be a better mother

Last night Brennah and I worked on pricing yard sale stuff while we re-watched The Devil Wears Prada. She was actually quite a bit of help and she really enjoyed doing it. I couldn’t coax Ti into coming to help us out which I really regret, because I wanted it to be a big girls’ evening together, but oh well. Teenagers will be teenagers. Brennah and I had fun, anyway.

Tonight I will have to finish it up so I may let her help me some more, if she’s still interested. Daddy is home tonight though, so she probably will only want to hang out with him.

Tomorrow she will go with me to the sale and help out there. I will probably let her take the money and make change, as they are learning that in school, as long as it’s not too busy. It’s supposed to rain so we will be all crammed into the cafeteria, which will sort of suck, but it’s for a good cause.

Then she has a soccer game and Ti has voice rehearsal. I will have to drop Ti off, then make haste out to get to Brennah’s game on time. Then back to pick up Ti when it’s over.

Sunday is Ti’s recital so that evening is spoken for. It’s going to be a crazy weekend.

Signed up to go with Brennah’s class on their bowling field trip. It will burn a day of vacation but will be well worth it; she is so excited. I so rarely get to do things with her school during the workday, so this will be really great for both of us.

We have, however, gotten some very nice mommy-daughter time while Daddy has been out of town. Not always nice – mommy has PMS and daughter is rebelling at Daddy being gone by misbehaving at school—but frequently very nice. We have not been able to do a lot of the fun stuff I wanted to do because it was contingent upon her behaving well at school, and she hasn’t, so we’ve missed out on a few things, but it’s still nice to have time with just us.

Tiara, of course, still stays mostly to herself, but we’ve had a bit of time together too. I took them to the bookstore Monday and then let them pick out what they wanted for dinner for the week, since I don’t cook family meals when Scott’s gone. They thought that was pretty cool…and Tuesday there was dance…and last night I took them to Sonic which they love, and we all got dessert which is a bit of a treat as I don’t usually let them have a lot of junk.

Tonight we were supposed to go to a movie but that’s nixed since Brennah’s been so evil to her teacher, so I think maybe we will just have a yard-sale pricing party instead. I would prefer to watch some movies while we do it but she has lost TV for the week too so that would be fairly inconsistent. But she will enjoy writing out the prices for me to put on stuff.

They don’t have school tomorrow so I may bring Brennah to work with me, that way Ti can sleep in and not have to watch her little sister. I can always take her home at noon so she can have some at-home time too. Then Saturday is the yard sale, soccer game and voice recital practice; Sunday is recital. I hate May.

I spent quite a bit of time with Brennah this weekend – but I’m not sure if I get to be proud of that since I spent NO time with her Friday, even though I was off. Too much of the day spent working (even though I was off) and then I did spend quite a bit of time writing. Those were things I needed to do, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t spend the day just being with her.

Granted, all she wanted to do was watch Star Wars movies all day, but I should have turned the TV off, told her no, and played board games with her or something. Couldn’t go out, it was too rainy and nasty, but I could have come up with something. So I’m not feeling great about that.

But Saturday we played some games, I took her to the grocery store with me and she helped me shop…and I was patient with her. Sunday we played more games, I was still patient, and then we made cookies for Daddy. We did some snuggling…

There’s still more I could have done. There always is. I’m not sure I will ever be able to mark this one done…but I guess it’s the trying that counts.

As for Ti, well, she spent the whole three days in her room, didn’t really want anything to do with anyone. I tried to be empathetic about her break-up even though I think the guy is a total poser, but I know she still hurts. Beyond that, there wasn’t much mothering she would let me do. Other than letting her dig through my iTunes to find songs she likes…and calling her down for being horribly mean to her sister. Not the kind of mothering I prefer but I guess that’s part of being a good mother too, huh? It’s not all baking and games, I guess it has to be discipline too.

Ah, well. I guess it evens out. I will try harder this week.

Took Brennah to the Hibachi last night. It was her first visit and I wasn’t sure how she would like it. As I expected, she was a little afraid when they lit the oil and the fire leapt up, but other than that she really had a blast. She loved that the chef winked at her and called her “girlfriend”.

It was a very enjoyable evening. Everyone was very relaxed and positive, which was really nice. It’s always so good to get to spend time with my family without anyone fighting or arguing. But I still miss Tiara terribly and am counting the hours till she gets back from New York.

I wish the girls could get along. It would make this particular goal so much easier…

Brennah, my 7-year-old, gave me a heartbreaking wake-up call the other day.

I had told her, “I’m sorry we had a rough day. I don’t like having to get on to you all the time. But even though it was rough, I still love you.”

And she said…

“Sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.”

Ouch.

I have got to stop being so impatient to get through every day. I have got to be kinder and less critical and more THERE for them. The past few months I have gotten so rushed that I don’t have time to be nice and that’s just crazy and stupid. So soon, they will both be gone and I will no longer be a part of their lives…I will not lose these days to regret through a mad dash to some undefined and probably nonexistent finish line. I will treasure each moment with them and act in such a way that they will be able to treasure each moment also. After all, there are only so many moments in a life.