Get back with my ex

I am off today as we had plans to go away and I couldn’t change it at work.

Doing housework and such. Visited friends new precious baby. I woke up this morning feeling very anxious.. it is his Birthday. I couldn’t sleep so I went back to my book (The Secret) I finally got tired and fell bacl asleep. I dreamt that I was sleeping on his couch. I woke up and he walked in. We looked at each other awkwardly. I stood up and said Hi. He said Hi, how are you doing? I said, Good, How are you? We hugged gently at first and then we started holding on as if for Dear Life. I fell over onto the carpet and he with me (LOL) and we just hugged tighter and both started crying. I started running my fingers thru his hair (I loved to do that)

Then I woke up.

That was the first dream I had in weeks. But it was just a dream..nothing more.

Geting thru this day will be Huge. Wish me luck!

I am sick of thinking/talking/crying/ I am sick of this! I was thinking that we were doing the Mature thing by continuing to talk which to a point I still think was good. But…now everything is really on the table, we both know how the other feels. I am feeling like I am definitely Too available to him. Each time we talk he stll shares all his normal life things…we dn’t just talk about us..he tells me the latest about his work, kids, etc… Sooooo if we are broken up by his choice, Why should he still have me to talk to??? I think I will ask him not to call anymore for awhile. I am trying to approach this like a grown up. On the one hand, he ended what was supposed to be a lifetime relationship me so I obviously owe him nothing. On the other hand, we are over 40 and we were that close so it seemed silly not to talk. I dont want to be just friends so if anything else is to happen in the future, I can’t be there for him anymore. He needs to really miss me and he won’t if I am still always there. Plus the old “if you love someone set them free…if they come back it was meant to be, if they don’t they were never yours in the first place.

I also need to stay busier than I have been. Too much time = too much thinking. But when I feel depressed it is hard to get out there. I can walk for what feels like miles…I feel good doing that but I want to be around other people which I can’t do with red rimmed eyes. I had a good day yesterday then when evening hits…there I go, missing him.

Fake it till ya make it I guess.

I talked to him last night and I think I understand him better. He said he misses me but can not be in a relationship right now. I said maybe we can see eachother in a month or so and have dinner and talk. He said he can’t make any promises but he still loves me. All I can hope is that we keep talking and resolve our problems which boiled down to doing too much for eachother without even realizing what the other really wanted. My shrink said that he wants me and he doesn’t want me. He is so overwhelmed right now he had to do something. I am trying to think positive.. I want him in my life..we just need to communicate the way we do now. He said last night that he Loves talking the way we have been. We Should have been talking this way the whole time. I love him and the nights are the worst. It is too quiet in my mind and I want to pray or something but my faith is so far away… I am tired but have trouble sleeping. It is all up in the air. My life and what I thought was going to happen. I am taking a great risk waiting for Him but he is taking a great risk that I will move on. Life is so full of uncertainity any way and the greatest learning always comes out of our greatest pain. I hope I am learning all that I need to because I don’t want to keep down in this valley.. I’d like to be back up on top at least for awhile until the next thing hits. I Love You Darlin’... I want you to feel it altho the miles are seperating us for now.. It is as you chose it to be. I believe that we are meant to be and as I go on for Me, my kids, those who love me…those who need me I will keep the outcome that I desire and look at it always with hope and believing that it will come true.

I don’t know where to begin it has been so long. I have been wraped up in life and work and my kids and my ex fiance… This sucks is all I can say… He broke up with me July 13th after I made him a great dinner and I happened to have my ring off already to be sized at the jeweler and all the advice I get is different and I don’t know what to do. We have talked 4 times since the break up and again I have a shrink that I half think is out to make the relationship fail as her advice differs from week to week . I want to do the right thing and I am not into games and I have no clue.. how do you not talk to someone you were getting ready to marry who says they love you but are too drained for a relationship??? There is so much to tell but I don’t know where to begin….We have real love but maybe can’t live with eachother.. I just don’t know….I will write more soon.