get divorced

Well I did it. I went to court and finished the final step. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck as was my EX. The judge was extremely nice and understanding of the fact that we were real people with real stories and not just some number on the Docket. My Ex and I didn’t have lunch after like some people do but it was OK. I was very relieved that it was done and especially relieved that the judge agreed with how we saw fit to divide our property and parenting duties. The kids are doing really well. I guess they can see that we both love them very much and that adults can make mistakes that we can react in a grown up way and not fight and blame eachother. We have certainly made the best of it and as far as my own life, I can’t believe how much happier I am. I am free to love and be with who I choose as a real grown up woman instead of a desperate 19 year old kid. Divorce is not easy and I regret not being able to continue on…but I have moved on and I like my life better now than I did as a struggling unhappily married woman. I have been very lucky because my EX and my Boyfriend are both two of the nicest guys on the planet. It has been a strange ride but now one chapter has ended and I am enjoying starting a new one.

That is the Big Day. I look forward to finally being Free and to no longer being a Mrs. and losing the Guilt that my boyfriend and I often still discuss about that little legal fact that I am after all still someone’s wife. I can’t say that I will be gleefully skipping away from the court room when it is all said and done. How strange of a journey it has been and I am sure the feelings ever so varied from relief to sadness to that never quite ending guilt… Today in fact is my 22nd wedding anniversary…No cards this year altho as far as my husband goes, he didn’t get me one anyway. Of course he did Last Year as he knew that this was serious stuff. Too little too late or was I throwing away something that could have been better than ever after we both learned a few things about ourselves and eachother. And what about the fact that I have already completely given my heart to a man who makes me feel something that I Never felt with my husband. Why was it all wrong from the very begining? And can I really say that when we have created 4 beautiful children together. And where the heck was my wonderful boyfriend when I was 19?? God, Fate….aimless happenstance..which is it? I prayed so hard last year when I was going thru my “crush” which ultimately paved the way for my marriage to totally fall apart. Ironically enough, it was my “Christian Faith” and “Do-Gooderness” that got me to that point in the first place but I can’t rehash all of that right now. I am just letting you know that getting to this point is very strange indeed. My soon to be EX and I have remained friends and the fighting finally stopped but I still feel pretty terrible about that little thing called a VOW. But then again, he Vowed to Love & Cherish etc… and he didn’t exactly hold up his end of the bargain either. I am truly sorry that it has come down to this but I also look forward to Second Chances. I want that for myself and the Father of my children. I also wish that men & woman could know what a seperated/divorced person knows Without having to go thru it and then maybe ther own marriages would Thrive rather than just be tolerable. That is the thing about wisdom though…it comes from Living and going through it on your own.

Everything should be done in September. I look forward to it all being over with but in a way, I am glad that I have taken my time. This way, I could be certain that this is what I really wanted, it is not easy, I have been married a long time but I also need Love…not someone who is more like my brother…and always has been. I feel guilty that I already have a boyfriend but who can predict timing? I guess I could have told him to call me in 6 mos. or something but we just can’t stay apart. He is a beautiful person who has had his own struggles in ths life but has refused to let any bitterness creep in…I feel like we are both survivors who were somehow meant to be together. I really hope that my soon to be EX finds someone just as wonderful, I really and truly do.

I know this is what I want for Me but I don’t know if I can do it to my family. I am really struggling as I keep reminding myself that I did make a vow. I never meant to fall in love with another….and now since I have been seperated, I have met a wonderful man and we have connected so deeply. I met him while I was still hurting over my friend…I took 5 weeks to call him and it took us a week or two after that to actually get together. We talked and talked and now as we see eachother, the romance just keeps building. Everything that I only dreamt about with my “friend” has come true for real with my New friend. He is so totally romantic and sweet. He cares too much for people as well as I and we totally understand eachother. He is real, he really does care, he doesn’t just pretend like my other friend. I want to be with him so badly but I know I have to start the process of officially ending my marriage…not because of this new man but because I just can’t go back. It can’t be repaired and If I return, it is only out of guilt. I really feel like my new friend and I are soulmates. He feels the same way. Why is Life so complicated? The way we met, it was almost like fate. I just don’t know what to make of it….on the other hand, the thought of facing my husband in court kills me too. I never think of myself…I have stuck it out all this time for my kids and for the sake of Marriage. I just know I can’t keep going like this. I need to make the tough choices and Do what needs to be done but I hate hurting anyone. Sigh!!!!I also don’t understand how I can be over my other friend so completely. I guess the fact that he has been a total bast*rd has certainly helped. I saw him recently and I no longer feel that I want him even if he did want me. People told me that would happen and at the time I didn’t believe it but it is true. What is the Master plan in all of this? Maybe I am thinking too much, I just don’t know.

I am moving out this weekend. It all seems so unreal. I don’t feel like I am Me if that makes any sense at all. How strange it all seems. I am more scared than stressed. I read somewhere that even people in abusive marriages find it hard to actually end it. I guess we all get used to certain patterns. We may not be happy in them but at least we know what to expect. Time for some new patterns. I hope I make it.

Especially if you really care about hurting people. I absolutely Hate hurting someone. I am still living in my home at the moment and my Husband will sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night and start fights with me. This has Got to stop..I can’t take it. I will be sleeping, he will wake me up and start complaining about something I said weeks earlier. I just can’t wait to get through this…it is too hard. It is hard to go but yet impossible to stay. God help me I wish it we different. But it is what it is. :-(

I did some research last night on the effects of divorce on a persons life and according to what I read, what I am feeling is totally normal. (As well as what my husband is going through although he is able to appear more together than I am) This life change produces extreme stress, even when the marriage is no longer salvagable. Even though I am going through a lot, I can’t let fear control me…I have to keep going. I am lucky as my spouse and I have decided to really keep our friendship going for our own sanity and that of our children. A man usually has to take on tasks that he is not used to such as laundry and cooking but a woman like myself finds herself having to go back to work and having to rely on her own income to survive. Thankfully, I do know how to manage money and a checkbook and pay bills or else I could be having to learn all of that as well. I guess I feel better knowing that this is never “a walk through the park” for anyone. I also feel better knowing that all the anxiety will lessen eventually and I will be a stronger person at the end.

I am not there yet but we are in the process. I never thought I would find myself here…never ever! This is what happens when you pour yourself into everything except your relationship. The only words of wisdom I have is Do Not Be Nasty in front of your kids. Emotions run high so this is not easy but you Must. My spouse and I are trying hard to part as friends for we are friends after all. I wish we were lovers but that died so long ago. We are determined that altho this is not what we wished for our lives, we will provide our kids with two happy homes. This takes work but it can be done. After all, it is not our kid’s fault if the Mom & Dad can no longer live together.
Take Care Everyone!