stop binge-eating

I haven’t gotten back to everyone… I see there are a lot of new people on now and reading all of your entries makes me want to cry. I am doing SO WELL since getting out of treatment. The treatment facility I was at is a Rader Program (google it). It’s called Pacific Shores Hospital in Oxnard, CA. Every single post I’ve read makes my heart break for you. I know exactly how you’re feeling and the ONLY way out is to get help. It’s not about the food… it’s about feelings and you need help sorting all that out. A month of inpatient therapy is equal to a year of outpatient therapy. For those of you who do not go to outpatient therapy it’s better than nothing, but so many of you really need inpatient therapy!!! It’s covered by insurance! The program I was at in california is wonderful. They take all types of eating disorders, even compulsive overeaters. I would have never considered going if I hadn’t hit rock bottom and was so depressed that I could barely make it to work. I never thought my eating disorder was “bad enough” to go because I was normal weight. Guys… if it’s affecting your daily life, ITS BAD ENOUGH. It’s not normal to get on the scale 10 times per day. ITS NOT! It’s not normal to let that number RULE YOUR LIFE. I haven’t weighed myself in 3 months (they made me throw my scale away) and I haven’t binged in 3 months. I haven’t restricted in 3 months or used diuretics, laxatives, or compulsive exercising. And guess what…. my clothes fit better than ever. I look great and I feel great… I have energy now…. My nails grow. I got my period for the first time in a year and a half (don’t know if that’s good or not…) And best of all…. all the time I spent obsessing about food and hating myself… now I’m LIVING MY LIFE. It’s wonderful. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. Being at the program changed my entire life… and saved it. I never could have done it without being inpatient. They had to literally make me eat all my meals for me to see that I won’t blow up like a balloon if I actually eat. I didn’t! I eat (I’m not supposed to count… but once in a while….) 2000-2200 cals/day! I haven’t worked out in 3 months! My clothes fit better than they did before the program.

Please… I beg you… check into the Rader program. Most all of the staff there have eating disorders as well, even the physicians. They know what they’re doing. YOU ARE SO WORTH IT. Don’t waste another day of your life hating yourself. Life is too short!

I’m currently in an inpatient eating disorder program. I’ve been here for 2 weeks and I’m staying another 2 weeks. It’s a great program. I began with anorexia at age 12 then to the binge/restrict cycle. It’s been 18 years and I’m finally getting the help that I need. For those of you that don’t think that you need or deserve help… you do…. THIS IS AN EATING DISORDER. People die from binge eating just as they die from anorexia and bulimia. Get help. Please.

Read my previous post. I’m eating more food than I have in my entire life outside of bingeing and all they let us do is walk moderately and I’m LOSING WEIGHT. You need to stop obsessing. I know it’s scary as hell… God, I know… that’s why you need help.

Hey guys…

Still here… not much time to write… rigorous schedule here. Sounds like you guys are doing pretty well :) Basically… Were bingeing because we’re hungry for something else… usually love and acceptance and more likely self love. We need to create a meal plan based on food EXCHANGES, NOT CALORIES. Numbers are bad and triggering. Scales are triggering. So maybe see a nutritionist… the meal plan i’m on right now is breakfast 3 pro, 2 carb, 1 fruit, 1 fat, 1 dairy. Lunch 3 pro, 2 carb, 1 veg, 1 fat, 1 fruit. Dinner 3 pro, 2 carb, 2 fat, 1 veg, 1 dairy. Before you freak out the servings are pretty small. It’s the American Dietetic Association food exchange. It’s much easier (in relation to not obsessing) than counting calories. You eat the meal plan and that’s it. I feel so much better without the numbers. You really should quit the weighing too. Once your body gets used to regular substantial meals your hunger and satiety signals will normalize and you will just stop bingeing. Period. But it is a lot of food. For a week I was stuffed. But it works. But remember ITS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD. Hope you guys are well.

Okay I can’t believe I’m doing this but I’m going to that inpatient program tomorrow. It’s covered by insurance so I only have to pay my deductible which is $2000. If it will help me then it’s well worth it. I paid $2000 to that crook therapist and it got me nowhere. I pray that finally this will help me.

So good luck to everyone. If I can get online there I’ll let you know how it’s going…

I give up. This disorder is far greater than I am. Not only did I buy cigarrettes this morning, I just got home from driving to two different jack in the boxes to buy large milkshakes (it’s 2 am here). I’ve been doing this for FIFTEEN YEARS. What makes me think I can stop now? I’ve tried infinite times and am always back to the same spot. I surrender. I’m going to check myself into that treatment program… my only fear is that it won’t work either (3 therapists couldn’t fix me) and then I really will be bankrupt and lose my house and everything. This disorder has ruined my life.

Glad to hear everyone is doing well.

It’s in Oxnard, CA which is 10 mins from me.

http://www.raderprograms.com/index.aspx

Why am I such an idiot? Does someone who has been an alcoholic for years march into a bar and order a drink when he’s trying to quit? Ugh… I felt so good that I didn’t binge yesterday… I went to the gym and because I had more carbs than usual the nite before I had a super duper workout… I felt great when I came home and went to work… so good, in fact that I thought… “just to prove how great I am, I’m gonna eat this brownie.” (Yes brownies… there was whole tray of them at work… they all secretly have it out for me). So I had one… it was good… back to work. Went to the kitchen to fill my water… had another one… good but uh okay maybe I should eat real food now so I don’t eat any more. Ate the salad. Retured to kitchen to rinse bowl. Brownie #3. And at this point it’s only about 12:30. Not even halfway… Tried to keep busy (pretty slow again last night)... Through the rest of the night I had about 12 graham crackers, then I ate the rice and beans that I brought ( which were supposed to be my carbs but since I ate all the carbs in the brownies I felt guilty for eating the rice and beans….) long ago I used to eat brownies like that and I could compensate by not eating anything else …. and I stayed thin…. how did I do that? Now if I eat brownies I just want a lot more brownies… So anyway…. graham crackers then beans and rice. Thought to myself, “This is bull**. I might as well just start smoking again.” (I quit in October for like the 5th time… this is the pattern… quit, gain weight, struggle, start again, lose weight, want to be healthy, quit, repeat repeat.) Smoking is so yucky but you know what? It works. It’s the only thing that really kills your appetite. It’s great… if you leave out the cancer part. Minor detail. Honestly some days I think I’d rather get cancer and die than be fat. But then again, no one wants to be with a smoker either… not that I smoked that much… I don’t know… all I know is that I never should have eaten the first brownie. How many times have I done this? At least a thousand. I should know better. So anyway…. on the way home almost stopped to buy cigarrettes. Drove past. Felt good when I got home that I didn’t buy cigarrettes so what did I do? Ate bread. 5 pieces today. With almond butter. About 3 Tbsp.

Is that a binge? I can tell you if it is it’s a minor one for me… the fact that I didn’t go to the grocery store and buy the really bad stuff is always a bonus… I guess technically this could be overeating too… but you see I’m pushing the envelope now. WHY TO I HAVE TO HIT BOTTOM BEFORE I CAN FEEL GOOD AGAIN? It’s almost like it’s inevitable. I didn’t binge yesterday but that’s still not enough… I still feel that restless “bingey” feeling. Like I can’t relax.
Sometimes I’ve thought that it’s physiological… like my body needs carbs so after I get them then my mood is improved… (You need carbs to make serotonin in your brain ) But I obviously got carbs yesterday so why do I still feel like bingeing?

WTF?!

I might be smoking later… I just don’t know what else to do. will NOT gain any more weight….

Maybe I need to get off of night shift. But that’s not for 2 months.

I don’t know…. :(

Don’t know why that’s in bold… I didn’t do that. Oh I see… they took the asterisks out from the swear words. Keep that in mind. I’m sure you can figure them out.

So this is about the time I crack and of course I almost did at work. I hate them all. Of course it was another nurse’s birthday. I gladly saunter in with my veggie tray and bam… there’s candy. There’s cake. Yellow with chocolate frosting- my favorite. F! I just want to scream at these people, “How dare you bring cake in here! Where’s the fruit?! We’re in friggin southern California!!!” Somehow I always thought that everyone in the L.A. area is skinny and perfect and eats perfectly. No. They eat cake.

I held out most of the night… I did eat a few twizzlers… then I ate the salad that I packed. Of course it wasn’t busy… I hate that. I’d rather run my a off all night because then I don’t think about food. Anyone who has ever worked night shift knows that 3 am is “the witching hour”. So yeah I had cake. A big piece. And then I had some crackers with this olive stuff on top. But then I stopped. Good good… was feeling good when I left at 7… like “K crisis averted…” Then when I got home I ate 4 pieces of bread. Bad and good I guess… It just seems so freakish to me to eat 4 pieces of bread at a time (even though it’s only 400 calories… who eats 4 pieces of bread?) But then I stopped. With my hand on the refrigerator door I told myself “STOP. RIGHT. NOW.” Then I went to bed.

So is this day 7? I think so. I overate but I didn’t binge and there is a difference. Normally if I screwed up at work I would stop at the store on the way home and pick up chocolate and soy ice cream and eat it all… Cake and bread is way better, imo.

So we’ll see… usually after I screw up one day I keep it going for at least one more… but I feel okay today… Other than the fact that I know in my head that cake and bread is not going to get me any closer to fitting into my bikini and summer is just around the corner… But I guess I can’t think that way… I’ve heard that you can’t try to stop bingeing and lose weight at the same time (why not, dammit?) And I definitiely need to stop bingeing more… otherwise I’ll end up gaining more weight.

It’s just so frustrating!!! One year ago I was in Vegas in size 2 miniskirts and I looked hot… Now I can’t even get them over my a*. I hate it hate it hate it. Why is my self worth all tied up in my weight? Of course I had a boyfriend then… that always helps. Knowing that someone else is going to see me naked is a pretty good motivator. Plus just the self-esteem boost that having a bf inherently provides.

But… I’m not as active as I was last year either… I go to the gym just as much… but (did I mention that I’m a traveling nurse and I’m in Cali right now? I live in PA and have a house there… I’m also on a 1 yr LOA from a master’s program…) I’m not as active all the time… I love having a house because there’s so much work to do…. Cleaning… yardwork… so much opportunity for calorie-burning and not thinking about food… Plus I was in school and working full time so I was super busy… my mind was always going… and I didn’t think about food as much. Here I’m staying in an apartment…. I can’t stand it. Not only am I not going to school so I don’t have that distraction but there’s no yard work or anything… So what do I do with all that time? You’re looking at it (literally). I never watched TV, now I watch a ton. I’m going home in May ( I can’t wait… Cali is nice but I don’t think I could live here) and I’m hoping I’ll get back to normal (In last year’s summer clothes…) Because somehow if I obsess about it here and try to lose weight it just makes the bingeing worse.

This all makes my head hurt.

Anyhow… if anyone is still reading this (ok if not… I needed to get it out), hopefully you’re doing well!

Well, off to the gym then work. There can’t be cake. Lightning can’t strike twice in the same place, right?

Oh and I’m out of time so… a cheer for everyone :)

I just have to say I’m really glad that we are able to support each other. I’ve read things before… Shape magazine has forums and there are really good ones about eating disorders… I’ve read them for a long time but I could never post because they have so many members they aren’t taking any more. I think this is really helpful.

Day 5 (almost 6, but who’s counting? Ok, yeah, me) Feeling pretty good. I even had 2 pieces of chocolate at work last night… and it didn’t trigger anything. I surprised even myself. I was a little afraid earlier… I came home from the gym and was starving and ate 3 pieces of bread but I was able to stop there…(I’ve eaten like 10 in a sitting before, I think.)

I have to work the next 3 nights which is always very stressful for me (loss of control thing… plus night shift just screws everything up…) so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m glad you’re all here…. (I wish you didn’t have to be… but you know what i mean).