stop being paranoid

That’s the date when I have my first meeting with a psychologist. I’m glad that I’m finally working with this goal, but I’m also scared; this far it’s been easy to just ignore my problems, pretend like they don’t even exist, but now when I’m actually trying to solve them it suddenly feels so real.
But I know it’s a right thing to do, I can’t live like this forever.

I wonder when I’m going to reach this goal.

Now I’m not even going to school, because being there with all those people is too hard. I know I’ll need to go there someday and I’m just prolonging it further and further, but every single day makes it harder to go.
I should be doing something to this. Well, in a way I am, I’m continually trying to solve this mess in my head. But still I spend most of the time alone in my room, only wanting to lie in my bed and sleep all my problems aways. And it doesn’t work that way.
I don’t want to kill myself. A year ago I wanted to, I wasn’t completely sure, but I still wanted it. These days I understand that life is a gift, specially when I live in a country like Finland, but I’m getting tired and I wouldn’t mind if a car drove over me today. And that thought makes even myself sad.

Wish I even knew where to start healing myself.

I was bullied at school for almost four years, and after that I’ve become really paranoid. Always when I walk past people it feels like they’re staring at me and whispering about me, and that makes me really nervous. It’s also hard to get close with friends, because I can’t stop thinking that they’re laughing at me whenever I turn my back.