get over my ex

I didn’t see him all day. He called me last night. He wants to be my friend. He doesn’t know if he loves me still. He likes someone else… and she’s not even pretty. But he thinks she’s beautiful. And I cannot for the life of me figure out how. He says my chances of him being in love with me are 50/50. With those words, I have had enough. I will no longer be sad. No matter how sick I feel when I see him, I will hold my head up high and smile. It’s time to pick myself and my dignity up from the ground. I am worth so much more than a 50/50 chance.

School was canceled today…. it came as a relief not having to see him today after yesterday’s horrid events. However, Yo can run, but you can’t hide… and school resumes tomorrow. What do I do? I already feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest… I am so scared. I want to look strong… like nothing can bring me down… but how? how? How do I stop feeling like my insides are about to fall out? How do I stop the yearning to call him and beg him to love me? How? I need strength… now more than ever before. And to you… I love you. Still… Stupidly. And yes… I miss you more than ever… and the thought of seeing you with someone else is threatening to overwhelm me… make me wish I cold be a million miles away from you. But I can’t run away. I can’t. Not yet, at least. I have to stay here , with my parents, and prepare for college so when I have to go, I can get the farthest away from you possible. But I will be strong. Every time I see you looking so happy I will remember that you truly are not, because you are not a happy person… a person that makes another so miserable on purpose cannot have a happy heart. But I WILL. I MuST. Survive. I will survive. I have to.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is the first time I’ve heard him say “we’re completely over”. It was a long and passionate relationship… two years.I loved…well, I love him…more than my life…and I’m sure he loved me like that at some point too…although maybe not anymore. Then he broke up with me, just like that. That was a year ago. Since then he’s been crawling back, telling me he loves me, and that there is no one better, getting bored, leaving, coming back, and so on. A cycle. Which I let continue for so long. Every time he would come back, I would be happy, every time i wold feel like he was getting bored, I wold do anything to get him to stay… and when he left… well. It was heartbreak. over and over again. God knows how many times. I really thought he was the love of my life you know. the one. We even had our childrens’ names picked out. He had asked me to marry him. I said yes. He made me feel beautiful… he was my first boyfriend… my first kiss. My life was so wonderful with him during our relationship that I thought that if I kept taking him back he would eventually go back to being my Eric. But he never did. When we were together and he made me cry, he would… actually, no. He never made me cry then. But now… I’ve cried in one week more that I have ever cried my entire life…and all he did was call me pathetic. and axfixiating. Worst of all, I think he’s moved on… But that is not the problem. The problem is me. When he comes around, I can’t stay away. I can’t say no. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS take him back… I think i’m scared of losing true love. But is he really true love? I don’t know. But today, he finaly said “we’re completely over”. It hurt. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. I couldn’t even stay at school. I went home… although I know I can’t keep doing that. I need to face the problem…but I’m scared. I am weak… I can’t turn him away… no matter how badly he treats me. But just in case he comes back, or just in case this time it really is definitive and he never comes back, I come here. To forget. And start a new life. I must. for me. But how? How can I forget a person who used to be my everything…? I need help. I need to survive this. I need to show the world I am strong. I need to show him I AM strong. I need to be able to see him and not feel anything. I am DONE humiliating myself in front of him. DONE. I have had enough. Tomorrow…scares me. I don’t want to return to the place where it is all happening. I am not ready. But I can’t miss… I need to get into college, where I hope I will really be able to get a new life for myself. I don’t want to see him tomorrow. I am not ready. I’m scared. For myself.