get better

Phew! Kind of regret writing that entry now, but I just needed to vent. This is such a strong subject for me and I feel this is the only place I can express my emotions without worrying too much about what others think. I need to start making things happen; I’ve sat on my arse for far too long, although starting my course this year was a big step. I’ve been looking into the law of attraction and yes it does seem too good to be true, but there are a few cases in which it has worked for me subtly; coincidence…who knows but it sure is fun!!!

Now about updates on appointments: My last appointment was at the end of Nov(24hr holter moniter)and before then at beginning of month Nov(ecg check up etc). I have a feeling if the results come back as normal I may not be allowed to have the treadmill test as it wont be ‘necessary’, needless to say I think I’ll push for it anyway. I NEED my health to be sorted or at least to know whats going on with this body of mine :S

To be honest I’ve had enough of waiting now. I’m tired. I’m ANGRY. My hormones are all over the place. I’m burnt out. oh and did I forget to say ANGRY!!!!! I feel I’m one of those people that can’t cope with day to day things like others. Life’s such a struggle at the moment, but it’s only what I’ve made it I guess. You could say I’m a bit bitter about the way things have turned out, but I still can’t let go of the past. I felt SO good back then, full of energy, nothing could stop me from doing what I wanted but that was 7 years ago. I’ve had enough of people judging me because I don’t have a job, people need to see things from others perpectives sometimes. I don’t mean to rant, I just want others to understand oh and ENERGY would be good…I NEED ENERGYYYYY ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thought I’d update this before I forgot all the important stuff…welll….where do I start; since writing my last entry, I didn’t have much luck with the private specialist(see a specialist goal)but I think I might change the status to ‘worth doing’ because some good has come of it….
...to cut a story short, I got tonsillitis in August and it was pretty bad! I stayed in for 2 whole weeks and ended up in hospital for a few days on a drip as I’d lost so much weight; swallowing was a nightmare, I couldn’t get any food down in the end!

Anyhow the main point of this story was that, whilst going to the doctors for a diagnosis on my throat, the ‘private specialist’ had sent a letter to my doctor saying he was referring me to another specialist= fantastic news and doesn’t cost a penny! I’ve just found out my appointment’s in less than 2 weeks; I’m terrified as it could mean they’ll be performing certain tests on me including the dreaded exercise/stress test! I haven’t exercised properly for nearly 2 years as I get so bad, but I’m not sure if the machine would pick it up OR worse still I would pass out and something terrible could happen…oh GOD I’m scared…soo sooo unbelievably SCARED!!!!!!

Got a call from the hospital today to arrange times for my ‘private’ appointment. I couldn’t believe how quickly they got back to me! I should hopefully be getting a call back sometime to schedule the appointment :D need all the luck I can get with this!!!!!!!!!!!

I decided I’d had enough of trying to get through myself and let my mother ring the doctor’s instead. It’s typical how I tryed nearly every day for 2 weeks, whereas she tryed once and gets an appointment booked straight away. Anyhow, for once the doctor took me seriously! I’m not entirely sure why, but whenever I go into detail about how ill I’ve felt for the past few years, people really sympathise with me; it feels amazing!(people don’t usually believe how bad I feel)
The doctor felt my heartbeat and said he’s not 100% sure, but I might have an irregular heartbeat. He referred me to a private specialist this time because I’ve been waiting far too long on the NHS!
Well I’m not going to get my hopes up completely as that always ends in disappointment, but I need to have faith in getting better :) ahhh I love making things happen…wish me luck :D

Got a call from the hospital saying they’ve got a spare place for me at the last minute, literally, but it was too short notice!That could have been my chance ;( On a more positive note, at least progress is being made…

SO I’m trying to push along seeing a specialist as its been 2 months already and still nothing!!!!!!I’ve tryed ringing twice in two days and all I get is, ‘sorry we’re fully booked now’, however early I ring!Gets me so freaking angry grrr grrr grrr grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I finally went to the doctor’s; he was even listening and being surprisingly nice for once(they’re usually arseholes in my experience) I wouldn’t leave until I made my point clear I wanted to go see a specialist and he agreed!!!!!Very proud of myself I must say, just wonder how long the waiting list will be ahhhhh!!

Finally got the courage to book a doctor’s appointment, well my boyfriend, but anyway…turned up on time and the surgery was closed!!JUST MY LUCK!!why did they give me the wrong time when it said on the door they shut 2 hours earliar than my appointment…now I know why I hate doctors lol!