talk to people i want to talk to

this just isn’t in my control.

So then what?

I have been doing a lot better at this, and of course, it never turns out badly. Okay, sometimes it’s really awkward, but surely nothing irreparable. For instance, I interviewed a band last week, and it ended up being really awkward and shaky, you know? But the last I heard from them, they don’t hate me or anything, which is always a good sign, haha.

I also got a job by doing the talking I might have otherwise feared.

And I talked to an attractive young male today, which certainly wasn’t as horrifying as I thought, haha.
Now, the horrifying part might be talking to him again.
But we’ll see.

I’m getting so much better. Maybe I’ll keep track of each person who I really want to talk to and actually do talk to. Does that make sense? It sounds kind of creepy; I’m not gonna lie. I don’t think I’ll post the entries here, but if anyone sees this, ask how I’m doing at it!

Talking to people is one thing; talking to people without afterwards regretting everything I said/didn’t say…is another thing entirely.

This is a huge and serious goal for me. It seems a little frivolous and pathetic, but it really is something that bothers me on almost a daily basis.

I say “talk to people I want to talk to,” but maybe I don’t know who that is. Really, I’m just looking for some meaningful conversation. Maybe I want to talk to someone who can push me forward. Maybe I want to talk to someone whom I admire. Maybe I want to talk to someone who can empathize. Maybe I want to talk to someone who just gives me a completely different perspective. And maybe, just maybe, I want to talk to someone who can flatter me, haha.

In the last few weeks, I have surprised myself by doing all of those.
But I didn’t talk to that one person, one person who intimidates me so much.

And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe I just have to move past that.

Because I love what I do have.

I totally failed at this.
Which was stupid. I mean, all I wanted to say was happy birthday, kind of.
But I made a big deal out of it. Out of how I haven’t spoken to this person in a month and, the times that I had spoken to him, were few, short, and awkward…but they were thoroughly enjoyable. At least to me.
Man I feel really lame.
If today were his birthday, being in the mood I’m in, this would not be an issue, haha.

Today, I’ve done better. I’ve started talking to another person whom I hardly know but have enjoyed so far. I just don’t know what else to say.

I think that’s my downfall.
The first step is okay. And then I’m horrible at carrying on conversation. So it just kind of dies, and then when the next opportunity arises, I feel completely embarrassed and completely creepy.
Key word: creepy.
I’m always self-conscious about seeming sketch.