be a better mom

I have been away from this site for so long! I have been talking to my 4 daughters each at their own level and they are adjusting remarkably well. I have not seen tears in awhile now although my 20 year old is still at times angry with me. I have worked out a schedule with my soon to be EX and we are getting along well, especially for the sake of the kids and since we always have been friends….just not very good lovers. Anyway, I am letting the kids stay in their schools, it is something that they want and I have rocked their worlds enough already, why make it any more stressful? They have all met my boyfriend and I have taken that very slow. I am lucky in that he is very good with kids and he really likes my girls..and why shouldn’t he? They are great kids. :-) Anyway, I have never pushed him on them, especially the younger ones. They have gotten to know him as Mom’s friend and of course after awhile, they could see that there is something more. But even with that, they come first and he knows that. It has paid off having that attitude because I think that is why they have accepted him. I am still very sorry to have put them thru their parents breaking up but I really have tried to put their thoughts and feelings first. I think that having open communication is the most important thing and I treasure that openness so very much. Especially with the older girls, I feel like our relationship is still strong and I let them be angry for after all, I suppose I have deserved it. I think every kid wants their parents to stay together, it is a source of stability. I am working hard at giving them all the security that I can…their Dad & I both love them, very much.

My life has calmed down, it is time for me to take them overnight more often and get down to a regular schedule. At first I was stressed out about a lot of things and learning a new job. Now that has passed so it is time for me to take on my Mom duties like I should be. No more focusing on myself, those kids need me. Their Dad is a great Dad but he is not a Mom. They need me to nurture them which I have to be even better at because all of these changes will be difficult (and have been already) They need me to Focus on their needs and I am ready. I love my children so much. I am sorry that their lives have been so changed through no fault of their own. I have to show them that a parent can make a mistake and maybe Dad & Mom can’t be together but we can still love and be there for them. There has to be a way. I am determined not to let my mess become their mess.

I came to my husband’s house tonight to help the kids decorate and we had a good time. We played Christmas Carols and danced around and it felt good…almost “Normal”. I am trying to have some Holiday Joy for my kid’s sake.It is not easy to be alone during a season where it Seems like everyone has someone. (Which of course isn’t true) I can’t think of myself though…the kids need as much stability as I can give them and I am determined. I am glad I cannot afford cable.. they have been doing crafts and stuff and I am much more focused when I am with them. I love them so much and I don’t want to hurt them. They seem Ok though…it really surprises me but they seem OK. I sure hope so.

My oldest came home from school for her birthday (she is 20 now) and she is just so darn funny that we had a really good time at dinner. The sad thing was that it felt so “normal” for all of us to be together…it was hard to see her go for that reason alone. My other daughter had her birthday this weekend too. We took her rollerblading and got her some new skates. Over all, it was an enjoyable weekend because we were all together but sad too because next time, I won’t be living here. I don’t want to hurt my kids…I hope that this all works out somehow.

My youngest wanted me to change my picture to this. Isn’t it sweet? :-)

I have four beautiful daughters and I have thus far dedicated my life to them. I have worked & stayed at home. The last year or so I have been kind of disillusioned with my life…I think I gave & I gave and I have somehow lost myself. I know that my marriage Definitely got lost. My husband who is a great Dad has not really invested any time in me for several years now and I was guilty of the same. We are splitting up which makes me feel even less of a Mom but I can’t possibly stay just for the sake of the children. I have been so confused lately that I have little to give…I am leaning on friends & my faith but it is hard to focus. I want to get to a point where I can do both..take care of myself but also give my kids (especially the younger 2, the older 2 are in college already) I think maybe it is easy to just get tired and a bit lazy…I need to pull myself together and get back on track. My kids need Two Good parents…even if we are living in seperate houses.