deal with my anxiety

Just to sleep at night…having a lot of trouble clearing my mind so I accept a little help in the form of a pill just for awhile. It is not only that I love and miss him but I have no plans or at least my plans have to be totally revised. Writing in a journal and talking with friends and just learning and reading books like The Worry Cure. This has all helped me understand myself and what makes me tick and how to deal with anxious thoughts. I ain’t getting any younger and I want to live with a much freer spirit and really REALLY getting about what is truly important in life.

In fact, my apartment already feels like home. The only thing is that I don’t have a computer yet…I really miss that!!! I am going to look around for a good deal. I want to get back to my writing and I need my computer for that. Not to mention 43 Things.

I am feeling a little calmer lately. I look forward to getting out and finding some new things to do.

Wish me luck!

I am bringing my 2 younger daughters…they are nervous as am I…I am trying to put a good spin on it. The soon to be ex hubby set up a DVD player and a tv today. No cable for me but at least I can do an excersise video and the kids can watch a movie. I bought eggs and stuff for breakfast…I am as ready as I’ll ever be. I can’t wait to be hooked up to the internet. I’ll miss it at night I am sure but for now, I’ll borrow my kids computer to keep in touch. Today is the first day of the rest of my life????

Had big panic about my friend today too…Still trying to figure it all out…trying hard to let it go. A good friend sent me a Hilarious Email about it…she is making me get a grip…I know she is right.

I’ll let you know how it goes…wish me luck!!! :-)

I am so afraid of living alone…my husband tries to convince me I should stay but I think that is wrong. I should stay because I Love him and want to work things out NOT because I am afraid. I Have to do this..for myself…I don’t even think I am afraid exactly…it is just that it will be so quiet…I want to be productive with my time but I am afraid I might curl up on the couch every night sad and hopeless. Winter is Never good for me…I don’t want to let it get me down..Maybe I can join a gym..it is just now that reality is hitting, can I afford to? Maybe the question is: can I afford Not to? I have to keep myself busy..I need to grow not to curl up and give up. God give me strength (altho I feel that God isn’t one bit interested in me at all at the moment,) after all, Doesn’t He hate Divorce? That seems to be one of the biggies…but of course it has been my experience that you can treat people with Zero compassion and be a “good” Christian but look out if you break one of the Big rules. Well, you know what? I have always had compassion and have always given as much as I could to anyone who asks me. What is the point of it all if you don’t have Love? I feel like everything I ever knew is a big lie! I need to go to bed! Sorry for all the negativity but it is how I am feeling at this moment.

I think since I am doing pretty well at work and I am learning things rather quickly, that has helped give me some much needed confidence. Since I haven’t moved out yet, I don’t know how that is all going to feel. I already have plans to have some friends over so that is something to look forward to. It is my birthday next month and I am already preparing myself for the fact that it is going to Suck…No Expectations. Except maybe my divorce papers will be there…Finally, a gift from my Husband on my birthday. Well there is a change for you. :-)

I have been awake since about 3am (of course) I finally got up at 5 because I couldn’t take it anymore. I am nervous about starting my new job today…I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it. I know that is silly but I am not exactly the picture of confidence these days. I was terribly depressed on Saturday…mostly about my “friend” and how can possibly Be a friend and not wonder what is going on with me. I know that this job is going to help me let go of all of that because I’ll be focused so I won’t have Time to think about the other stuff. I am also feeling overwhelmed because I’ll be moving this weekend. So many new things all at once…throw that in with the heartbreak of ending a marriage and the pain of a “friend” who no longer talks to you and it is not pleasant. Thank God for all of the friends that I have that have gone this path before me…they keep assuring me that everything will be OK even though nothing Feels ok at the moment. I guess I should be grateful because Friday night was fun (being with my oldest daughter out to dinner)and Sunday felt pretty “normal” for the most part. Just like that train in the kid’s story “I think I can…I think I can….I think I can…”

I should be happy as I do have a job now…I am a little closer to being in my new place. I don’t know…hopefully today is just a bad day? I am suddenly feeling completely and utterly alone. I am feeling scared that I will never find True Love anyway so why put my kids through all of this garbage…I am still struggling with my Fall Out Of Love stuff. I just feel like if I got that close to another person, shared so much of my inner self (as he shared also with me) and yet I was wrong about his feelings…what chance do I have to Ever know when it is real??? I feel like a damn fool and maybe that is exactly what I am. I feel like a fool as well for staying in a marriage where I have been miserable for so long. Why didn’t I do something sooner? I am sorry…I am just doubting Everything right now. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

One of my biggest hurdles which was finding work has been solved so now on to the rest of it. Living on my own is going to be very strange I know…I am not sure if it will produce more anxiety or lessen it as I do need to move out. It is not easy living together when you have decided to end your marriage.
I hope that I really Love living in my new place but at the same time, I know that having things so much quieter than they are around here is going to be really strange at first, maybe even lonely. I do look forward to the possibilities of all of these new things…I am not thrilled at the fact that Winter is fast approaching and I am sure that the Holidays are going to be very strange. I guess as they say, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. :-)

My stomach isn’t full of butterflys any more and I am getting on a bit better each day. I still have setbacks but I really think that doing well in my job interviews has really helped. I had to go for a three hour screening yesterday and this was right after my husband flipped out at me! I had to swallow all of that pent up stress because I just didn’t have time to fight with him. We talked later and ironed out some things. Even when you Want to end your marriage, there is absolutely Nothing pleasant about it. And I am lucky because my husband and I are determined to be friends and keep a healthy relationship for our kids sake and our own. Why not? We have always been friends anyway. I am sure that even when I do get a job, I will have some new anxiety but at least I won’t have to wonder how I will pay the bills.

I guess I am improving a little but it seems I end up crying for at least 10 minutes every day. I pull myself back together and re-group for whatever the next thing is that I have to do. This is the worst pressure that I have ever experienced…it is just too much. I know that once I get a job, I will feel much better about my whole situation. I just find it so hard to even bother eating…I am as thin as I ought to be right now…I don’t need to lose any more. I am sleeping better at least…I guess I am looking to have a little glimpse of happiness…I am sick of feeling so sad and overwhelmed. I mean, when I compare this to other horrible sitautions that I have lived through…this is even worse. I have had financial hardship, miscarriages, people I love die, and yet it seems like I could recover from these other things…I think that it must be that I never expected to be in this place that I am at now. Also, I have to find the strength within myself..that is something that I am not used to doing I guess. I am used to helping people and listening to their problems but maybe I am not used to depending on myself. I know I am rambling…just thinking out loud I guess. I know I am going through huge changes..not only externally but inside as well. People that have already gone through this sort of thing tell me I won’t recognize the person that I will have become…someone stronger and wiser but yet still me…it sounds so strange. I look forward to moving my entries to the other column where I can say I DID THIS. Oh, I long for that day!

Peace to you all.