Get rid of the histrionic behavior

I behaved myself well today too. Tomorrow he will go to the hospital so I shouldn’t call him till he comes home and calls me himself. I always miss him so much when he goes to the hospital or to the university. Maybe that’s because I think there he has something more interesting to do than me. But I can’t think this way! This is stupid! So tomorrow I should concentrate and practise the self control.. I want to get up and study until 12:30. Then I can do other things. I also need to make a plan for these days that remain.. I really don’t want to go.. So everything I can do is to use the time I stay here with efficiency and teach my mom about the computer without being afraid of doing this and with no complexes! And being sure she’ll be able to do this.. I also need to plan what I have to do when I return to Rome. Good luck to me! And good dreams!

..even if it’s not about the histrionic behaviour any more..
Step one:
I called him one time, that’s enough. He will recall me when he can. I will wait. Next time I will want for him to call me. Then I can call him again. If I alternate like this I am sure he will feel himself more free!
Later:
I went better now.. but I still lost control in the last minutes. And I saw I was wrong as always. I always think paranoical things.. I’d better try not to share them with others.. because they are completely wrong.. I wonder how many times I got the situations wrong. I don’t want to make my dear people sad.. So next time I will do the same.. I will call him only when I will feel I miss him and when I will be sure to talk good to him! And I want to trust him always.. I know him for such a long time, I should trust him in everything..
Later:
I am getting crazy when he doesn’t come on-line but I have to resist.. I know he will if he can! I have to trust him always!
Later:
So I made it as I planned, I didn’t call him and waited till he called me himself and it worked. I gave him much more feedom and was more happy about that. I wished I could always behave this way. God helps me, this must be my goal number one. I’ve also noticed that I want to be more sincere with people I care about and who care about me. I want to make my loved people happy!

I have to start writing this again. This helped me a lot when I did. Unfortunately I don’t have my own pc in Rome othervise I would have written much more.
I want to be locanic.
I feel I am pressing on him again. I am always pressing on him when I am stressed. And now I am very very stessed. I should always remember not to push him. And please remember:
When he sais he has to go or to go to sleep please let him go!
I know for certain I have to behave this way. Even if I feel bad if we speak little. This will make me also appreciate more the minutes we pass together. Now remains only to do this. I should take much more seriously my decisions. I would like to do nothing in this world just relax. And instead I have to do this. So let’s start.
Tomorrow let’s wait until he contacts me by himself. I know I need much support these days but I can find it within myself. Instead of contacting him all the time I can just do things I have to do.

I feel I am falling in pieces.. I feel I am not as I was before.. This is obvious but I liked myself more how I was.. Now I feel so jelouse of nothing.. I just can’t find a place for myself in this world…

All the problems in my life shake the ground under my feet. I want to rent a flat and live on my own although I don’t feel if I’m able to do it as I barely can cook and don’t clean very often.. I’m afraid of so many things now. I thnk the first thing I have to do is just to stop being afraid! I’m afraid too much! I guess that’s all of my dependency. I’m so dependent on people around me in my life, I’m so tied to them. I wake up in the morning with the desire to let free and exactly that day I have lots of proofs that I don’t let free… :( I wonder what’s wrong with me and if it’s possible to change it. I think so many bad things about myself, as always… I just continue thinking this way. I wonder what was this in my life that made me think this way and that even knowing this my problem and trying to get rid of it I still think bad of myself! I can’t have a blog about hating myself. That’s absurd.. and still I’m writing exactly this here! I can’t believe that my own personal value depends not on what I do but just on the fact that I exist. Maybe if I wrote this phrase one thousand time I could believe in it? But I think of myself as of such a boring, stupid person. I always think of myself this way! Maybe I can think of some ways of not being that boring and stupid if that’s my problem. But I guess my real problem is that I give to much attention to what others think of me and of course not all people think good. I wonder why don’t all people think good of me??? This troubles me so much! I’m just crazy :(! I lost any capability of thinking rationaly. What does it mean? That I need a rest and meditation. I’m really tired lately. I just don’t know how to behave because all my possible behavior passes though so many filters of thinking if this is good to do so or not. And after all I don’t behave myself always in a good way and so suffer afterwards. The best thing for me now, I think, would be to go to live alone and to leave this family I currently live in. But I have doubts as always. I’m always in the sea of doubts. And of course nobody can decide this instead of me. This is like when I was going to Rome. Nobody could decide for me if to go here or not. The same thing now. I have to take the decision by myself and I’m afraid if I take the right one! I guess I have to take a pen and a paper and draw and write every pro and contro… which I’m going to do right now!

Lately I noticed that I couldn’t control myself and behaved not in the manner I should have to… so I took out my old psychiatry book, that I am really happy I’ve bought it. In the times when everything goes well I think it’s not that usefull, but when I suddenly am under a huge stress and don’t know how to behave myself and so start treating badly those people I love, I am happy I have the book,I take it out and read. I am surprised that my relationships improved the day after I started reading it this time. This is really wonderful! I know I should always remember to read it and behave accordingly even when everything goes well. Because if I don’t read it for a long time, I just forget how it is to behave well (which is really strange, seems to be impossible to forget of) and start behaving in a wrong way.

Again yesterday I was insupportable! I tried to control myself but I couldn’t. I just felt I had to tell everything I told as if that was my living need. And in fact it was’t. I didn’t tell anything clever or even anything I really thought. I just told bad things and that’s all. I even don’t know why. Maybe only to have attention. This constant search for attention is horrible! I’d wish to make peace but I don’t know how. This would mean to admit I was wrong. And before admitting it I have at least to feel being wrong.
I was offended because I didn’t get as much attention as I wanted. I always want only the attention. If I don’t get it I struggle and become very sad. This thought is like a fixation. If I try thinking of something else and being more gay, all this explodes after like a bomb. I guess I just have to admit I constantly need attention. I think I have to tell this to R in some way, without any critics, just to say I want to have more atention and feel sad if I don’t get it. On my own side I have to do something in order to get rid of this dependency. I don’t know if I succeed but I deffinitely have to try. I have to rid my psichiatric book about dependencies now. I know things written there are hard to admit but I want to try to do this.

I’ve noticed this happens to me when something that shakes me happens. I just have to know that in these situations I have to control myself much more… So I want to call him only when I feel that I’m calling because of my love not because of my need or aspect him calling me by himself. I’ve done this many times before so I think I can try once again. I’m just so desperate that I don’t know how to stay in Italy for the next year…

I’ve understood that in any doubt it’s better to talk always and not be afrai of this!

Well, I should stop behaving like a helpless girl although I feel myself exactly like this! I’m so emotionaly unstable now! So now I want to concentrate all my forces exactly on this! Whatever happens I want to stay calm and follow the destiny! And I want to be a bit more optimistic which is so hard while all those things that happen lately happen.