Let go of the past

I have got to Stop….I am still reeling from the immediate past (altho I am getting better) but due to things that my sister has told me,(that I had no idea about as I had already moved out) I am totally re-angry at my parents. Plus the fact that they are so supportive (not!!!!) I really have no use for them but then I feel guilty because they Are my parents after all. Their continuing selfishness just drives me crazy. My mother begged me to tell her about my “friend” (it hurt her that I wouldn’t share something like that with her) so I did but when I am feeling down and want to talk about it, she is always busy…”can’t talk right now, I have to read the paper.” Not that I expect miracles but it would help me to get along with them if they at least tried to be a little bit caring. I am starting to think that I have to say this to my mother’s face. For example, I had a lot of stuff that I got rid of for the move and she is over here saying “why didn’t yo save it for me to look at to see if I wanted it?” Well, why didn’t She come over and help me pack? Then she could have had whatever she wanted. She is Still so all about herself…I just have no use for it. Does that make me a bad person?

I am realizing with much sadness that I have to let go of my “friend” because lets face it, he is Not my friend. It hurts me to write this down but I feel like I have to face the truth. If he were a true friend, he would have realized that he did indeed lead me on in our relationship and that he did indeed demand way too much of my time. He would have apoligized and then explained that we needed to stay away from eachother for awhile and perhaps be friends at a later date. Instead he was totally unreasonable and unclear as well. I mean what the Heck does “give it a rest” mean? Doesn’t he realize how difficult this has been for me? How does he expect me to hang out with the same people and just act like nothing happened between us…What was he trying to prove by saying he would have made a “move” on his other married friend if she had been out for a drive rather than me? Is he a moral person or isn’t he? Was he just playing me for a fool? Why has he told so many lies? Is he ashamed of himself because I was a married woman? Does he blame himself for my marriage breaking up? And when I originally told him about how I was feeling…why didn’t he end it then? This would have been so much easier if he only ended it at that time. But in part because he didn’t and because he Still spent time with me (only after he were sure that my marriage was really over) that I really started to fall harder because I really thought that he felt the same way. This has been such a total nightmare! And now he doesn’t call my good friend anymore. Was he just using her to get info back to me? I have never had such a confusing relationship in my whole life! I wish God would help me with this…I never meant to do anyone wrong…honestly, I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder if God isn’t punishing me for “cheating”. I didn’t mean to…in the begining I was only trying to help…I never dreamed it would turn out the way it did. And why is it that other people (Christians included) cheat and go on to leave their spouse and they have someone right away…why does God let them get away with that? I have always tried to serve God…I always tried to help people…I just don’t understand it. I just want to be free from this pain…not just the unrequited love but the betrayal as well. We were friends for a long time Before this all happened and now I don’t even have that.

I have had one of those horrible abusive and ugly childhoods made even worse by the fact that I was not allowed to go play with friends or go to dances or any of it. So at 17 I moved out, made horrible choices, married too young and here I am. I really felt that I was able to forgive my parents as they had it no better themselves. I just decided to distance myself from them somewhat over the years so I didn’t Have to take anymore bull from them. I never thought that somehow halfway through my life, I would re-think my whole life and make such huge changes. Of course, they are siding with my husband (as they wouldn’t even know How to be supportive) but then again, they are trying (in their own way) to be “nice” to me. I think deep down inside they know that they may have contributed to where I ended up. I don’t know really…maybe I would have had a blissful childhood and still re-thought everything at 40. I don’t blame them or anyone…I am a big girl now and can make my own decisions. My only regret is that I didn’t make better choices while youth was stll on my side.