post letters here that i would never send

I don’t think I can wait for two months until I see you again. I might end up doing something stupid.. like confessing my love for you on the radio or getting your name tattooed across my forehead. Umm.. maybe not those things..

Hahahahaha i have SIXTEEN THOUSAND words to write in 18 days and instead i’m thinking about you! God dammit why do i find that funny?!!?

You don’t understand who you are or where you’re going and you’re stuck in a pointless relationship with a man who is dragging you down. He’s not a bad person, but you of all people need someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I really hope you can be happy soon.

I’ve thought about you before I’ve gone to sleep hoping that I would dream about you for almost 3 years now; it’s probably worked about ten times. I told someone recently that the reason I still think about you is because it’s natural to still think about the last person you felt strongly about when there’s no one new in your life. I’ve been in denial about how I feel about you because I didn’t see the point but a friend told me recently that you still have feelings for me, he asked me if I would’ve kissed you back had you tried to kiss me and I told him no because you were too drunk but when I think about it I know I would’ve.. even though you fell off you chair and could barely text you were so wasted. I think I really might be in love with you and it scares me as much as it excites me. I hope I’m not building things up in my mind for nothing. I’m told you’re the perfect person for me haha.. I think it might be true.

Dear me,

You are so full of shit and you’re really good at lying to yourself.
.. congratulations?!

One day i will just be one person.
Not a barrage of personalities that change like the wind depending on who i’m with.. just one person.
Not Daddy’s little girl, the dutiful friend, the bitchy companion.. just one person.
One day i will be able to be in a place with all the people that i have ever met, knowing that i only have to be ONE person.
I dilute myself, i protect myself, i’m pulling myself apart.
It’s making me brain dead, it’s making my soul dead..
Why can’t i just be one fuuuucking person?

I almost feel as if i’ve exhausted all words to describe how i feel about you.. but it isn’t that, it’s just there are so very few words to explain.. you? To explain me would be a start, maybe that would begin to unravel this all.. i lost you before i even found you because i think i’m trying to destroy myself but there’s one small part of me that wants to be, that wants to exist in spite of the person i try constantly to impress, the man who deserves nothing, i will always give him my love, he is the only man i will love unconditionally, the only person i will always forgive no matter what, you can’t be him, and i don’t want you to be.. this doesn’t make any sense.. i think i just love you. That’s all. But i don’t know how to love you, i’m stuck in a limbo of my own making.

I MISS YOU you idiot!!
I need you in my life.. but i wouldn’t even know how to go about telling you that without it seeming like i wanted something more.
Maybe one day i’ll have the courage to say something.
Merry Christmas x

You don’t know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight

You’re everything I hope for
You’re everything I need…

This has got to die
This has got to stop.

C.

I’m so angry with you.. I thought you were different, i thought you were unique.. beyond that, i just didn’t think you would be this way whether you were special or not. That’s life i guess. Thanks for reminding me that you can’t rely on anybody.