomorrow,I am confident but still.

Audrey Hepburn is still haunting my dreams (no complaints).

I read something amazing which really I believe in.I think the whole purpose of being an adult is taking things under your control and making your own decisions.To your own good.Thats why life eventually gets better when you get older.I like that thought. =)

I get to make my own family.Create my life.Work for my own body,mind and life.And as long as I dont get some where where i feel stable,I will keep trying.

Another thought.Relationships are beautiful but they cant replace the fact we are growing people.If the best you ever were is in the past,you are doing something wrong.I love that.Its a philosophy that makes you live life right now rather than reminisce in the past.

Another thought i had before waking up,when i grow older,I want crow feet around the corner of my eyes and lines from my nose to my mouth,so that people can see I spend a lifetime laughing =) That cheered up my whole morning.Here is to wrinkles that show a lifetime of happiness. =)



Day 2..

I still have doubts over the debts and things.

Today I learned something.People who people cherish just do more things granted for people than the rest.I realized this from a friend.It just means you are more willing to do things for other people.Simple gestures.

My baby is graduating and I need to get him a gift..any gift..

So what else..?

Bit miffed over the fact I have a pale dull face today.But to be fair to me I haven’t been sleeping well.Will change that.

Came across a thought if you wanna be jealous of someone,be jealous of everything they are,from good to bad,to everything.

And another one,most people come across their calling by an accident.People don’t have callings,just things they feel like doing,and stick to it.Helped me trying to fluctuate over careers.everything is fine.

Then parents,who with all their love taken in consideration just give too much advice.Also I kind of have different values than them.My mother,though I love her with all my heart,is opinionated and God sent on everything.I am a girl,who though not morally loose by any standards,likes to have fun once a while.She is too perfectly prim for me,though that’s nothing wrong,its just a mentality I am unfortunately too late to prescribe to.

Then again,I am 21,I should probably listen,and heck they know more about life than me.But I feel parents are too protective for their children,something I think my parents never adhered to themselves.I think in the end of the day best lessons are learned by what people do,rather than say…



A bit insecure?

I am kind of doubting myself since I am not being able to follow up anything I want to do recently.This has to change.Also most of my friends are graduating out of college with a job,and I still see 2 more years and pain of financial debt.I really dunno what to do.

On other hand I really want peace and love in my life,and people’s strange attitudes disturb me.I don’t understand it.Why the anger?

On the other hand are people who are oddly sweet to me,with whom my wounds aren’t healed yet.Strange role reversal phenomenon?

I want to keep remembering people.Keeping contact and visiting them everyday seems to be the trick.I really don’t understand the constant need to see faces.Its not as if anything bad has happened.

The background of this is my fear that my university education will be blocked if I couldn’t get money from somewhere.In addition I am wondering the futility of it all.

Add to that in 2 days I have 2 exams,one for today and tomorrow to study.I cant entertain people right now..

And I need to focus really fast.



Moms.....

I got ticked off by my mom because she was nagging about something .Really,its not necessary it won’t make a difference.Whats the point of entering someone’s room and then telling them the same criticism you have been telling them for a week,again and again??I mean,I am not a dog.You don’t have to sink in the “command”.And I am not a guy,that I need to hear it over and over again before it breaches my system.Just Saying.If the reception of the same command was the same for the last 400 times,maybe you need to change your communication method,cause its doing nothing but creating dissent.Oh well.A better way would have been to offer to w ork together.Or suggest a time frame in which she thinks it would be done and hear a course of outcome from that person on when they’d do it and follow up.Not walk in 6 times a day in the kid’s room and complain,as if it is a traumatic subject rather than a Todo list.

I know for her,its a way to initiate a conversation,but really,a hello would be sooo much better,a hug would be too.maybe a how was your day would be too.Parents assume that since their problems are worse,it means that there is no need to create positive communication with their kid.Its wrong.Anyhow it ruins their own days,and damages relationships with their children.And makes the synonymous with being drab and being a kind of a mild headache.



The Solidago Girl has gotten 5 cheers on this goal.

 

I want to:
43 Things Login