take more risks

So, here I am again. Swooning over yet another girl, who, more than likely, has no idea how I feel, who I am, or anything like that. Its fun, huh? I seem to do this A LOT! BUT! (and notice its a big BUT there) I did something, slightly different. I actually asked her out. (I know, I was shocked too) Now before you get on the bandwagon of cheers and comments, let me disillusion you a bit. I met this girl, just over a year ago. I know because I remember the exact date. I remember the exact date because it was February 29th 2008. A day that happens only once every 4 years. (Sound like my love life, once every 4 years) {hell my sex life too ;) } I think I’ve written entries about her before. The girl called A. Well, here is how the whole thing went down. I have this crappy ass job at a game store in the local mall. Yippee for me. I went to the food court to get a drink, and on my way back, there was A. She, her mother, and her sister were looking at jewelry. (Actually it seemed like her mother and sister were looking at jewelry, she just looked… lol good.) Now, we aren’t really buddy buddy, A and I. In fact I’ve mostly seen here where she worked, cause thats the only place I knew to see her. Well long story short, we became facebook friends, texted a little music knowledge back and forth, and that was about the it. Until Sunday. Thats when I saw her. So, now you have the general backstory. She and I chatted for only a moment and I walked away. I’m a little fuzzy on who ended the conversation, cause I didn’t want to keep her from her mom and sis, so I probably looked like I wanted to go, but I think she is the one who said “see ya” first. Anyway. Before that moment, I hadn’t seen or heard from her for weeks if not months. (I’d love to say I hadn’t thought about her in that long, but you all know how maddeningly pathetic I can be) So walking back to work, I was… i guess the word is “giddy.” I saw her and I remembered all the reason I fell for her in the first place. (I could list them, but I’m infatuated, it’d be a long list, it’d be annoying, so I won’t) I get back to work, and the girl I’m working with (there are only 2 of us in the store) noticed I’m acting differently then before. So I tell her, basically what I just wrote. And her general attitude is “Shoulda asked her out, what have you got to lose?” I come home from work, and I’m dying to talk to someone about this. (But sad as my life is, I have no one to call, no one to text, no one) I get on digsby (my IMing service) and desperately look for someone to talk to. I get to talk to two people about it. 1 is my gay friend R in NYC, who is a giant drama queen, and I’m beginning to think a pathological liar. He suggests messaging her through facebook or something asking her too meet. Well the my friend C signs on. I value her opinion much more. (and not just because shes NOT a lying homo) Though, she tends to get frustrated with me. (but really, who can blame her) Her general thought is “JUST SEND THE FUCKING MESSAGE!” So I do. I wanted to agonize over it more though, analyze each word, think how better to phrase it, but ultimately, I listened to that little voice screaming through the screen and just send the fucking message. It was no grand confession of long harbored love. Nope, it was just a “Hey, it was good to see ya. I’d like to talk more. You want to get together? Heres my #.” And I’m satisfied with that. That works. (works in the sense of the message is clear, not in the sense of she sent a reply and wants to have lots of sex and babies) But really, in all honesty, I would much rather have told her what I really think. But I KNOW that without some sort of background of friendship it would sound… well… probably pretty scary. What I would want to say is this. “A, I like you. I’ve liked you from the first moment we met. Even from that first meeting I told my friends about you. I told them how I thought that you were the type of person that once you met them, you couldn’t imagine your life without them. You want to be around that person. And thats how I feel around you A. I feel like my life would be better just by being around you. I’m not saying we should marry, have kids, and love happily ever after. Romances fade. But friendships, those can last lifetimes. So as much as I do care for you, I want your friendship above all else.” ... or… ya know… something like that. But anyway, the point is… even though it was through facebook… I asked out the girl I like. And ya know what (I’m mostly talking to myself on this one) it didn’t kill me, and its not like she can talk to me less. lol, We’ll just see what happens.

(This entry is going to sound kinda pissed. Mostly because I had written several hundred words and fucking firefox decided to crash)

I haven’t been very active on 43things. I haven’t been actively pursuing… most, of my goals. I’m still in school working on my degree. Still getting in shape. Saving money. Getting the FUCK out of here. But I have definitely NOT been taking any risks. Particularly in the realm of love and affection. Which, if you know me, should come as no surprise. I have the romantic IQ of dryer lint. Or maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe I am a romantic Einstein in a world where romance is, if not dying, in a deep coma. I can think romantically as hell. But is there any place for the things I think? Not really? They seem too over-the-top and out there. So what do I do instead? Well nothing more than nothing. And when opportunity knocks, I have my headphones on. (like now. But in my defense I’m listening to That Beep by Architecture in Helsinki so its really kick ass music.) I can’t really say its for lack of options anymore. That used to be my number one excuse. There are no good girls around. I can think of 4 girls right now without even trying that hard that I could totally go for. Do I? Hellz no. And whats my excuse. My number 1 spoken excuse is that I’m two busy. Which is kinda true. I am taking 18 credit hours this semester, probably 17-20 next, and I work 20 – 40 hours at a videogame store in the local mall. If you pepper in sleeping, eating, and time for homework, I’m not left with many workable hours for socialization. (this is what I tell myself all the time, I can do damn near anything I want. I could make time if I really wanted to) My number 1 reason that I tell nearly no one who has actual contact with me outside of the online world, is that I just don’t think I am good looking enough to be with the girls I find attractive. (STOP! Do not go ‘awww’ or ‘that’s not true’ or ‘don’t think like that.’ I’ve heard it all before, and I still think like that. I am not as attractive as I can be, and I know me. I would probably be demanding as hell, particularly if any of them had potential to be a permanent addition to my life. How can I ask more of them than I am giving myself. I can’t.) I want more from myself than I am getting. Maybe I am asking too much, maybe I can’t live up to my own expectations, but maybe I can. Maybe I can be all I want me to be, physically, mentally, emotionally. And if I get the me I want, can you imagine? I can certainly imagine. I imagine a life better than what I have. Now, my life isn’t bad, and maybe I’m a bad person for wanting more. But like I was telling someone the other night, “I suck at this humanity thing.” I was told that I can get this smug superiority sometimes. lol. And, I think it was the fact it was coming from who it was coming from that it gave me a moment of pause. But then I am sitting here now thinking “ya know, I’m okay with that.” I am a contradiction. I am both ends of the extremes in so many things, and that is just another to add to the list. Conceited ass (paraphrasing) and full of insecurities. Depending on my mood and who you are to me: greatest friend you’ll ever have and all around nice guy or the worst nightmare in the dark you’re too afraid to see. (there I go being all smug again. lol) Basically, I know that I have the capacity to be two opposite things at once. I’ve come to accept my duality with a grin. I think I lost the plot a bit. The 2:30 AM is getting to me. Oh yeah, romance stuff, not being attractive. All that jazz. I dunno. I console myself by telling myself that I don’t need a relationship. A lie? Maybe. But if it is, I’m starting to believe it. I’m starting to feel like I can’t feel. I’m beginning to think that little switch in the brain/heart/whatever that is supposed to let you fall for someone, is broken. Again, the AM is getting to me so this is going to get more and more rambly. Ok, back to the issue. Romance. Basically, I’m chickenshit. Now that’s not what I tell myself. Like this one girl recently. We’ll call her F. F and I met only about 6 weeks ago. We became relatively fast friends. And I fell for her rather quickly. Though, I think it was my wanting to “fix” her that attracted me more than my actually falling for her. Before she and I met, she and her b/f of about 1 year had just broken up. Reason. Well, they had gotten pregnant and he didn’t want her to keep it. Her mom didn’t want her to keep it either. She did. But with no support, she felt she didn’t really have a choice. Lets see, she is also too skinny. Like that border between what fashion and Hollywood peddles as attractive and unhealthy. (though is there really a border there?) Basically she is a very thin girl, but she is a very attractive girl, and shes fun and outgoing, and unique. Shes’s F. lol. She has guys wanting to jump her bones. One in particular, will call him dickbag, was just a fucking ass to her. Calling her a bitch putting her down and shit, and she put up with it. (her mistake there) Anyway, I think my protector instincts kicked in and I just wanted to make her happy and keep her safe, and not just be another guy who wanted to jump her bones. (Not saying I wouldn’t, just saying I wanted to be better than the average dickbag) So instead of trying to be more to her, I made myself to be her boy (note the massive space here) friend. I wanted to be a guy that she could trust. That way she would be guaranteed to have at least the one. (was there a point?) Basically, that is the kind of stuff I do. I try to be better, maybe like morally better, than every other man out there to these girls I like. Though I’m starting to see where such behavior leads. I am at like day 875 of my celibacy streak. lol. Nice guys don’t finish last. They’re so sex starved you can be sure they’re going to finish first. (bad joke I know. lol) Jumping bones, sex, fucking, whatever name you want to give it… I’m getting to the point where I don’t give a shit. Its not that damn important. Yes. Let it be known there is a penis possessing person out there who said sex is not important to him. Maybe I’m lying to myself, maybe it is and I just don’t know. But, in my mind, right now, I just want… kiss. Every way every how, kiss. That would be my ultimate right now. I don’t give a fuck if you want to fuck or not, just kiss me dammit. lol. Although, someone to fight with would be fun too. I like fighting. Not like who forgot to do the dishes fighting, like here is my foot, its going up your ass fighting. I know I know, I’m still blaming it on the AM affecting my brain. Let me try to make it make sense. Okay, this should be easy. Watch Mr. And Mrs. Smith with Brad and Angelina. The scene when they fight hand to hand in their house. Kinda like that, but think a little more toward elegant Kung Fu. Like more of the strikes being caught, blocked, or deflected. Rather than bloodying each other up. I dunno. What the hell am I writing about? Oh yeah. Fuck you’d think I was drunk writing this. I need to take more risks. That’s it. Those six words sums up this whole LONG ass rant.

Holy crap! I have so much to tell you and no idea where to start. As per usual, I am totally enamored with a girl. Now, because of my absence this is going be kind of hard to follow, but I will make every effort to give you all the appropriate information. I am smitten, once again. (surprise surprise) Ok, here is the aforementioned background information. February 28th of this year me and several of my friends went to a local bowling alley. Every Thursday in February my university sponsored free bowling for its students. There were about 10 of us on one lane so it took us quite a while to get through a single game. After we finished our first and only game, I decided I was hungry and asked if everyone wanted to go to BW3’s to get some late dinner. It was about 11pm. A few trodded off home, but seven of us decided to go eat. And that is when I first met… A . She started out like your typical stupendous waitress. She was funny, friendly, charming. But as the night wore on she became more than that. She went beyond friendly and dipped into friend. She sat down with us and hung out and talked and shared stories. One of which was her horrible luck with pens. She only had one left because people kept stealing her pens. And she would love us if we didn’t steal her last pen. By the end of the night, I knew that she had got to me. About three weeks later me and a few from the same crowd returned to BW3’s again, and again A was our waitress. If I wasn’t sure before this night, I was CERTAIN after it. She is incredible! She is beautiful, sweet, funny, intelligent, independent,unique, and more wonderful things than I can conjure words for. I have become so enthralled by her that I returned week after week, every Thursday, just to see her. Two Thursdays ago, my brother and I went there to eat dinner. We sat down without thinking about where, and unfortunately, we were not in A’s section. My brother and I ate our food fairly quickly and were about to exit when she saw me. She came over and said “I thought that was you.” We had a brief exchange in which I said “If I had known you were here we would have sat in your section.” She then teased me about not being her friend and not speaking to her again. I told her that next time I came I would bring her a gift to apologize. The next week I came back with several of my friends, and her gift. She was THE ONLY waitress working that night and she was obviously frazzled. She took a few moments to sit with us and talk to us about her night, which included a woman calling her a hateful bitch, and a man calling her a slut. She then took our drink orders, and was off to get our drinks. When she came back, I said something like “I’m sad you’re having a bad night. I hope this cheers you up. I pull from my jacket pocket a dozen pens wrapped up bouquet style. To which she puts her hands to her mouth to hide her dropped jaw. “Awwww! Thank you so much! That is so sweet! You just made my night!” And then she said… I’m kidding thats what she said. She then gave me this big hug and said “Thank you thank you. I feel so much better now.” Trying to play off my elation that she was hugging me I said “its not problem, its my pleasure.” That was supposed to be the night I asked her for her phone number or to go out. My friends kept trying to push me to ask her out. “You can do it. Just go for it.” But alas, my mind took over and over thought the entire situation My friends left a little early and I stuck around to pick up a to go order for one of the usual crowd who couldn’t make it. (I know I know, perfect opportunity) But alas I chickened out. And walked home, alone. ^tear (lol) As I was walking back across campus to my dorm room I heard this strange music. I walked more and more and the music got louder and louder. It was bagpipes! Some random person was in the, what I guess you would call the quad, and he was just wailing away on the bagpipes. Now don’t get me wrong, my family way back were Scots-Irish so I can appreciate me some bagpipe music. But no matter how you play those things they have a melancholy sort of sound. So as I was walking and thinking about my massive failure, I thought “Well this is hauntingly appropriate. The Soundtrack of my life is BAGPIPES! lol” So me, being rather emotionless most of the time, wanted to enjoy my nice black mood, and sunk into it quite comfortably for the rest of the night. Fast forward to tonight, Tuesday. My friends are pressuring me to go to this Casino Night event that our school is having. Not only do they want me to come, they want me to invite A to come with us. So, we head to BW3’s. And once again, the glorious A was our waitress. My friends keep giving me “words of encouragement” to help bolster my confidence, yet they mostly served to further my anxiety. I sat there the entire night just bathing in beauty. I had put off for so long what I was about to do, but I thought I should just go for it. Near the end of the night, she said “Why aren’t we facebook friends? How am I supposed to get in contact with you guys?” Which prompted me to give her my telephone number. She then said “I’m probably quitting, and I had to have some way to tell my peeps.” lol. After giving her my number I then invited her to come with us to the Casino Night, to which she said “Maybe.” She said she may have to work and she would let us know. So, I put this question before the 43things community. She made a big to do about her working on thursday also, like she wanted us to come back. If she hasn’t called me by Thursday, should I A: Give up and move on? or B: Do as my friend Heather suggested and tell her how much I look forward to seeing her everytime I come there, How much she brightens my life, and that I want to see her outside of her workplace and get to know her better. What do you think?

I feel free and connected. This may just be a normal stoner reaction to my addiction of choice, music. Its nearly 4AM I have a paper I still need to write for my English class tomorrow, and I feel so incredible. You can call me a new agey freak, or just a hippy who missed the 60’s, but I’m sending you all this feeling right now. I’m reaching out to the entire world in whatever cosmic way I can and giving you my experience, my senses, my thoughts. lol, for those of you who know what I am talking about, this feeling is oddly similar to the one that inspired me to write the entry “Love Hurts.” And I do still stand by that. Love can hurt so much. But right now, and I can only describe this feeling as love, or at least as being in love… right now, love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t hurt one little bit. It is the most blissful, joyful, overwhelming, beyond orgasmic feeling that one could hope to feel. As insane as it is to even think this for a second, I am just imagining that everyone in the world is somehow receiving what I’m sending, knowing who I am, appreciating it, and sending it right back. (Hey, I never once claimed to be sane) Hell I’m sitting naked, wrapped in a blanket, music blasting through my ipod, typing on Juliet about a feeling that could very well fade in a few hours and not return for months or years. I suppose I have just been thinking a lot lately. Alot about my time in NYC, about my friends that I haven’t seen in years, about the friends I have pushed away that I could reunite with. Just… lol.. everything. And you know what… as much as I like to bitch about it, and as much as I would like to think I have sufferred… I have a great life. And you know what, you do to. I don’t care how much you think you’ve been hurt, I don’t give a shit if you think you’re the lowest of the low. The truth is… YOU’RE ALIVE! And thats pretty damn good. And it doesn’t matter if you realize it right now, or ever, just know that someone’s life is enriched by your very existance. And if you think thats a load of bullshit. I can tell you this, my life was, is, and will be again enriched by your very existance. Be it through my own dellusions of being connected to you, or just the mystery in knowing that there are people out there that I don’t know, but most definately by this moment right now. If you’re reading this, it validates my own existance in some way. Cheers, comments, subscribers, all that 43things crap doesn’t matter, the simple fact that I have written and you are reading, connects us. And to me, thats just pretty damn cool.

I must destroy one of my college professors. In reality she is merely a Graduate Assistant, but nonetheless she must be… shown her place. X is my CMM103 professor, (speech class) and I thought her to be a partially intelligent person. However, her grading of my Introductory Speech proves overwise. There were 10 categories in which we were graded on a scale of 0-2. 0=unsatisfactory 1=satisfactory 2=excellent I scored excellent in 6 of the 10 and satisfactory in the remaining 4. Which should equate to a score of 16/20. Not perfection but not failing, until we get to her deducting 10 points for “not following instructions.” Here is where I disagree. True, I didn’t follow her instructions to the letter, I instead chose to make this assignment my own, be creative, and use my imagination and intellect to create a unique rhetorical experience for myself and my classmates. For this I was punished by the removal of half my grade. The assignment was an introductory speech, but we had to choose one of the 3 options loctated within our workbook (conviently written by the department chair, clever little money making scheme) they were as follows; A: Bring an object from home and give 2-3 points on how this object reflects your values, beliefs, and personality B: Tell about you favorite movie, poem, song, tv show, book, etc., etc., and do the same C: the person you most admire and do the same. Instead of following these dreadfully boring directions I chose to just get up there and give an introductory speech, meaning I talked about myself. I stood in front of the class and gave them a moderately intimate look into who I am. For that courage and innovation I am penalized. My professors point of view is that I failed to fulfill the assignment goals by ignoring the options. My point of view is that I fulfilled the assignment goals in spite of dull and trite options. On my peer reviews the most negative comment I received was “very confident, but almost too confident.” All others were raves about the entertainment value of my speech and that I knew what I wanted to say.

So, now we come to the destorying of an individual. I have no desire to harm her physically, rather I wish to crush her confidence, shatter her spirit, and demoralize her to the very core. I am going to speak to her tomorrow about my grade and explain to her why it is incorrect. I will be using the Marshall University Catalogue as my weapon of choice. Since it often speaks in its mission statements of creativity, individuality, and the celebration of diversity. I will bring her to her knees. Metaphorically speaking of course. (Shes not exactly my cup of tea in other regards) Should she choose to persist in her decision then I shall be forced to seek retribution from above, speaking to her superior, and if need be their superior. I know it seems to be much trouble to go through for 10 measly points, but it is the principle of the matter. Besides, what if 10 points would make or break my A awaiting me at the end of the semester.

Ok ok. I didn’t call. I should have, but it just seemed too weird. I talked to this girl I work with and gave her the breakdown of the situation with K. She advised me to not call, she suggested that I send a text instead. So at about 7:30 I wrote a message that said, “Hey K. I haven’t talked to you for a few days. I wanted to see how you were doing. I hope you didn’t get too much dirt on me from churchfolk. Later babe.” (She goes to church where I used to and therefore knows some people who used to know me) It is now 1:30 and still no reply. Although I suppose I deserve as much. In spite of whatever tone I think she took with me she did make the last call. She made to previous gesture and then I vanished. For four days I didn’t call or write. Who am I to expect her to get back to me immediately? Anyway. I’m looking for opinions from you my lovely subscribers. Have I blown it or should I keep trying?

It has been nearly 60 hours since I last spoke to K. Sixty hours with no contact of any kind actually. But I’ve decided something. I am going to risk one last rejection and call her again. Obviously I am still thinking about her, so to be honest with myself I must admit I am still interested in her. So, I will call her today between jobs. If she doesn’t answer, no messge will be left and no heart broken. She will be allowed to pass into the pleasant memories I keep. A testament to my willingness to try.

The Plan: Tomorrow is Sci-fi friday. I will once again order pizza. Once again from Giovanni’s. At the same time as last week. I will pick it up. NOW! Heres where all of you come in. Do I? Go inside the reseraunt a few min early so I can make sure she sees me again or just drive through? Do I? Order the exact same thing under the same name just in case she remembers or just get whatever the hell I want? Do I? Say anything to her if I do go in and she’s not the one who waits on me, like “I was hoping I’d get to see you again.”? Testing to see if she remembers me or even cares who I am. Do I? Give her my number or ask for hers? Do I? What do I do? I like to run scenarios. Strategize and try to figure out how I can react to all the variables to get the outcome I most desire. I’m asking for you all to help with that. Help me with my plan.

I should have said something more. I have this tradition that every friday I go and watch Sci Fi Friday with her. (Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis, And Gallactica when its on) I’ve been trying to give up pizza. This friday was the 200th SG-1 episode so I figured “fuck it” and ordered pizza from this place called Giovanni’s. I used the drive through window and this beautiful girl come to it andasks me about my order. I instantly look at her and thinks shes pretty but I’m always playing it cool so I never let on that I think that. (not yet at least this time) Whenever I go through drive throughs I like to make solid eye contact and give a beautiful smile (cause I have a great one) whenever possible. So thats what i do here. She tells me the total and i give her my cash and smile with good eye contact. I put the pizza down and turn back around to get my change. Another smile with eye contact and the usual customer vendor goodbye of thank yous then she closes the window. I am getting ready to pull away making sure everything is in its place, put my hand on the wheel to go and she opens the window again and says “Have a good night.” Now i know its not “Romeo, Romeo where fore art thou Romeo?” but come on, shes closed the window and then RE-opens it to wish me a good night. Am I wrong to feel special about that. Am I wrong to think I should have given or gotten a number. I’m not so savy when it comes to “first moves.” Sometimes I read gestures of politness to be hints of interest. I can’t help feeling I should have turned the car around gone back and asked her for her number, or at least her name. Has anyone ever said I wish I had taken less risks.