Post Random Ramblings

First my computer broke, husband’s computers (yes, plural) broke, reduced to using others’ computers for only necessary stuff. Depressing.

But computer is working again.

Also I hit a major depression, which was shocking. I applied to so many jobs, and nothing. Nothing. Not even call backs. I felt like such as failure. All that time in school, actually getting my license, and even went on for IV therapy certification. Not a single response, and nobody would talk to me at the places I showed up. I offered to work for minimum wage, or volunteer. I’ve set my limit for driving to work to a 100 mile distance. Still nothing.

So I shut down, went into a shell. I would read about other people, and how they could work. Why not me? I couldn’t face the ‘you don’t have a job yet?’ again. I don’t have money to fix computer, help my marriage, anything.

But I found this sort of thing is a common occurrence for the chronically unemployed. It’s so hard, cause I’m using to Doing Something. So I’m not alone.

I have been praying a lot, doing more work. I have been doing Byron Katie’s The Work, and it’s helping. I’m trying to live outside my story. I’ve been trying again, to seek a job, but at the same time not letting it be my identity.

This is all I can write today.

A poor cub with a big plastic jar on its’ head, with a three legged mom, and a happy ending (even with the biting)

http://www.ocala.com/article/20100814/ARTICLES/8141001/1402/NEWS?Title=Cub-survives-10-days-with-head-stuck-in-jar-

A story that had to be posted.

Mr. B and I were on our computers, when we heard a knock at the door. It was about 9:30 PM. He asked who it was, and all we could hear was a young woman’s voice.

So I answered the door. It was a petite woman/girl, I’d say about 15. I asked her what she wanted. She wanted a ride to the mall. She said she was having chest pain and someone there would take her to the hospital.

I told her I am a nurse, and that it would be better for her to go directly to the hospital if she’s having chest pain. I could call an ambulance, or I could take her there directly. She wanted to go to the mall (at ten at night?)

I mentioned the hospital was on the way to the mall. Surely her friend could meet her (and she did not seem to be in any pain, or distress, so I was spidey sensing all over the place).

I asked her where she lived, where were her parents. “oh down the street.” And why did she need me to drive her, since I don’t ever know her: “Oh I don’t speak Spanish, but I was told you speak English and have a car.” Who told her what???

Then I mentioned again perhaps it would be a good idea to call her parents. “Oh they live in (and town very far away).” Yet one minute ago they lived down the street. Her story became more disjointed from there. It was so obvious she was lying.

I asked her for a moment to consult my husband. He was worried that if I left alone, I would be set up for something, if we both took her somewhere, we would be leaving the apt. alone to be robbed. So we decided we would stay with her until the ambulance arrived.

Of course, when we opened the door, she was gone. It wasn’t even two minutes. I looked around but couldn’t find her. I didn’t call the police, because what is there to say? But it was all so weird.

Anyway, I do hope she’s okay, and not doing something really stupid.

My last post in this section was about spidey sense, and how women should trust it with scary men, and how society often tells women to be nice and ignore it. That can kill women who don’t listen to self.

There is another category here, one that is even darker, and politically incorrect maybe, but I have had to deal with it, and maybe some other guys and gals here have to deal with this too. I sure would like to hear some responses on this topic. So I’m going to take a deep breath, summon my literary courage and dive in to…

...when women set off my spidey sense.

I have know several women in my life who deliberately encourage destructive relationships with very scary men, then want to run and cry to their friends, which sets off the scary man to hate their friends. And the woman will keep running back and forth with these men, and place the friends in dangerous places.

Some examples in my life:
“A” is a beautiful woman, of the kind of beauty that could be in a centerfold in a men’s magazine. She is also smart as a whip. But in the time I have known her, she’s had her nose broken _twice by one man. One knifed her. Her latest beau tied her up, beat and raped her, and also gave up drugs in her drinks which could have killed her. Repeatably. Yet she goes back. She has been to therapy, and has gotten lots of help. We have discussed, ad nausem, about this. Because of her looks, career accomplishments, and wit, there are many many great guys who want her. Yet she always goes for the man who abuses her. And stays. I know her background, this does not come from that. She just, I believe, likes it. She chooses this again and again. The last time I tried to get her to see her part in choosing and staying with these men, she stopped being my friend. _{and I was very gentle in bringing it up. she can’t take anything except from men, I guess} Frankly, it’s a relief.

“D” is a woman who claims to be a real feminist, with her college degrees. But she goes from one man who cheats and puts her down, to the next. Each one gets worse. I can accept that, it’s her choice, but the guy starts to get weird towards me and other around him. He’s a monster when he gets drunk, and overbearing while he’s sober. He openly tells us in front of her that she isn’t pretty enough for him, and he deserves better. He cheats with other women in front of her, and she just keeps “trying harder”. One of our friends did a background check on him, and found he has an extensive history of violence. She didn’t care when we told her. He has been banned from events of our community. She doesn’t care. He claims to have a big military background in martial arts (I think he lies). I still hung around her because we have a lot of mutual friends.

The final straw for me was when I met Mr. B and the jerk started getting aggressive towards him. My spidey sense started screaming he was going to start a fight eventually. Mr. B is a big strong guy, and he is a nice guy. I just saw disaster coming from this, and so did Mr. B. So we both sat her down and told her it’s our friendship or him. We listed everything. Of course she choose him, and basically everyone else in our little community started backing off too. She lied like crazy about me being mean and defended him (while lying and saying what a great guy he is). Relationships became very strained between me and many people we cared about the most because of the lies. It took years and many hours of talking to set things right. The big lie she told about me is that I attacked her physically and verbally in private. It was a complete and total lie, and only when the pieces were put together and my whereabouts at the time verified by someone else did it finally come to rest.

She lied and said I attacked her, yet would deny he when would attack her, even when there were witnesses. It was surreal. She eventually lost all of her friends here, and they moved away and married. We went through hell over this, but I am so glad we stood our ground and walked away from her, as he never had a chance to get violent towards Mr. B and me.

I sometimes read stories when the crazy boyfriend/husband will kill the friends of the woman, just because they were around. A female attorney here was stalked and viciously killed by a former husband of a woman who worked for her. She gave the woman money to move, and legal and friendship support. He didn’t go to harm the wife (fortunately) but just the person whom, in his sick mind, was meddling.

Today when I come across women like this, I listen for patterns. If they have drama with man after man, especially violent drama, if sets off my spidey sense. If they jump from one abusive man to the next guy, I pay attention. If they find attributes such as big steroidal muscles, a belligerent attitude, an excessive amount of guns attractive, I back off fast. I run from women who find guys that drink a lot and do drugs attractive. If they find decent guys boring and crave the excitement of a jerk, my spidey sense sings to me. _{I really love my spidey sense}

Now I know there are people out there who never want to blame the woman, but I’m not one of them. We all have to take responsibility for our choices, and the people we surround ourselves with once we become adults is one of those choices. And I’ve seen woman after woman who put the desire for the crazy guy ahead of their friends, family, and even their children. There are resources, therapists, safe houses, books, and just getting away from the guy the first time he’s a jerk. This is what the police are for, I suggest they call 911 first, then call me back.

So today, I just get away. I am completely repelled by these women. I don’t feel sorry for them. I may give the the number of the local womens safe house or such, but my life is too short, precious, and yes, fragile, to take a chance of these women, and the Drama Tornado of their lives.

Another type of gal is the one whose man isn’t violent, but he is abusive. She will stay forever, but will happily, in her vampiric way, suck the life force out of everyone who tries to help her. That’s abuse too. To me. I’ve said it here before, and it’s something I’ve learn to live by, but I have learned to never care about anyone more than they care about themselves. It will make me crazy, as I will try to carry the weight for two. Also, it is their responsibility to grow up and take care of themselves.

So I’m sure that A and D (and other I have known)are still creating havoc for everyone around them. Oh well, maybe they will die from it, maybe their death will be the slow eroding of their souls. There is nothing I can do, and I won’t try.

I also have to fight the ‘women should be nice’ mindset when I deal with these women. I put up with too much too long, by ignoring my spidey sense and being nice. It was a shock to me to realize they prefer this, and my ‘helping’ them was a dangerous illusion on my part. In this, as in other areas, I had to redefine what is good, decent, and yes, nice.

Being good is being pleasant to those around me, being decent is taking responsibility for my life and actions, and being nice is being nice to me! I can’t do that for anyone else, nor does any spiritual law I believe in compel me to.

Edit: I just want to state that if children are involved and they are possibly in danger, the authorities must be called. I have done this myself. _{more than once, too!}

Edit II: Also call the authorities if the jerk abuses her pets and other animals.

Edit III: Call the cops if the neighbor is beating up the wife, even if it’s the 100th time. _{oh boy have I done this too.}

Just don’t let them know you’re the one who called, to stay out of danger!!! But do call if necessary!!!

But in my personal life with these women today, I walk away. It’s quite a challenge to define the boundaries sometimes.

So this study group I used to frequent before school knocked everything else to the side, had about 30 people who would flow in and out. It was a group about metaphysical studies, and covered a lot of topics. It also attracted all sorts of people, some rather odd. It was run by a man who was well-balanced and intelligent, so he would keep things going well.

One day, a new man showed up. Doug (as I’ll call him), was in his 50s, rather unkept, and wasn’t even interested in the topics, but just wanted to hang. That was the first thing that got my spidey sense tingling: why take out time every week to go to something that you’re not interested in? He also would say he works for a government agency that is rather secretive: second spidey tingle.

And well, he was just kind of creepy: he would occasionally dress in shorts that left little to the imagination. One day the leader of the group asked him to change the damn shorts, nobody wanted to see this stuff. In retrospect, we should have kicked him out. But, I get ahead of myself.

Now I figured he was probably lonely and looking for a girlfriend or something. I was right, sorta. There are plenty of 50ish women who maybe are somewhat frumpy and would be a good match for him (if he was normal and such). But no, he starts going after the women much younger and attractive. One was a friend of mine, who wouldn’t believe that someone that much older would ask her out, so she gave him her number. I was like “oh no you didn’t, he’s going to bug you and ask you out” and she said he wouldn’t. But of course he did, and she had a hard time getting away from his phone calls.

Well this guy kept creeping me out. Something I’m lucky in is that I was considered rather attractive in my younger days, so I got really used to all kinds of guys hitting on me, and also the fact that there are all kinds of guys out there, most nice, some not at all nice. So I got lots of experience in saying NO WAY. I learned not to be a nice girl, and that’s hard, cause women are taught to be nice. So I was always really mean to Doug, I just didn’t want his attention in any way, shape or form. I knew he didn’t belong there, so I ignored him when I wasn’t outright mean.

Interestedly, the men in the study group disliked him too. But many women were pleasant, thinking that’s what they were supposed to be, and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. He knew how to walk just barely on the right side of the line, so to speak, and women felt sorry for the lonely sad creep guy.

Many of these women came to regret that a couple of years later when the FBI came knocking on their doors. Apparently Doug used his government computer to stalk them, and had all sorts of information on them, their families, everything personal to them. I was about the only one he didn’t do this to. He went to prison for this, but not before depositions, and a trial where they had to testify right in front on him. He only got a few years, so he’ll be out, and he knows everything about them. One of the agents said he is very much like Ted Bundy, with the stuff they found out about him, he is fantasizing but not acting on it. Yet.

I just want to tell women they don’t have to be nice to creeps. Tell the guy to bug off, in words as well as actions. Ted Bundy would place a fake cast on his arm and ask women to help him unload a small piece of furniture from his van, and when someone would get into the van, well, that was it. I wonder how many women heard their spidey sense, and say no they weren’t helping, and how many heard it, thought they should be nice women anyway, and got in that van.

So I’ll say the same thing that I said to my friend when she gave him her number: “Don’t! You don’t have to be nice if you feel afraid, don’t like someone! Trust your gut and get away!” I say it when I need to: “Oh sorry, I don’t give my number out to men.” That’s it.

Now I know most men are not like this, many are just wonderful (I married one). Most of guys here at 43things are great, Tarrador, John Lee, Todd Schoonover immediately leap to my mind, and there are many others.

But I did not heed my own advice when it came to RONF. I guess because this was a new forum, and not face to face, maybe threw me. Honestly, his name should have been a huge clue, really revenge of nude freedom? Why? Why put that out here? My spidey sense tingled a little, but, I ignored it.

So I was nice to him, and he would start the little weird emails, wanting more and more personal stuff. Then I noticed that he didn’t get along with people here I respect, and that was a clue too. I read he posted some pictures that were nowhere near good taste, and I was almost to the end of my rope with him. Then he got really disrespecting of boundaries on someone I care about here, and when I came to her defense, he became a total jerk. Then he tried to weasel his way back in private PMs. I told him he was a jerk and then we blocked each other.

Now I see his accounts deleted and apparently he creates new ones for cyber-stalking and such. I guess he also uses other social media like Facebook. What. A. Creep.

So I’m learning more and more to trust my spidey sense and to know I don’t have to always be nice. Sometimes I’ll see a guy here with a weird user name and I will not even go near him. I will read postings or goals, and if they make me even a little uncomfortable, I don’t cheer the dude at all. I don’t want to come to his attention. I pay attention to who other people I trust here have problems with and don’t go there. Because I can trust what other people I trust think, and say too.

and mostly country music. They were about women who were getting revenge on their cheating men by destroying his truck, home, etc.

Now that seems like such a stupid idea to promote, all I could think of was felony charges, destroyed futures for young women. How many people see this sort of behavior and think oh good idea.

Another video showed a woman waiting for her man to come home from jail for beating her up so she could shoot him, for crying out loud. I actually knew a gal who did this and she got 25 years in jail. The jury didn’t care he beat her up, she was in a situation where she could have easily left, but chose to stay and get revenge, sitting with the gun. She shot him in the back as he was walking to the bathroom.

I thought what strange things to be showing women to do. How about getting away from the guy and consider it good riddance, go to school and get a decent job, and best yet, learn to make such good choices that she can get a guy who is nice, doesn’t hit, cheat, etc. Now that would be an awesome revenge over the jerk.

But I guess that would be boring. Boy I love being boring!

at school today (we share the campus with a high school), there was a lock down for a while and it wasn’t explained. We just heard an announcement on the loud speaker and then the principal came by briefly. This was worrisome, as he didn’t say anything, and there has been a lot of school violence in our area recently.

At lunch, everything seemed clear, but there were still cops everywhere. I made the mistake of approaching a group of them, and asking politely what happened. One started saying they were having a meeting, they just do this all the time. Very sarcastically, and the little group joined in.

Now I’m obviously a student there in uniform, I’m politely asking a question about the security of the school, and this is how they act? What jerks.

Then I realize oh that’s right they are cops and just can’t be decent, and my mistake was thinking they would be. So I just said “oh I understand’ and walked away.

I understood, all right. They are bullies, who forgot they are there to protect and serve, not to mock and belittle. It turned out there was a student protest amongst the high schoolers, and they shut down class and congregated in the open area, and the cops were called. It would have taken them 3 seconds to tell me that.

Note to self: avoid cops at all costs.

on completely trumped up and unwarranted charges. I was then taken to the police station with two male officers in the car with me. The entire ride they mocked me, threatened me with violence and even more charges. I really thought they were going to physically attack me the entire time. The names they called me and the things they said to me were so vicious. They told me I was a stupid, worthless b@tch and deserved every bad thing that happen to me, amongst other tidbits. Even tho it was a time of my life I was still drinking, I was stone cold sober when this happened. But who would believe me? Who would believe me story again the cops? Nobody did except for my attorney. He had dealt with these cops before. He saw my nonexistent police record.

My attorney said it was the most outrageous case he had ever seen. He took it at a reduced rate. He worked out a plea deal (I didn’t want to fight, it was a part of my life I was beat down anyway)and took it to court. The judge threw out the plea deal, and charged me a huge sum, saying I was obviously a criminal in the making. This was my first, and only trouble with the law, ever. The attorney paid the fee for me, he was so outraged. Outraged that these cops did this, and the judge worked with them. He said he had never seen anything like it. Nobody else believed me, they all said I must have done something wrong. I didn’t. I had been in a fight with my ex boyfriend, I had just found out he cheated, and I was yelling and crying. We were at his place of business, after hours. When the police arrived, I was still crying, but I was walking away and was twenty feet away from everyone and crying. I was no threat to anyone. I was crying, that’s it. I got arrested for crying. I was not the one who cheated. (Oh yeah, that was part of their abuse: “You are a piece of @@, he deserved to cheat on you.”

I just read an article in the local paper exposing this small police department for unjust arrests, brutal beatings, and officers isolating people in the police car to brutalize them. How they will just show up and arrest people for nothing. I read case after case of these cops doing to other people the same thing that had happened to me. They focused on women and minorities. How these cops lie, and harm people, have done it for years, and are never held accountable. I was lucky, I didn’t end up in the hospital like many of the people (and ironically the cops never have a scratch on them, tho they claim they were attacked by these people). But I knew they were looking for any reason to hit me. They drove around with me alone with them in that car, handcuffed, and took their sweet time, while provoking me. (There was like a soft sweet voice saying to me: “Don’t say anything, girl to these men. Not a single word. They want to harm you.” I stayed quiet, except for yes and no answers.) I was right, it turns out, they did want to find a reason to harm me more. And this arrest still follows me around, and almost kept me out of school. I will have to explain it once again when I apply for my license, and for every single nursing job I ever apply to. I did nothing wrong, and will pay forever.

I know how it must look with the stuff I have reported about school, and how it seems like I’m targeted. But sometimes things like this do happen. I feel so damn validated upon reading this article.

Sometimes people really do target someone else. Like these teachers have done with me. I’ll write more about that later, but now I am just tired.

It’s been long, straight, fine, thick, and about ten inches below my shoulders…

forever. It is not going to grow any longer than that, no matter how I much I want it too. I feel this look dates me, and it’s blah. I’m going to be a nurse soon, a professional, and I want a look that compliments my new life. It’s also medium brown (thankfully no gray yet) and I want to come up with some money for the blond highlights I love. I’d like to see the blond with the shorter hair.

But because it’s all I know, I’m nervous. I want to cut it right above my shoulders, and I’ve found a style I like, that I think will go with my hair characteristics and my square face shape. So I am going to go for it, soon.

But not right now. I’m posting this to talk myself into it.

A series of things have happened recently that really make me examine my ego and my motivation. Two friends and myself started the same goal, actually they started first in the same spiritual group, or coven. Time, and circumstances, led us to go to different covens. It is a series of degrees in Wicca, dedicant to third degree. My two friends, are now second and third degree.

I am, despite so much effort, and having started this endeavor first, still first degree, with no end in sight. I honestly feel like a failure, because I have worked hard, stayed true to myself, yet it seems never ending. I speak to my friends and feel so less than, not so much because of what they say and do, but because I am still first degree. They have gone on to other things, yet I am still here, in the never ending holding pattern. I feel like the kid with the dunce hat.

Hubby Je, also stuck at first degree with me, has decided to leave the coven and the tradition. I don’t know what to do. I still try to talk things out. He is looking into a spiritual path I don’t really feel a strong pull towards, but I want to do our thing spiritually together.

I just don’t know. Is it ego or spiritual calling?