My last post in this section was about spidey sense, and how women should trust it with scary men, and how society often tells women to be nice and ignore it. That can kill women who don’t listen to self.
There is another category here, one that is even darker, and politically incorrect maybe, but I have had to deal with it, and maybe some other guys and gals here have to deal with this too. I sure would like to hear some responses on this topic. So I’m going to take a deep breath, summon my literary courage and dive in to…
...when women set off my spidey sense.
I have know several women in my life who deliberately encourage destructive relationships with very scary men, then want to run and cry to their friends, which sets off the scary man to hate their friends. And the woman will keep running back and forth with these men, and place the friends in dangerous places.
Some examples in my life:
“A” is a beautiful woman, of the kind of beauty that could be in a centerfold in a men’s magazine. She is also smart as a whip. But in the time I have known her, she’s had her nose broken twice by one man. One knifed her. Her latest beau tied her up, beat and raped her, and also gave up drugs in her drinks which could have killed her. Repeatably. Yet she goes back. She has been to therapy, and has gotten lots of help. We have discussed, ad nausem, about this. Because of her looks, career accomplishments, and wit, there are many many great guys who want her. Yet she always goes for the man who abuses her. And stays. I know her background, this does not come from that. She just, I believe, likes it. She chooses this again and again. The last time I tried to get her to see her part in choosing and staying with these men, she stopped being my friend. and I was very gentle in bringing it up. she can’t take anything except from men, I guess Frankly, it’s a relief.
“D” is a woman who claims to be a real feminist, with her college degrees. But she goes from one man who cheats and puts her down, to the next. Each one gets worse. I can accept that, it’s her choice, but the guy starts to get weird towards me and other around him. He’s a monster when he gets drunk, and overbearing while he’s sober. He openly tells us in front of her that she isn’t pretty enough for him, and he deserves better. He cheats with other women in front of her, and she just keeps “trying harder”. One of our friends did a background check on him, and found he has an extensive history of violence. She didn’t care when we told her. He has been banned from events of our community. She doesn’t care. He claims to have a big military background in martial arts (I think he lies). I still hung around her because we have a lot of mutual friends.
The final straw for me was when I met Mr. B and the jerk started getting aggressive towards him. My spidey sense started screaming he was going to start a fight eventually. Mr. B is a big strong guy, and he is a nice guy. I just saw disaster coming from this, and so did Mr. B. So we both sat her down and told her it’s our friendship or him. We listed everything. Of course she choose him, and basically everyone else in our little community started backing off too. She lied like crazy about me being mean and defended him (while lying and saying what a great guy he is). Relationships became very strained between me and many people we cared about the most because of the lies. It took years and many hours of talking to set things right. The big lie she told about me is that I attacked her physically and verbally in private. It was a complete and total lie, and only when the pieces were put together and my whereabouts at the time verified by someone else did it finally come to rest.
She lied and said I attacked her, yet would deny he when would attack her, even when there were witnesses. It was surreal. She eventually lost all of her friends here, and they moved away and married. We went through hell over this, but I am so glad we stood our ground and walked away from her, as he never had a chance to get violent towards Mr. B and me.
I sometimes read stories when the crazy boyfriend/husband will kill the friends of the woman, just because they were around. A female attorney here was stalked and viciously killed by a former husband of a woman who worked for her. She gave the woman money to move, and legal and friendship support. He didn’t go to harm the wife (fortunately) but just the person whom, in his sick mind, was meddling.
Today when I come across women like this, I listen for patterns. If they have drama with man after man, especially violent drama, if sets off my spidey sense. If they jump from one abusive man to the next guy, I pay attention. If they find attributes such as big steroidal muscles, a belligerent attitude, an excessive amount of guns attractive, I back off fast. I run from women who find guys that drink a lot and do drugs attractive. If they find decent guys boring and crave the excitement of a jerk, my spidey sense sings to me. I really love my spidey sense
Now I know there are people out there who never want to blame the woman, but I’m not one of them. We all have to take responsibility for our choices, and the people we surround ourselves with once we become adults is one of those choices. And I’ve seen woman after woman who put the desire for the crazy guy ahead of their friends, family, and even their children. There are resources, therapists, safe houses, books, and just getting away from the guy the first time he’s a jerk. This is what the police are for, I suggest they call 911 first, then call me back.
So today, I just get away. I am completely repelled by these women. I don’t feel sorry for them. I may give the the number of the local womens safe house or such, but my life is too short, precious, and yes, fragile, to take a chance of these women, and the Drama Tornado of their lives.
Another type of gal is the one whose man isn’t violent, but he is abusive. She will stay forever, but will happily, in her vampiric way, suck the life force out of everyone who tries to help her. That’s abuse too. To me. I’ve said it here before, and it’s something I’ve learn to live by, but I have learned to never care about anyone more than they care about themselves. It will make me crazy, as I will try to carry the weight for two. Also, it is their responsibility to grow up and take care of themselves.
So I’m sure that A and D (and other I have known)are still creating havoc for everyone around them. Oh well, maybe they will die from it, maybe their death will be the slow eroding of their souls. There is nothing I can do, and I won’t try.
I also have to fight the ‘women should be nice’ mindset when I deal with these women. I put up with too much too long, by ignoring my spidey sense and being nice. It was a shock to me to realize they prefer this, and my ‘helping’ them was a dangerous illusion on my part. In this, as in other areas, I had to redefine what is good, decent, and yes, nice.
Being good is being pleasant to those around me, being decent is taking responsibility for my life and actions, and being nice is being nice to me! I can’t do that for anyone else, nor does any spiritual law I believe in compel me to.
Edit: I just want to state that if children are involved and they are possibly in danger, the authorities must be called. I have done this myself. more than once, too!
Edit II: Also call the authorities if the jerk abuses her pets and other animals.
Edit III: Call the cops if the neighbor is beating up the wife, even if it’s the 100th time. oh boy have I done this too.
Just don’t let them know you’re the one who called, to stay out of danger!!! But do call if necessary!!!
But in my personal life with these women today, I walk away. It’s quite a challenge to define the boundaries sometimes.