feel the pain and do it anyway

This goal strikes me as hilarious as I consider childbirth in my future now…

Hubby couldn’t come home or call, BUT managed to get a message to me, by one of his soldier friends who graduated the same training yesterday. He knew I’d be worried. He wanted me to know he’s fine and he’ll be home NEXT weekend. I’m relieved that he’s okay. I didn’t realize just how worried about him I’d been.

Knowing he’s okay and missing me too, I can get through another week of this.

Hubby said he’d be home the first weekend in November. I assumed it was this one and I’d at least hear from him today, but I was wrong. I didn’t make any plans so now I’m just sitting home having a pity party. I don’t even want to answer the door to greet trick-or-treaters (which I usually LOVE). I just can’t see opening the door to strangers of any age when I’m here alone.

She was my best friend and my little girl. I miss her so much. It has been 1 and 1/2 months, but I seem to miss her MORE, not less as time goes by.

She was a GREAT DOG.. Even toward the end when her walking was unsteady, and stairs made her hesitate and wobble, she STILL tried to protect me from strangers in my yard (movers) by racing down the porch steps barking and baring her teeth at them.

The cancer caused her to decline really quickly. I’d known she wasn’t herself, but had thought it was mostly stress from our big impending move and from the fact that she missed my husband. By the time I actually moved across the country with her, I was having to lift her into and out of the car, but I thought that was just some arthritus and so I started her on a baby aspirin every day. She was still somewhat playful, wagged her tail, enjoyed being with us, etc..

We’d been in our new house for about a week when she vomited a few times, so I took her to a vet who happened to be able to see her that very day. He put her on an IV for dehydration and told me it was either hepatitus or cancer of the liver and spleen. I was shocked by the news. We were hoping for hepatitus as that’s treatable, and so we started to treat her for it.

What followed was heartbreakingly difficult. I am so thankful that my husband was home with me (rather than unreachable for weeks “in the field” as had been planned) during it all. She had her good days which gave us hope that the expensive treatment was working. Then she’d decline and we’d take her back and listen to indecipherible news from the vet. It was hard to make any decisions based on his wishy-washy diagnosis.

The last thing we tried was a blood transfusion from her own grown pup (who we still have) and that was just four days before her death.

About three weeks and two thousand dollars after her diagnosis she lost her ability to get up and walk and we knew it was time. She “told” us she was ready to go. The sparkle was completely gone from her eye and she never wagged her tail anymore. She could walk when we stood her up and steadied her, but she was clearly suffering.

We spent our last day with her just laying in the floor beside her, petting and talking to her, and giving her Cheetoes. She could raise her head, but it took a huge effort. My husband carried her in and out of the house and held her up so she could do her business.

I never doubted it was the right thing to do, but it was still so hard to tell her goodbye. Seeing my husband cry broke my heart even more. I can hardly see to type this now. I’m crying so hard to just think of it.

We’d gotten her at eight weeks old and I guess I expected to have about 16 years with her like we’d had with our mixed breed. Sadly, I learned that the average age for Golden Retrievers is eleven. Cancer is VERY common as the cause of their deaths.

I do see now why people say “never again!” after having to put their old dog to sleep. The thought of having to go through something like this again is enough to do it. Not me though…

However painful it is now, is nothing compared to the joy she brought our family during her life. I would never trade my time with her for anything, even if it meant not having to feel this pain. She was worth every tear.

... is one of the roughest, most violently painful things I’ve ever gone through. Because the tooth was broken into pieces he had to push HARD and pull HARD. Then when he broke it off at the root, he had to get a little drill-saw thingy and cut what was left into pieces at the gumline. The he dug into my gum with something sharp to get out all the pieces. It took 40 minutes, but felt like about 2 hours to me.

Maybe I’m really a wimp, but it was terribly traumatic! I had nightmares about it, when I was even able to sleep.

I distinctly remember a huge “Aha-Moment” when I thought, “It’s JUST pain. It can’t stop me.” It was a revelation to me to think that pain (or fear thereof) doesn’t HAVE TO have power over me. I can choose to do worthy things even if I hurt.

Gotta go through this pain. Gotta face it and get past it. Can’t anesthetize myself forever (over-eating, TV, inertia, sleep, beer). Being without my husband hurts. Period. So… I’ll cry and talk and call friends and go on. I want to DO a little more and wallow a little less. I haven’t been moving forward. Time to suck it up and deal.

(Feat. Lady Antebellum & Hillary Scott)

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
And know in your belly
You’re never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone

Chorus:
Never alone
Never alone
I¹ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you¹re never alone

Well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I’m not gonna promise the cold winds won¹t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You¹re never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

...they say that very sad people look like they’ve lost their best friends. Being without my best friend for the past seven months has been the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do.

I just deleted a bunch, because this is too private to talk about. I just don’t feel like anyone would really understand anyway.

I’ll get over it. I may get to see him next month.

Okay, I’m not complaining OR bragging, but feeling very proud of having gotten through all the challenges thrown at me lately. Also feeling a little sore and exhausted (okay, a LOT sore and exhausted…).

School has begun without a hitch (well, maybe one or two – but not big ones). I am proud of how awesome my little classroom trailer looks (if I do say so myself). With the custodian’s help I moved all the books, furniture, and equipment out to another trailer where we got all my “stuff” for kindergarten. What wasn’t there I had to track down, buy, make myself, beg, borrow, or steal (well, not really steal!). I’ve really had my resourcefulness put to the test.

I had to do all this in 10 days, without transportation, no school email, while getting to know the staff and my way around (the campus and the district), between meetings, teacher classes, testing children, etc.

During this 10 days I took a last minute weekend trip to Florida, celebrated a big anniversary, looked for and bought a car, and regretted that I didn’t have more time (and the transportation) to go see my sweet grandbaby, who turned a month old. :-(

I did a lot of unnecessary stuff to my trailer, like making curtains, painting lampshades, and potting plants. It’s important to me that it be inviting and peaceful for the kids, and for me, too, as I will be spend most of my waking hours within those four walls for about 200 days.

Thank GOD for HUBBY who has not only been there with rides when I needed him (well, mostly – I did have to wait a lot), whenever he could. He also has brought me food and smoothies and company when I’ve worked through meals. He moved some heavy office furniture for me and hooked up my computers. The biggest thing is that he took care of all the tedious tasks that go along with buying a car (title, tag, etc.) so I could continue working.

I’ve transitioned into a work schedule that starts WAY earlier than I EVER have at any job, and a looooong commute that causes me to have to leave the house at 6:45 am. (which means I must get my stuff in the car, ready to go – and my outfit and everything chosen THE NIGHT BEFORE). I’m not doing well at getting ready the night before as I’ve been staying and working until the night custodians leave, which is 9pm or 11pm (on different weeks, I mean). Which means I start the next day, rushed and anxious, but (so far anyway) on time. I think I need prayer here.

The last three days, my students have sucked every last ounce of energy out of me by 2:45 each day, BUT I’ve actually managed to keep it together very well (by this, I mean remaining calm, kind, cheerful, and consistent even when I didn’t feel I had it in me) for them, even at the end of the day. Anyone who’s ever worked in early childhood education at the beginning of the school year, knows exactly what I’m talking about!

I have some of the same feelings I had after I ran my marathon. I’ve once again surprised myself by what I am capable of. I believe we are off to a great year in Kindergarten! I may be learning more than any of my students! Though bone-tired, I welcome the challenges to come!