overcome bulimia

I haven’t thrown up for one whole week. : D

Alright..So I threw up yesturday..my grandmother took me out to freaking dinner. She got angry at me for only wanting to order a salad. I ended up ordering a grilled cheese..(I’m a vegetarian)..Super fattening. I ate a little bit. She got irritated, had to eat more.-She knows I have eating ‘problems’ to a extent, not bulimia though..well..I got home, took a shower, just completely freaked..Back to day one.
End of day one at least : D
I just really wasn’t ready for that..

I’m on day 3. It’s been difficult some too a extent, but it’s not too horrific. I’m doing better. It’s only the beginning of day 3, but I’m going to get thru it. I’m so sick of being a failure at achieving this. I’m so freaking sick of being entirely pathetic, being bulimic. It seems so screwed up to me that I actually a problem, even though bulimia is the apitimy of eating disorders. I’m going to do this, no matter what.

Alright..So, I’m taking this a single step on a time.
I didn’t throw up today. I was so freaking tempted once..but, I didn’t- A friend told me how she knows that you do something addicting once, you’ll continue doing it. It such a freaking simple concept, but so incredibly true and even helpful. It’s one of thoes things that has to simply bite you in the buttox before you realize how true it is.
I can overcome bulimia.

At this point, I feel completely frustrated. I’m a weak individual when it comes to this area. Over this weekened, my bestfriend and I went out shopping, we stopped to eat at a pizza place. I was really hungry, but only had one piece at first, then I had one more, and at this point I was stuffed, but this was the first time I’d eaten in a couple days, so I ate one more.
About ten minutes after I was done eating, I went to the bathroom.
Took me forever to get anything up and by the time I did I had made my eyes puffy as hell and my knuckles scared more so then currently. I began shaking also, which very rarely happens.
I came out of the bathroom and it was a small restaurant, but out of the four employees there, all of them stared at me as if I was absolutely insane..
I didn’t really think anyone would really notice, but everyone did..Everyone knew. The woman that worked there didn’t take her eyes off of me the whole time until we left, Staring as if I had a 20 foot beard attached to my head.
My bestfriend, who knew I had eating problems in the past, questioned me..she knew what I did. She was hysterical.

That was seriously one of the worst moments of my life. Until that day, I guess I never realised that it was all that big of a deal. Maybe that’s why I don’t really feel a whole lot of need to overcome it, simply because it’s not that important, right??
It is and I’m going to stop..I’m using a friend’s advice on how to do so. Wish me luck. : )

I’ve been doing so horrible lately. I know I’m completely endangering myself, Putting myself on the verge of many possible health problems..
It’s just that I’m about ready to basically say screw it. I’m such a determined person, but I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t have enough control to keep my fingers out of my throat for at least a freaking month.
I’m not giving up, I just need to change my plan of attack I think.

I haven’t thrown up in about 5 days I believe! : )
That’s great for me. It really is.

Instead of counting the how long it’s been since I’ve thrown up..I’m limiting the amount..Of course, the less..The better.
I’ve improved a lot. I started having really hard time breathing and extreme chest pains a few weeks ago after purging..it scared the crap out of me. I don’t want to have a freaking heart attack, do I? I can proudly say I usually now only throw up at the most 4 times a week..which isn’t bad at all compared to the at least twice a day thing. : )
I’ll keep working at it.

I screwed up on day 4, but it’s fine.
I proceeded thru it..leaped right back on track. Currently on day 2, which is almost deceased. I’m on a fruit fast for 3 days, which began today. It’s healthy and I feel so much more in control when I’m not eating actual food. The more in control I feel the less urge I have to purge. I shall never give up.

I threw up for three days after the last entry. I felt so freaking pathetic. I’ve been purge free for 2 days now. I’m on my third day. : ) I went away with some family to Seaworld..they obviously forced me to eat. There was no way to throw up without them getting suspicious..The point is I didn’t and I feel stronger then ever in this area. I’m trying to eat more..I ate a apple for breakfast and I plan to keep it down. I can do this.