Post Random Ramblings

In AA meetings about this time, Thanksgiving, November, it’s Gratitude month. I’ve always liked this, it’s a nice dependable thing in this changing world. And it’s true. Gratitude for the goodness in my life.

Sobriety’s at the top of my list. I would not have any of the good things in my life (and probably my life itself) if I didn’t get sober back in December of 1994. The more time passes, the more I see it clearly. I see the ravages of people my age (and much younger too) who kept drinking. Many of them are unable to walk, or walk very far, for example. I love to walk and think of the miracle of it, my legs being strong and stable, heart pumping without problem, lungs breathing. So many little miracles make up this sober life.

I always start getting a little emotional this time of year, when my AA anniversary approaches. I’m tearing up even as I write this, and I am not one to cry much. We AAers call it PMS, for Pre Medallion Syndrome, in reference to the medallions we receive on our ‘date’. I just am in awe of the glory of it, really. All the work, faith, sweat, and darned perseverance I put into this thing, even when it just didn’t seem worth it, when so many reasons to drink or drug came up. It was a total transformation of the whiny, self-pitying, terrified little girl I was when I picked up my white chip. I’m glad I had no idea how much work, setbacks, and pain it would cause me to get to where I am today: I don’t know if I could have done this knowing that. Ignorance can be bliss.

So the steps of AA have showed me how to be the person I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how. Someone told me once that the worse thing about growing up in an abusive home is not the abuse. The worse thing is not being taught how to live. I agree. AA has given me the template to have a decent life. (It’s why I don’t blame my deceased parents for the abuse anymore: they weren’t given a template either.) I’m glad I can put a mirror in my face to see what I need to change, and that I can set boundaries today. That I can let decent people love me, and that I can love them back. That I don’t have to put any chemicals between me and Reality. That I have a relationship to a Higher Power. That I can be helpful to others.

So many things I am grateful for. What was a hereditary illness has turned out to be my greatest blessing.

“You are an extraordinary person. I am an extraordinary person. But the people who probably recognize these facts the least are, unfortunately, you and me. Give something else up, release some avoidance technique in your life, and use the space that appears in your life to get to know yourself. You won’t regret it—and it may be the most important change you ever make in your life.”
http://www.livinglifefully.com/

43 things is a safe, no spy-ware or malware site, according to both site checks now installed on my computer. One calls it ‘excellent’. How nice to know since I come check it out almost every day…

Hubby Je’s mother, as some who have been kind enough to read my past ramblings on 43 things, committed suicide last Good Friday with a bullet through the ol’ brainstem. She did her hair, makeup, and bought a new outfit to meet Jesus.

We went to see his father after her death, and he showed us a copy of the suicide note (it never even mentioned her only child, my dear hubby, just her Great Pain and Jesus), then bragged about how he bought her the gun, and they almost did a double suicide. He actually just kept telling us about the caliber and price of the gun like it was the most normal thing in the world, such a good killing gun (and I have a gun for protection, bought when I was single and stalked, but bullet/brainstem thoughts do not pass my mind).

So he keeps telling this tale, and how sad he is, but never, in his crazy-ass sociopathic way bothers to think/ask about how this is affecting their son. Never. Not once. Bastard

So we help him around that sick house, organizing things for his move out, with the bullet hole in the bathroom ceiling, and his myriad bottles of morphine and oxys in the other bathroom. He’s preaching Jesus the whole time, pissed at his pagan son and daughter-in-law cause we’re not Christian (and a mightly fine ad you are too, dude). And I am so happy we never visited MIL for a long time, cause she was angry too at the pagan part of the family, suicidal, with a loaded .356 Magnum. Murder-suicide, see the headlines. Lovely. WWJD, pull the trigger? Kill the witches once more? Hmmm.

So anyway, he took off in his van, to travel the country, and commit suicide himself, he claimed. Like all these conversations are the most normal thing in the world. Hint dude: down the morphine. He just sent us an email about how he spent three days in another city looking for a shotgun to “blow off the top of his head”. (In his previous discourse, he stated that a shotgun is the suicide weapon of choice.) But, alas, he couldn’t find one. Then God came and chit-chatted with him and told him to visit his religious wacko fundamentalist friends in Texas and to celebrate his New Holy Day. What day is that? The first birthday of Je’s mother is the New Holy Day. So he sent us an invitation to join him and the wacko fundamentalist friends, because birthdays are so important. Except…

Oh, Je’s birthday just went by without a call, email, etc. It’s just the birthdays where dead people are important, not his living son who has been through hell. It’s all about him, this self-centered POS. I am so amazed that Je is so kind, thoughtful, well-balanced coming from parents like his.

So I am so pissed because Je was finally lifting from his depression over this. It’s getting towards Samhain, we have ashes and things to put in the fire, and the veils will be thin. Then the stupid email, and another threat of suicide.

So we can’t commit him, it’s not enough to hold him (and this is who he is, there is no healthy person to medicate into reality). I’ve Baker Acted people before, so I know. He would just get out in a few days. And he’s, IMHO, more sociopathic than crazy (he’s been diagnosed sociopathic). And he’s got guns and weirdness and anger and not one shred of compassion towards his pagan son and me.

That’s a freakin’ scary combo.

I want this man out of our lives. I am so over his selfishness, and the threat of violence. We changed our phone numbers, moved to another unit in the building, and hopefully will move again as soon as Je gets a better job or I graduate from school (tho Je says he once hired a PI to find him).

So that’s It. Damn.

There is a very poisonus exotic snake that is loose in our neighborhood. It bit a cable installer and he almost died. It’s a green mamba snake and supposedly all are accounted for in this area, so it’s surmised someone had it illegally and let it go or it escaped. They haven’t found it, and they say the chances are slim of finding it.

Boa constrictors have completely invaded the Everglades, and have pretty much destroyed much of the wildlife. They are also from releaed pets, and now there are hundreds of thousands of them, many reaching 20 feet long. There is a bounty and people are going after them. Hopefully they aren’t going after the people.

Today I’m at the pet store and the lady that works there, whom I like and have a nice realtionship with, tells me that her 4 ft pet boa escaped, and she is worried that it will get her small dogs and birds. This is so awful to me, why own a ‘pet’ that is a killer? A toddler died recently here when a pet boa escaped, crawled into her crib (!) and killed her. So anyway, I just didn’t say anything but just told this lady I hope she finds the snake. Soon.

But, dammit, I’m thinking, why do people have to be so dumb?

and it blew away every other presentation, with loads of nice PowerPoints (thanks to hubby Je’s tips as well as my graphic artist friends). I smiled and explained things in an interesting way with enough details to enlighten but not enough minutiae to induce sleep. The other students who bother to talk to me said it was really good and not boring. The teacher said I taught her something and it was the only presentation that she did not have to fill in the gaps on.

The gal mentioned in the post below, her presentational was short, boring, and left out a couple of important sections, like, well, half of what she was supposed to talk about. She also gave it sitting down with her back to the audience. So I am now completely vindicated from her lies of me being lazy.

What I learned today: Revenge is a dish best served cheerfully with colorful graphics and fascinating facts!

I had to do a project with another woman in the class. I heard her bitterly complaining that she had to work with me, even before I even spoke to her for the first time. She didn’t even know me. She kept actively avoiding me when I would try to talk to her. She was dismissive, and kept loading more and more work on me during the brief time I could speak to her. Then she would become angry towards me, literally turn her back on me as I would try to talk to her. I tried four times to have a conversation with her, and she was awful and mean each time. She told me to put the paper together myself, I came home in tears Tuesday and Wednesday.

So I wrote up a timeline of her dismissive, rude behavior, and in private, showed it to the teacher this morning. I was terrrified of being kicked out of the class, or worse, being forced to work with her and her abuse. I was shocked when the teacher told me she put me together with her cause she knew there was something wrong with her, and I was one of the best, and most mature, students in the class. She wanted to see what would happen. And to just do my report and not worry about working with her.

What a relief! So I didn’t approach her and then at the end of class today (our last day) she comes up to me at the very end of class, and starts a big scene, telling the teacher I had been abusive to her, and that’s why she had to avoid and ignore me, to protect herself from me! Total made up crap. I asked how could I be abusive when she wouldn’t even talk to me, using her own reasoning against her She just starts yelling at me, making a big scene, screaming how awful and abusive I am. What a melodramatic liar. I had looked up narcissistic personality disorder and this woman had it nailed to a T.

So the teacher tells her to do another project, and she starts to cry she’s a single mom, blah, blah,blah. I honestly believe she thought that she would get me to do all the work, and now failing that, she would get out of having to do a project at all. No luck, and I’m sure she’ll whine to anyone who will listen. She’s young and pretty, and has her own following (she was so angry when she didn’t get a follower to work with). The teacher told me she still belives me and thinks the other gal is a liar. So that’s a relief.

So now I have two women who dislike me in the class, both with strong personalities. (the other is the “you stole my water” gal.) The other one has stepped up her bullying rudeness too. I found out the other woman (water stealer), cheats on all her tests. Apparently, most of the class cheats, and I’m considered Miss Goody Two-Shoes and doesn’t, another reason I’m disliked. I also have the best attendance. I keep my grades amongst the highest without cheating.

So the year is in the first term out of five, and this is going on. I have to be with these people all year. I keep telling myself that I’m not here to make friends, these people won’t matter one bit in my life in a year, and to just hang in there. But it’s hard when I have to deal with this, the ignoring, active bullying, on top of all the work and our personal life of being broke and so stressed out over money.

I suppose I had to lose my puppy enthusiasm over school, but this was rather brutal. Now I just keep telling myself how much I love nursing, I don’t have to like the people in the class. Principals over personalities.

Sometimes I want to cry. I am so lucky to have Je and my friends. I rate today and this week a 10 cause I never give up, no matter what, not because it was so wonderful.

On an interesting side note about bullying, in another community I am in that I was bullied, the woman who head it up is now being kicked out of the community, and her friends that sided with her are being thrown under the bus. I admit, a part of me is delighted, but honestly the majority of me just wishes that we all could have just got along in the first place.

There is a gal in my class that makes it pretty obvious that she doesn’t like me. Not sure why. She is smart, loud, overweight (and very insecure about it) and is a dominator. She got flowers for the the substitute teacher for the class, and when I told her what a nice thing that was, she replied that she hates that teacher but it was a way to get brownie points. I didn’t say anything, but that kind of fake scares me. I happened to grow fond of that eccentric elderly prof, so I was happy to throw in some money and sign the card. I write this for background as to what I’m going to write next.

So lately she won’t even say hello to me, and she has a friend who won’t even look at me, and will actually look down and ignore me if I try to say hello. So weird, and I’ve done nothing to warrant such behavior. So today we have a test first thing and “S” is giving her pointers and wisdom and she gets a fact wrong. I quietly say that the book says something else but perhaps I’m wrong (I know I’m right, I just studied it). She looks at me angry and once again, ignores me. Whatever. It’s weird cause people discuss and debate answers constantly, and getting corrected is encouraged. Heck, I’m wrong on a regular basis.

So this is where it really gets weird. I left my backpack and strolled over to the door to look out the window. The teacher shows up, I grab my backpack, and go in and take the test. When the test is over, S looks over and yells:

“You took my water! It’s in the pocket of your backpack!” I look and sure enough a bottle of water is there. Well surprise me. I got confused, maybe I picked it up by mistake, but then she starts huffing and puffing, way out of proportion to the event.

She grabs the water, storms out of the class with her minion close behind. I go to the cafeteria to get some coffee. When one first enters, you stand behind a wall. Well I could hear S going on about how I stole her water and making a big deal to anyone who could listen.

I had been thinking about it hard by that point, and I know: I didn’t take the water. The chain of events in my mind convinced me. I went over it in my mind, and that woman placed her water in the bottle holder and acted like I took it.

What convinced me of that, besides my memory? Her overreaction to it. If it was me, I would have laughed if someone did that, make a joke about tired and Monday mornings, and just got the bottle back. No biggie.

But this was her way of getting me back for not letting her be perfect with the answers, for not being overweight like her, and whatever crazy stuff goes on in her mind that makes her think of me, and some other women as The Enemy. Revenge is good for her, I guess, and trying to make me look bad is part of that.

So I thought about the lines in the poem:

“Your loving alertness is a lantern.
Keep it protected from wind
that makes it crazy.”

And I just decided not to say anything else, just to know in my loving alertness to stay away from her, to always have my backpack with me, and to not give her any openings to the best of my ability. I am using my magic to shield her away from me. I have dealt with girls/women like her since grade school. I know the more I’m polite, and decent, and distant, the crazier she’ll look. It’s just sad that some women have to do this to other women they consider a threat.

This arrived in today’s Brat Factor email:

Today I choose to be joyful! What about you?

New Blossoms

Sit near someone who has had the experience.
Sit under a tree with new blossoms.
Walking the section of the market
Where chemists sell essences,
You will receive conflicting advice.

Go toward kindness.
If you are not sure where that is,
You will be drawn in by fakes.

They will take your money and sit you down
On their doorstep saying, I’ll be right back.
But have another door they leave by.

Do not dip your cup in a pot
just because it has reached the simmering point.

Not every reed is sugarcane.
Not every under has an over.

Not every eye can see.
Or it may be you cannot thread the needle
because it already has thread in it.

Your loving alertness is a lantern.
Keep it protected from wind
that makes it crazy.

Instead of that airy commotion
Live in the water that gently cools
as it flows. Be a helpful friend,
And you will become a green tree
With always new fruit,
always deeper journeys into love.