My husband’s been gone since November. It’s been a damn long cold bleak time without him here. He’s my best friend and I miss him terribly, but it’s more than that.
I haven’t made the most of this time away from him and now I’ve decided to join him where he is training, earlier than we’d planned for me to. In some ways I’m disappointed in myself.
I wanted to see what I was made of and really do things for myself and others while he was gone. I got off to a good start, but at some point sort of stopped striving and choosing to face the pain, feel the fear and then press on through it.
Instead I’ve anesthetized myself with food, beer, sleep, T.V etc. The depression and bleakness just really got to me. Bad timing in all things to do with my husband, and my health, seems to have conspired against me at every turn.
After my last visit with him during his graduation from Basic and Infantry Training, it dawned on me how different he is now and always will be, for having gone through all this training, and time away.
So I spend my life using myself and my energy totally UP each day, at a job I love with people I respect and enjoy working with. However I leave there and go home to vegetate alone until the next morning when I ALWAYS slightly oversleep and wake to look at the clock and exclaim, “crap!” Then I do it all again. That’s pretty much my life.
Now I am watching my boss and my teaching team interview someone to take my place next year. I’m hugging my mom as she cries and tells me she doesn’t want me to leave. I’m anticipating being an over-the-phone Grandma to my grandson and his sibling-to-be.
I guess I’m trying to say that, as much as I need to be with my husband, I am resentful and angry at pulling up roots and leaving my life behind to move 1,156 miles from here.
I’ve gained so much weight and feel awful most of the time. I’ve gotta do something differently. This isn’t working.
