be knowN I am getting depressed again. I really hate this. I know much of the issues I have right now is from going through the change.
I did get an appointment with the Doctor and we are trying some stuff that hopefully will help. I can tell it has some. I am not crying at every turn and I have not gotten as angry as often but the underlying depression is coming up. I am just trying to work through it. I am doing other things to work on myself to see if that is where the depression is coming from. I personally think it is a little of both. My body being just plain out of wack and maybe a few past issues I guess I need to work on.
I guess time will tell the tale. I did speak with my Mom and she said she was the pretty much the same way. I just missed most of it because I had moved out before she really went into full blown crazy time.
So that is my truth today.
I went to bed last night in a very down mood. Tears streaming down my face. Just knowing I had to get up and deal with hyper-active dad-in-law was almost to much. The dr upped hia dosage of seraquel to 50mg 2x a day. He also stated Jimmy is acting at about 6-8 months old in what he does. I guess it just all got to me and I was so sure the higher dosage of medicine would not work. I was just ready to quit. I basically did not know how I would face today. I told God this too.
Today Jimmy is better manageable. I am just relieved. I guess the next few days will tell for sure. I am so relieved. I really did not think I could get through another day of the extreme hyper active super daddy.
I am tired. I am stressed out. I don’t want to get burned out.
Our respite care company is shutting the doors in a month. It freaked me out at first. Six hours a week of free time may not seem like much but when you are stuck with people that are so sick and frail all the time it is a major emotional drain.
I guess we will survive. At least I do have relief every Tuesday.
Still it was a blow to me and it upset me.
There are folks out there in worse shape then us. So very sad.
At least my in-laws have us. Some people have no one and respite care is being cut on many levels.
Sometimes I wonder how long this will go on. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t want to wish them in the grave. Yet I want my life back. I miss it. Does that make me a bad person?
Just when I think I am doing Okay with my moods etc. I start on that slippery slope down.
I refuse to do this. I am not my emotions. What do I do?
I put my nose to the grindstone and refuse to let it happen.
One day at a time.
I am tired of not being able to go to the bathroom without someone else here to watch the fil.
The dog is tired of having to wait too.
If I can’t have time to do everyday things like laundry supper etc. then this will not work.
I have to watch the fil all the time. If I interfere to keep him from getting hurt he has started getting agressive.
What am I to do. If I am not healthy how can I take care of both the father-in-law and the mother-in-law. I have had two big colds in as many months. I know this is from stress. Not getting me time.
Speaking of which. Havemto run he is on the move again.
And yelled but only after the father-in-law tore the shower door off the shower. He often shakes it in anger but I did not expect him to pull the whole thing off. I feel like a line has been crossed. My emotions of caring have just vanished. Maybe it is better this way. Zombieland.
It can be very hard to let go and let God. I think that is where I am. I am going through the motions but keeping out of the fray. I have been having to do this with my Mother-in-law as well. It has really become nothing more then A job 24/7 that I just want to be over with and go home. Except this is home. I am tired of the insanity and I can’t leave. Days really suck when I just want to relax at home. They are here. So I have to leave. I really just want to scream and I really wish I had my old punching bag. It took the steam out real quick.
Okay enough ranting and on with my day. Hopefully there is no where to go but up.
Chipper today. Do not want to deal with anybody. But I have to. The father-in-law is combative and angry for around 30 mins in the morning. I am so tired of it. I am angry with my brother in law. He takes a day off and does nothing. R and I never ever get a break. Gee I think I will take today off. Oops.
I got up around seven worked on my morning pages project and then decided to sneak back to bed for just a bit. It is Saturday and everybody deserves to sleep in once in a while. In my case everyone got to sleep in because I am usually getting everyone up!
It was what I wanted to do.
A movie tonight that reminded me of myself and my best friend in high school. It made me cry. I think of him often. I miss him a lot. He was probably the best friend I have ever had. The story of the movie was not us. Well to some degree it was but the personalities were so similar and it was set in the 80’s. It was hitting home.
I hope he is OK wherever he is.
I am accepting that my darling husband is often annoying. I don’t feel wrong saying this.
I was busy getting the in-laws breakfast and he kept wanting me to help him put a new light in the kitchen.
It’s not that easy. Mom has her pills,coffee,milk and oh yes don’t forget her water. Dad has to have all soft food plus his pills have to be crushed into his food. Then it takes over a half hour to feed him. He has gone past being able to do this on his own.
Enough. I looked at him with a look like come on i have got to do this now. Duh! Finally he backed off.
Then we had planned to work on cleaning out the shed while the respite worker was here. She was supposed to be here at 2:00. She never showed. So instead of calling her or texting her to see what was going on I called the office and spoke with her boss. I was nice but like hey what is going on. I know at times numbers get fudged but I am tired of people taking advantage of us and my in-laws.
So no cleaning out the shed. We can’t leave them alone and it will take both my husband and I to move some of the stuff. I am a bit aggrevated. Don’t I have the right to be? Regardless it is how I feel.