learn to love and accept myself

Why do I often feel the need to criticize myself very harshly? It’s not encouraging, supportive, educational, or motivating. It’s usually stating the obvious – a fact about myself that can’t be changed with the snap of my fingers.

What’s the point here .. why do I do this?

I think that I need to learn ABOUT myself before I can love and accept myself. This is a continuation of yesterday.

I have learned that I am a procrastinator. Given a choice, I would much rather nap or put it off until tomorrow than get down to business. I like to be lazy, I like to relax and goof off.

I also like the way I feel when I do finally accomplish something, pride? I don’t like saying prideful or proud, that seems too .. hmm .. too .. what is it?

I find some kind of joy in not enjoying or accepting praise when it is given to me. “Oh, it was nothing”, “it was easy to do, nothing special”. Keep reminding myself to accept praise and compliments with grace and a thank you.

The word JUST is used way too often in my vocabulary. It’s just me, it’s just my feelings, it’s just the way I am, it was just a simple little thing I did. ‘Just’ diminishes me, and the things that I do. Instead of describing using the word ‘just’, I can use other words.

Today, I had a counselling session with a social worker from the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association). We have been meeting on a regular basis, dealing with depression, chronic pain, grief and other issues in my life. This young man is very good as his job, he is professional, polite, but yet compassionate, knowledgeable and gentle. We can talk freely and I don’t feel threatened in any way.

Since my dear father passed away in December, I am the sole caretaker of my mum. I am the only child, as was my father, mum’s family are all in England. I am becoming burnt out. We discussed this today, I am short tempered and snapping at her, then I feel horrible inside. I have depression and agoraphobia, I want to stay home, she asks .. when are are going out, I haven’t been to Wal-Mart in sooooo loooong? Wal-Mart overwhelms me when it’s busy, the aisles are cluttered and the public address system is blaring, music playing, children running, too many choices, bright fluorescent lights, people pushing and shoving, bumping into me. Most times, it’s way more than I can handle and I have a panic attack. People with me can see it happening, I get red in the face, sweaty, short of breath, irritated and short tempered .. then boom, I have to leave, get out of the store, back outside and to my car. Relief.

He told me that it is normal for me to feel overwhelmed and that I need to take some time for myself, away from mum, doing activities that I enjoy. Did I mention that mum lives just across the hall from me in her own apt.? LOL I love my mum, a lot, she is a dear. I need to balance my responsibilities to her with taking care of myself and not feeling guilty.

On Tuesday night I attended a native beading class. It was awesome! I was with a small group of strangers, knew only one woman there, and learning something new. For three hours I blissfully poked holes in moosehide and strung my beads to create a turtle. This will eventually become part of a small leather purse. Mum had expressed an interest in joining me, I had to politely tell her no, I needed to do this to ‘get away’. She pouted and said .. from ME? Umm .. well .. yes. We discussed it again this evening and she now understands that I will be no help to her, no use to anyone if I don’t take care of my own issues first – depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, chronic pain.

I just turned this one into a daily reminder. As I am about to turn 41 in a few days, I need to be reminded more and more to love and accept myself. There are times I feel like I am such a failure because I am not a wife and mother.

God has a plan for everyone, I understand that, but sometimes I don’t like that plan, I want MY plan to work out! :-) It’s hard to accept that my life didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to.

I’ve complete two weeks of this course at our local women’s shelter. We have some homework to do, and it actually feels JOYFUL to do this homework, because it’s helping me to open my eyes to myself, boosts self-esteem and enables me to meet with other women that are facing challenges in their lives.

This week, a program called “Positive Pathways” begins at our local women’s shelter. It has come just at the right time, I need the companionship of other women, and will take this time to mourn the loss of my relationship with Bob, and to heal.

God / Goddess does not make junk, so why should I treat myself as if I am junk? Every human is one of a kind, unique, and a present to the world.

There are no perfect beings, I can accept that.

One person’s idea of perfection does not equal another person’s idea of perfection, so .. how can anyone or anything be perfect to all people? Simple, it can’t.

This ‘thing’ also relates to self-respect, self-acceptance, self-esteem. How does a person increase these things without becoming obnoxious and too full of themself? :-)