practice active listening

I think one need to do this as an ongoing active project with another person involved in order to have them check you and help you get better.

This is going to be a holiday goal!

I was thinking about deep listening, what exactly that means, and how I can do this. It’s like one step beyond active listening. I have had a hard time active listening. It’s the paraphrasing and questioning. But asking questions is the new challenge for me, and I’m going to make a goal of it.

Then, for deep listening, it’s making myself calm and available and time-taking. I will have to do this in a few friendships and relationships to learn how. Or maybe not; I could start with strangers; no expectations or assumptions to live up to or live down—it could be a new beginning to a new me (gushy breathless!).

Every day, paraphrase someone.

I thought that I should try broaching a subject with someone to really test this out. I have had a problem broaching the past, met with rebuffs, which is what we are all scared of – rejection.

But then I thought of a better idea.

I would like to go to some social engagement, where I can then tell people I have a vow of silence, that I can only break it to paraphrase or reiterate what I heard to make sure I heard it correctly, and/or ask a question to elicit more information/conversation. I would tell them that I’d be only a bit less talkative than usual (true), but the quality of my conversation would be different. Perhaps dramatically. Have to test it out.

In your very next converation, use two active listening tools: restatement and paraphrasing. Both of these tools inmvolve checking in with the person who is talking to find out whether you’re hearing what he or she is saying.

• Restating: Repeat, word-for-word, a short statement that the other person has just made to you. Even if the next speaker is a flight attendant offering drinks, you can say, “Okay, so my choices are…” and rattle off the list. It’s harder than you think. But it’s a good start to raising your own awareness level about listening. You won’t use this technique all the time or in every circumstance, but it’s a good place to start.

• Paraphrasing: Recount, in your words, the longer statements that the other person has said to you. You can use this technicque far more often than the first. Don’t be embarrassed if you get it wrong a lot when you first start paraphrasing back. This is a good technique to use when someone is making a dense presentation and you want to be sure that you understand it, every step of the way.

In either case, introduce your efforts with respect and good humour. Try starting it with the phrase, “Let me see if I got that right…”

I just got this book and I’ve started reading it. Many reasons. And one of the tenets is being a really good listener.