stop self harming

Well so I haven’t done it lately at all…the last official, serious time was October. A little bit here and there, for a couple seconds, maybe. Needless to say I’ve been doing well, but…

Well, my new boyfriend (ok, not so new, we met at a New Year’s Eve party,) smokes pot occasionally, and has been doing it less and less since he’s known me, since I don’t like it. I have rather personal reasons why I’m against drugs. He knows it hurts me a lot when he does it, I hate it. He never does it around me and if I ask him to not do it on a specific night, like a party or something, he always agrees right away, which is great.

However, I’m thinking that I’ll ask him to stop for good. My rational premise will be that 4/20 (some kind of pot holiday, whatever,) is on a Friday this year, and my idea is that he gets fried out of his mind for one last hurrah, and then it’s over and he stops for good.

More recently, I was thinking it’d be more fair if I made a deal with him that I’d stop scratching or cutting for good on that weekend too.

The only problem is that, well…I havn’t done it, but I don’t WANT to give it up, at all. There have been other times in my life when I was disgusted by SI, and when I was sure I didn’t need it.

Now however I’m in a mode where I’m ok with doing it if I need to, and that bothers me, a lot. I’m comfortable with intentinally hurting myself. That’s obviously not a good thing.

He knows of my self-harm and I’ll make a reference to self harm and he says: “Why do you do that?” and I say “I don’t know.”

He doesn’t seem as upset as I get, but I should ask him more, how he feels about it. If my cutting hurts him just as much as his pot hurts me…then it’s only fair I give it up.

It makes the most sense if I just suck it up and give it up, just like he probably doesn’t want to give up pot for good. Hell, I’m planning on giving him my usual safety pin! I guess I don’t have a question per se, I’m just looking for a little insight.

Thanks.

The last time I did it was October 17/18th, and I haven’t wanted to that much. I still have a bit of a scar, (I suppose I could call it that to be dramatic, it’s a small indentation in my skin,) based on one of the two scratches I reported on in my last entry. So I have an offical reminder, of what I’d done to myself. Creepily enough, I don’t mind it. It’s like proof that I’ve lived or something. Is that weird?

Anyhow, I’m full of anxiety since I’m doing shitty in 2 classes and I CAN’T fail!!!!! I’ve been putting so much effing effort into it, and it’s getting unberable. I’m so anxious, Finals Week rears its ugly head tomorrow. Bah fucking humbug, damnit!

I can’t wait till this is just all over, and I can relax.

Tonight, I was, as my therapist puts it “hypomanic”. A ‘good mood’, supposedly.

In a moment of surrender, I took my usual safety pin (not as bad as the chard of thick glass from my art project but still,) and I scratched. 2 long ones on my right arm (I’m left-handed,) and I stood back, in horror, at what I’d done. Guilt rained down on me and I felt like shit, as I promised to never NEVER do it again. I saw how ugly and horrible the scratches looked. I felt progressively worse as I sauntered into the kitchen. My mom started asking me about why I hadn’t called my school’s transfer counselor about transferring to another college next year. I apologized, and then she said that she wasn’t mad; just frustrated, and then I looked at her and started to cry. “I’m sorry, I said sadly, “I’m sorry that sometimes I do stupid things that I shouldn’t do, and …I was in my room, and…”

“What did you do to your room that you shouldn’t have been doing?”

“I didn’t do anything to my room…”

“What did you do to yourself that you shouldn’t have been doing?”

Covered in anxiety, I pushed up my sleeve. She looked…concerned. She asked if I’d been taking my meds, I said yes. I said I was sorry and we hugged. I’m so sappy. She asked if I felt like doing it again and I said no, since one I honestly hate it and two, how could I say anything else? I really hate it, so that was true. She said that I’d talk to Julie and get my meds fixed and I’d be fine.

I am so, so so grateful. I even told my sister in law, and she said “well, talk to peoples” and more hugs.

I’m utterly grateful, and now, I know, things WILL change, I’m sure of it.

Good luck everyone!!!

I fucked up October. Chaos here, but it wasn’t too bad. Sure, I holed myself up in my room as my brother screamed at my dad for over an hour, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Nothing severe, though, some scraches, you know. Nothing HUGE but I just read my earlier entry here and am rather dissapointed. I didn’t even make it two weeks in October! Meh.

On Thursday, to my horror, I woke up 2 and a half hours late! My class started in a HALF HOUR and I didn’t have a ride to school!!

So once I woke up and saw the time, I was flooded with utter anxiety, a perfect chance to just scratch the hell out of my arm. However, I resisted. I thought “If I do it, I’ll only feel worse”, and took precautions, before I showerd, I tossed my Venus razor in a drawer (I usually scratch instead of cut, but I was REALLY anxious!)

So after running around and waiting for my cab to show up, I REALLY wanted to, but I didn’t. Thank God!!!

Also, I got really REALLY angry yesterday at someone I used to be in a relatinshop with, and I REALLY wanted to just freak out and scratch, i didn’t. again. October is coming and I’ll see if I can go the whole month. Last time when I did it for Sepetember, I went till the 18th, which was pretty good but I want to do better, which is different, when I first started it, I immedialty wanted to stop and never do it again. This past spring and summer, I was less obsessive. That’s not exactly a good thing, but, eh.