Stop feeling like I have to force myself to do the things I supposedly want to do and enjoy.

Took out the brushes and acrylics yesterday and started a painting. Really enjoyed that. Also FINALLY put my hot peppers in the ground- they look much more cheerful after the rain last night. Plus 2 of them are starting to turn red! Cant’ wait to try them. Been doing more grooming than riding with the horses, but they like the attention.

I continue to have this ‘go, go, gotta be on the move’ feeling…..... all I can think about is traveling, moving, reading. I once had a job like that, but it involved a VERY unstable lifestyle and less money than I make now. There MUST be a job or lifestyle out there that will STOP this screaming in my heart to just pack up and GO! I can’t hardly focus on anything else. I’m beginning to think 2 or 3 of these items on my list are solvable by one solution, but it’s still unclear exactly what that is. I did go riding the other day and still enjoy it. But I kept looking at the horizon (so did my horse for that matter- she’s a go-getter :-) and thinking “I could just keep going, we could just deal with problems as they arise.” Could and would and should and did are all different. I shouldn’t, wouldn’t (yet), and didn’t.

When the joy is gone from something to the point that I must force myself to go do it, then I need to know why there was a change. Is it my own interests changing? Is some other part of my life making me too tired or uninspired? Do I have the things needed to do the things I think I enjoy? I’m so scared I have lost my PASSION. I had it once. But it has faded very slowly over the years. What remains in it’s place is determination. I have that. It used to make me excel at my passions. Now its the only thing keeping me going. I’m not unhappy, I’m just missing that eagerness to go on about things in my life. Please, God, let me sort this one out soon.