Allow myself to only be treated well by the people I choose to have friendships and relationships with. If they do not, I need to find the courage to move on without them.

And I went back through some of my posts to reminisce.

(I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!! LMFAO)

Slowly I can see a pattern. (Much too slowly,) I got rid of the assholes and fuckbags that were cluttering up my life, and you know what? Life is so much better.

I should have got rid of the garbage years ago!

My advice to YOU is do the same. Would you keep a chair that had a tac in it and it poked you in the ass every time you sat down? I would call that chair “garbage” and put it out on the lawn.

Do the same with all the pain in the asses in your life.

adj. Of, relating to, or caused by a toxin or other poison.

Who needs that shit?

I can not, and will not ask. Each of us only does what they feel is right. I know that.

I have to do what I feel is right too.

Things are blessings in disguise.

Yes, even being stamped “Not Worth It”, has had an up side.

It is hard to be lonely. Worse to feel rejected, but staying in a place that I was not treated well, was the worst of all.

He won’t let me. To this day, he continues to torture me. No, he doesn’t lay a hand on me, but the torture continues.

How did I get trapped in my own damn house?

There’s no escape.

And even if I did, I have no where to go…

Dunno

I make these rules for a reason.

Rule one: Those on the do not talk to list, should not be talked to.

And yet…

live this goal…

Why is it so fookin hard? I know I was not treated well, loved for who I am, respected in any way, shape or form.

I know this, in my little head, I know.

Still my heart breaks. My heart won’t let go.

NO. I will not allow myself to be treated without respect.

On the other hand…

NO. I don’t want to move on, but NO, I don’t have a choice.

NO. I don’t forgive you, and NO, I don’t hate you.

I have NO courage…

Treated well

Treated with respect

Treated with kindness

I don’t expect to always agree with you or you with me. I don’t expect to never be hurt by you. These things are a part of life. Bad stuff does happen… It’s called life!!!

Through the hurt, the disagreements, the pain and disappointments, I treat you with respect. I will not ever ‘fight dirty’. Ever.

I remember the past hurts that you’ve caused. Have you noticed I won’t bring them up in a disagreement? Have you noticed I will not say anything to hurt you in a disagreement? I never want to do something that would intentionally hurt you ever. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!! GET IT???

(Yes, I do think those hurtful things. I think of all things I can say to make YOU hurt as bad as I hurt. I won’t say them.)

To me, THAT is being part of loving, adult relationship.

It’s not what you or I do for physical comfort in times of need. It’s how we treat each other that shows love.

Do you get what I’m saying???

Intentional hurt. Intentional meanness. Intentional games.

I allowed it. I knew your intent, to hurt, to play a game of some sort… I knew. Instead of running the other way, I ran into your arms.

You know what? I don’t blame you. How fucked up is that? I DON’T BLAME YOU!

My fault. I allowed it.

This relationship has gone from painful to toxic at record speed.

TOXIC You read that right. It is toxic, I blame myself. I love you, I hate myself. FUCKED UP TOXIC RELATIONSHIP!!!

If I hit the save button on this post, you will yell at me.

Let’s see… Getting yelled at, toxic relationship… All you have to do is rape me/hit me and you will be on the same level as my ex.

And I allowed it.

Fuck me if I’m a joke

I’m so laughing my ass off, I forgot I had this goal.

I’m not living this one… I need help… or more to drink…

If I didn’t laugh, well, it beats the alternative

Allow myself to only be treated well…

What does “treated well” really mean?

Open question… Any answers greatly appreciated.