dream about my future

Today I finally finished the round of interviews and writing tests required for this job in Montréal… the stress of speaking in French… it has finally eased. I think that I did good. All I know is that I did my best, and I feel great about that. Hallelujah! I really couldn’t have done more.

So now I wait. I might have a job in my field come next week, or else, I will just keep volunteering in my field and head back to Alberta at some point, where the jobs are a plenty… even with the recession on. Note to everyone else: Western Canada is STILL gonna be a hotbed in the next five years… It’s still worth it to make your way there… the pay is higher, the hours are longer, the politics are …well, they’re a changin’ cuz everyone is moving there!!! So the artwork is improving, the diversity is diversifying, the cultural opportunities are opening up for young artists… why did I leave again? Oh yeah, to learn French and to take a break from the workhorse :D

Mission accomplished (almost).

like staying up all night is stupid.
I’m exhausted.
I just know I’ll be cranky tonight at my dinner party.

includes opportunities for everyone
my future has no glass ceilings
my future places people above things
my future places compassion on par with insight

that my last assignment is submitted for this module.
that my Christmas cards are written and popped into the friendly red mailbox.
that all of my Christmas presents are wrapped and waiting to be delivered.
that I begin next season’s module… and look with anticipation to utilizing the templates and study skills that I am developing right now.

if God gives you strength, it means that you will have much to bear?

...perhaps it is not a huge weight all throughout your life, but maybe it is an almost impossible weight, just, at one, moment…

...perhaps it is someone that you have to carry for a long long time.

is this bad really? is this “my lot in life” as they say?

...perhaps my upbringing has inured me to suffering. maybe i really haven’t felt suffering at all.

there is fear. and then. there is fear.

God has protected me from many things.

He has blessed me soooooooo richly, i almost can’t even believe that i am awake. the six-year-old in me would scarcely dare to dream of such a life.

sometimes i’m not certain what to pray for… sometimes the answers come back in a way that i just don’t understand… the picture is before me… but it doesn’t jive with my reality. these are the moments when He’s challenging me to an adventurous path. these images of leaps and bounds that i would never willingly take… these are the smooth round stones that i know He would turn into gold if i just reach out, step out, trust, have faith in Him.

today was the first time in a long long time that i felt like bawling and disappearing into the floor… the lies that the heart believe are so stupid and unrealistic, but they just eat me alive. such a small short comment sent me into rounds and bouts of humiliation and self-hatred… it’s sad to see that my self esteem is so weak still. here i thought i was getting stronger, moving forward, getting things done. when all along it’s the same shit. took my hubby an hour to convince me that i’m loving and lovable, and nothing like my father… but i still question this… even though i’m not feeling it right now… i wish i could love other people more… stop being so selfish… stop being so self-focused, abrupt, direct, cranky, grumpy, rude and mean. (oh wow, look, i just described my dad)

what a neurosis. i make myself sick.

I just looked through some of my “completed” goals and, man, there are some doozies in there. Things I never thought I’d complete! But the mountain was climbed again and again. And I’ll get through this one too. I don’t like looking toward the future. I like looking only at today. But these assignments need some forethought and some planning. It would feel so good to get them done today. I gotta focus on that. On how good it would feel. Maybe that will get me though ; )

a single room in Scotland with internet, breaky, and only 5 minutes walk to the university!

((sigh)) this is going to be lovely… now, the marathon to complete tasks to get to this date. forward-ho!

I know it seems strange, but I can feel this change coming over me… like ‘a leaf has been turned’...

I can talk a lot about oil. Who knew that I’d one day be an expert on talking about petrol? And whoever knew that one day I wouldn’t need to learn about oil anymore?

Everytime my eye lands on a book about Jewish history. About the Holocaust. About New York. About Berlin. It devours… It yearns… It makes my mouth want to TASTE somehow.

Yup. Something has definitely ‘changed’ and I’m realizing it and owning it today.

I’ve read this book The History of Love so many times already. I want to be able to quote it freely. I want to meet Mr. Gursky and be his friend. I want to bake him a cake for his birthday. I want to hide with him in a tree or bury my face in the dirt…. I haven’t been that close to dirt since I was so small… Funny how I can still remember how surprisingly cold it is… How it smells and tastes different from everyotherthing.