feel the fear and do it anyway

This is hard, but I’ll be glad I chose adventure (If I survive). :-)

She said she knows I’ll always do great, because I’m not afraid to try new things. I asked what she meant and she gave as an example someone we know who will always stay in her present job situation because it’s familiar and safe. She said most people are like that, but not me.

This really means a lot to me and I will definitely draw strength from that thought during all the trying times to come.

I need to project a calm competence in job interviews, but I’m afraid that, instead, I come off as “Little Sally Talks-a-Lot.” I can’t seem to “sell” myself the way I’m going to need to to get a job with this district.

So off I go into “Microsoft Word” to make a list of my strengths and figure out how best to explain them.

Why is this SO HARD for me?

but it shocked me when I came back to this and saw my user name announcing a GRANDBABY on the way. I’m having trouble getting used to this idea of becoming a grandmother. They’re so wise and kindly (and old…).

I don’t feel that way (I just turned 39).

I’m happy about the baby coming, but I’m having a bit of an identity crisis.

My calf felt tight like it was going to cramp up twice. I’m fearful after what happened in the marathon, and so I slowed to a walk twice. I’m disappointed in myself because I’m pretty sure I’d have turned in a time of UNDER 30 MINUTES, had I pushed myself a little harder. Clock tme of 32:30.

Oh well, I guess it’s something to keep working on.

May sound strange, but I’ve always really envied those people (women) who can think of some decorating or craft idea, size it up, go to the craft store for what they need, and then complete the project.

I tend to go to the craft store, get totally visually overwhelmed, think of an idea for some neat thing I found, look for what I need to go with it, have another idea, keep looking around, pursue vague ideas until my attention gets drawn by something else, and wind up leaving everything there in frustration.

I lack focus and I don’t trust my own taste.

Well, now I’m proud of myself, as I’ve come up with an idea for an ornament that I will love giving everyone this year. In planning and shopping for them, I’ve been decisive and even inventive. It’s actually been FUN.

I think I’ll make that a goal for 2007 – find purposeful focus!

with controlled, righteous anger the other day against 3 petty women who did something childish, unprofessional, and downright mean toward me, and indirectly toward the kids in my class. I’d thought these teachers and I were a team together, so I was VERY shocked and hurt by what they did.

I wrote the incident up and gave it to the principal, and he’s meeting with us all on Tuesday. I may give my two-week notice after that meeting. I gave my write-up to those teachers and told them how I felt about what they did. They now, I’m sure, fear for their jobs and I’m not the least bit sorry for that. I don’t feel I got them in trouble. They did that by their own nasty actions. They WON”T get fired for this, I’m certain. But let them sweat a little.

What I don’t get is – what the hell did they think I was gonna do? Roll over and show my belly?

I really dread going to my new gym to work out by myself. It’s huge and there seem to be a lot of twenty-something hardbodies there. But, big deal… I mean, really, what do I think’s going to happen to me there? I’ve gotta force myself to do this THIS week.

I haven’t gone into school yet and sorta am dreading it. I had a dream last night that I went back for the first time the same day (tardy, too) the kids arrived and found that “my” room was occupied by another teacher. I had to go ask a teacher I’d never met if she knew which room was mine! I don’t need Freud to help interpret this dream. My subconcious is trying to give me a kick in the pants here!

What do I fear? Well, it’s not the kids and their parents. It’s not my team of teachers, even though I’ve yet to meet ALL the other teachers and most of our aides (Yes, I’m the only certified teacher returning to this place). It’s the so-called administration where I work. The “principal” is very UNinvolved and UNavailable in the day-to-day running of the “school” part of the program. That falls to the daycare director. Whenever the principal tells the teachers that something will be a certain way, she often goes to him, changes his mind and comes back to the teachers to tell of the new rule or policy. Granted, she has lots of responsibility and not much real authority, which makes HER life difficult as she tries to make the place comply with all kinds of confusing and arbitrary state and district standards. I went in once this summer and she made a point of telling me, sweetly, that two policies (important ones) that the “Principal” had said would be changed next year would not be.

I think I need to just not discuss this stuff with her, but rather with “Principal” in her presence. I’m also going to put HIM on my speed-dial so I can go directly to HIM on issues of policy and procedure.

Having said all that, I love where I work, usually. I just am bracing myself for the run-around, I’m sure to get…..

I need prayer!

I didn’t want to go run this morning with my face the way it is (Still pretty bad, with a big bandaid over my nose and one on my upper lip, 2 black eyes, etc.). I felt actual sickening dread when I thought of people staring at me. Today is the first day of my marathon training schedule, however, so I just sucked it up and WENT anyway!!!

At first I kept my head ducked down when cars passed. Then, one lady smiled and waved, and that was all it took to make me feel better. After that I made eye contact and tried to nod or wave at everyone who passed, unfortunately most people looked away as quickly as they could. Their loss.