learn to trust

My friend didn’t get my message as he stayed at a friend’s house. We have been out a couple of more times now and I realize that he does truly care and he is going to try to be better at calling me. He does take care of his family and that takes a lot of his time and he has been out of the dating loop for awhile and I think he just forgot how it is for a girl to wait for a call. We have connected so deeply that it is almost scary. Another strange thing is that our relationship has become what I had imagined it would be like with my “friend” from this summer. It is as if everything I dreamed about has come true except not in the way that I expected. I am truly blessed to have met this wonderful man. He is sweet, caring, romantic….he treats me like a princess. I don’t understand it at all, it seems too good to be true but it is as if I have met my soulmate. We just fit together…I am trying to just enjoy it rather than over analyze it but he and I are both guilty of “overthinking” things which is I guess, another reason why we get along so well.

My new friend has been absolutely awesome to me and yet I am so fearful just because he hasn’t returned my calls in a couple of days. I know I sound completely irrational but after what happened to me this summer I just can’t help it. My new friend called me New Years Eve and said that he had the feeling that I needed to tell him something or that I needed help. Sometimes when we are together I just look at his face and I get quiet. I don’t want to come out and tell him my feelings because I did that before and it back fired. The thing is that I can’t tell him about last summer because it just doesn’t seem like something I should share with him right now. I have never in my life met someone who treated me so good. He is affectionate, caring, kind, considerate, handsome…. The best kisser :-) I am just not used to it. No man has ever treated me this well including my soon to be ex husband.

I have a lot of issues with how The Church treated me and I don’t want to talk about that right now because he is a “searcher” and I don’t want to turn him off from the things of God. There are just so many sad stories that I don’t feel like talking about them when I am with him, I just want to enjoy his company. I know I need to explain all of this to him but now he isn’t calling me and I am having such a total anxiety attack over it. I don’t want to care so much because the potential to be hurt is still so strong. I just want to talk to him. He knows that I have the day off and I am worried that he just doesn’t want to talk to me Or something bad has happened. I just need to know that everything is OK. I must look so desperate and I don’t want him to think that about me, I am not desperate really, just afraid. I feel like he is a Gift to show me that there are good people out there and I don’t have to settle for anything less. I just want the chance to talk to him and explain some things. I am going crazy thinking that I have already scared him off by my silence at times. Why is it that when you think you are doing the right thing, it turns out that you are not? I just don’t want another broken heart and I don’t want to call him again because I already left 2 messages. Have I blown it already? What the hell is wrong with me?

I did meet a man who I had a feeling was a really good person and I took a chance and called him. We have gone out a couple of times and I was amazed at how much we had in common. Did God or Fate or whatever let us meet? He was going to turn around and leave when he saw me and I was getting ready to leave as well. I noticed him and thought he was nice looking…he made his way over and offered to buy me a drink. I declined but we did talk a little in between the music. He gave me his # and I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship right now and he was OK with that. I finally called several weeks later and I really do believe that he is a fine human being. He is very involved with his kids which to me says a lot right there. I just am not sure how I feel about him. I think I have too many feelings for the Other guy (yes, I know I moved it into the DONE column but what can I say? The feelings creep back and I still feel sad over what happened) I guess we can hang out and see what happens. I am just so conflicted and feel like I really want to be happy on my own but that is hard to do when you feel lonely for male companionship. At any rate, I am glad that my instincts are indeed still there..Of course it makes me wonder all the more just how I could have been so darn wrong about my “Friend”. Who is he anyway? Sometimes it just kills me that I will never know.

Before I met my friend (who has not talked to me in almost 8 weeks now) I was a very open and trusting person and now…well, I don’t know. I just don’t know how I can trust my instincts. I want to, I just don’t feel very confident in this area. I guess I still want answers, I think if I had some answers, maybe I would see that this was an extremely unusual situation (because Everyone who has heard this story has seen it the same way that I did and they think that He is wrong) Not that being “Right” makes me feel a whit better about what happened..it doesn’t. Not one little bit but anyway…I just want to be that person that I was…I just don’t know Where she has gone.