feel the fear and do it anyway

I really dread going to my new gym to work out by myself. It’s huge and there seem to be a lot of twenty-something hardbodies there. But, big deal… I mean, really, what do I think’s going to happen to me there? I’ve gotta force myself to do this THIS week.

I haven’t gone into school yet and sorta am dreading it. I had a dream last night that I went back for the first time the same day (tardy, too) the kids arrived and found that “my” room was occupied by another teacher. I had to go ask a teacher I’d never met if she knew which room was mine! I don’t need Freud to help interpret this dream. My subconcious is trying to give me a kick in the pants here!

What do I fear? Well, it’s not the kids and their parents. It’s not my team of teachers, even though I’ve yet to meet ALL the other teachers and most of our aides (Yes, I’m the only certified teacher returning to this place). It’s the so-called administration where I work. The “principal” is very UNinvolved and UNavailable in the day-to-day running of the “school” part of the program. That falls to the daycare director. Whenever the principal tells the teachers that something will be a certain way, she often goes to him, changes his mind and comes back to the teachers to tell of the new rule or policy. Granted, she has lots of responsibility and not much real authority, which makes HER life difficult as she tries to make the place comply with all kinds of confusing and arbitrary state and district standards. I went in once this summer and she made a point of telling me, sweetly, that two policies (important ones) that the “Principal” had said would be changed next year would not be.

I think I need to just not discuss this stuff with her, but rather with “Principal” in her presence. I’m also going to put HIM on my speed-dial so I can go directly to HIM on issues of policy and procedure.

Having said all that, I love where I work, usually. I just am bracing myself for the run-around, I’m sure to get…..

I need prayer!

I didn’t want to go run this morning with my face the way it is (Still pretty bad, with a big bandaid over my nose and one on my upper lip, 2 black eyes, etc.). I felt actual sickening dread when I thought of people staring at me. Today is the first day of my marathon training schedule, however, so I just sucked it up and WENT anyway!!!

At first I kept my head ducked down when cars passed. Then, one lady smiled and waved, and that was all it took to make me feel better. After that I made eye contact and tried to nod or wave at everyone who passed, unfortunately most people looked away as quickly as they could. Their loss.