let him go

but today, after some thinking I just realized I kind of transferred him to another I recently met. I met this new guy almost on the same day I met this him. I just realized they’re kind of alike. Both once wrote or told me stories about me being the protagonist, or sang songs, or passed me nice songs, or wrote poetry, or stuff like that.

I don’t know if I have really gotten over him, or just trasnfered that little bit of whatever it is that’s still here to this new fella. Because I know I don’t like this new guy, or love him in a romantic way.. it’s just that this new guy feels so special that makes me believe it’s whatever I felt for him.

I left him a little bit over 6 months ago, because I met a really nice guy.
The him I left I had never met, we only spoke whenever I called him, he never called me altough I gave him my number a couple of times. Met him six years ago, asked him for a letter some months after I met him, he finally sent that bloody letter a year and a half ago. He let me go once, I came back after a month or less… a year or two after that he decided to leave, I was devastated. I could swear I forgot how to breathe. I spent a year and half worrying about him, wondering if he was doing alright, and then, one day I find his profile and I send him a mail asking him about my bloody letter, he replies asking for my adress and so we start speaking (chatting) again, it was only a matter of time until he asked me to be his “girl”, as much as I could be “his” in an online-relationship. Two months after my birthday he said that he wanted to take the relationship to another step, a real relationship. Obviously, I freaked out (specially since I’m not 18 yet). He said he told me in advance so I could think it in the coming 10 months… we spoke less and less, and during vacations I met a really nice boy, who made me feel alive again! Because my “boyfried” at that time would make me worry too much, and he wouldn’t get online that often. We lasted something around 8 months.

And I feel that I’m betraying my current boyfriend because I still think about him, I still worry if he’s alright or if he’s doing good. And when something happens on TV, or I hear a song that reminds me of him, I feel bad. And I feel worse when I tell this boy that I want to be with him forever and have his kids, because that was the same thing I told him… and I’m afraid that it could happen again, and I don’t want to.