So today I have so much to do on my own. I feel so tired and helpless.
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StupendaFanciulla has written 4 entries about this goal
The same list of things I need to do and decide on my own..
2. Clean my room.
That’s so hard for me.. that’s hard because dependence has penetrated in all parts of my life and it has been there for years.
I want to ask for help if not phisical then psychological every 5 min if not more frequently.. And I feel desperate by not asking for it :(. I feel desperate not asking all of my friends, R and my mom before doing something.. even the most easiest thing! :S
I feel desperate and lost before taking even simpliest decision :(..
so let’s make a list of things I need to decide today and cope with them one after another.. ohhh… what a suffering!!
1. Choose the size and colour of a bag to take with me to Poland.. MAYBE I decided on the size.. (of course yesterday I’ve already asked advice of my mom, of R, of all the shopassistents, I just can’t believe I can make a wize decision on my own.. that’s soo hard!!!).. Ok, I take the little size.. What about the colour?! What model? There are two models: one weights less, the other weights more.. But the one that weights more is of a heigher quality.. soo… well, I’ll take the one that weights more! Ok, so I’ve decided on this thing too! Then.. what about the colour: red or blue? I noticed blue first, it seems to me more serious.. but the red one is easier to notice! I would like to ask my mother’s advice so much about this!! I can’t believe I can make a good decision on my own :(! I’m afraid I will mistake.. :’( this is too hard… Well, I’ll let it rest and decide in some hours…
2. At work try as much as I can to resolve all my questions and doubts on my own.
With this I am already coping rather well! The initial inner resistence was rather slight.
3. Tell on my work that I am going away for a week. I am so afraid of doing this! I don’t know if to tell where I go or not.. :( I don’t want them to be jelouse by thinking that I am taking a vacation while they don’t.. They would understand it if I went home to see my mom, but I go not to my home country but anyway to meet my mom. I decided to do so because this way my mom sees a foreign country too. And also because in order to come to Italy she needs to have some visa in the passport.. Well.. I could explain all of this to my colleagues but I don’t usually like to tell my private things because sometimes I tell too much of them.
I am SO dependent! I am like a baby.. It seems I can’t survive on my own :(.. I have the desire to ask for help so often! I am so used to it. :/ I want to try to be less dependent. Every time I will want to ask for help in anything I want to think of some way of doing it by myself.. Although I don’t want! I feel so good when I have only to assign duties to people around me.. Actually I have achieved such a good level of assigning duties to others that I could manage some corporation. To everybody I gave duties they could cope with and that were of their specialization or of their inclinations.. I found it so creative :S.. And now I realised I am too dpendent on others. I can’t cope with life on my own. I constantly have to be with somebody and I always want to share every activity I am doing.. Well, just to say, I always want to share but I actually don’t as in addition I can’t stay the presence of other people for a long time.. I mean if we talk about some unpleasent things my unsteady internal equilibrium is shaken and I have my crazy attacs again :(.. Now I am thinking how bad is that I can’t even watch a movie without being afraid in what way it will affect me.. When I watch cruel movies I get mad afterwards, I get angry with people who made me watch them.. I don’t know why. Then if it’s me who decide to watch it then it’s ok I can put up with it even if I can still be affected by it in some way..
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