Give God All of Me

and read a bunch of the prayers that I had written to God during transition-times, and discovered that I like the way this young girl sounds. I LIKE me; She sounds nice, and cheerful, and hopeful and reliant on God, and trusting in His ability and authority over her life. Wow. What a discovery… Despite my greatest fears, maybe I’m not such a basket-case afterall. It’s good to know that, at least, in my most trying moments, my reaching out and pleas with God are actually filled with praise and worship and not faced upon my own problems at all. In fact, they are only naming the problems in order to give them over to Him.
Lord, I lay my cares and worries at your feet this morning. Please take care of my heart today. Please let me not be humiliated, but let today ring /sing in my heart for many days to come because of your blessings and faithfulness. I know that you are near Lord, thank you, Amen.

Thank you for the alpha group that I facilitated today, thank you that people were real and honest, thank you that people restrain from giving pat answers that they think they should say, thank you that people voice their frustrations and their joys regarding their experiences with you, thank you that we are all different, thank you that I didn’t become flummoxed by confrontation, scared to speak, frightened of silence, thank you that people are excited to come on the weekend, thank you that there is real introspection going on, please be active in peoples hearts, please let the discussion bring about real change in people’s hearts and attitudes about who you are, who the church is, and who they are in your eyes, thank you for all the blessings that you have brought into my life this week: notes from friends, encouraging telephone calls, email replies, opportunities to share the bounty that I have, opportunities to bring relief and joy to others, opportunities to speak one on one with people about the difficult and heart-close struggles in their lives, the ability to speak when you nudge me to speak – without fear, just thank you for confidence today.

Dear God,
Thankyou for a sunny morning, and the chance to sleep in, and the kind tutors at school, and the incredibly good chance to learn about You while I work, please provide me with dedication and diligence today, I do not have the will power to sit and study… I have tried on my own… and it just does not happen… I am weak and flighty, prone to procrastination and self indulgence. My inability to complete even ONE task in the past month has filled me with self loathing and I am so tired of it. Please put Your fire and passion into my bones today, guide my eyes over the lines on the computer screen and the pages of the text book, let me not give up today. Thanks, Amen

How do you know even, when you’re being honest with yourself or when you’re deceiving yourself just cuz it’s easier…? How do you know when you’re really letting something go, or when you’re secretly holding the desire for it close to your chest?

What are words anyways.
Language.
Language, words can be faulty. Can sound nice, but can be totally false.

Where is my substance?

i feel it in my bones, my feet, my knees, how hard it must be to get old! i feel lonely in this new city.

even when i am not faithful.
thank you for being here
even when i am far far away.
thank you for working in the hearts and lives of the people i love. thank you for hope. thank you for all the green things that are bursting around me. thank you for the rain which makes everything clean. thank you for the joy of my dog and my hubby; it is indescribable. thank you for the wisdom in my husband’s thoughts and words. thank you for the gifts that allow him to create with his mind and with his hands. thank you for the soft heart that you have given to him… i’m certain this was so he could have a delicate touch when dealing with my hard heart. thank you for the temple-tones. thank you for Anticipate and mr. z. thank you for z’s family who raised him to be so loving and gentle and who encouraged him to be creative. thank you for ondrea who keeps his heart safe. thank you for morgan’s performance; it was so inspiring and such a time of wonderful worship. thank you for t’s zest for life. thank you for 43Things… where i can purge my heart with confidence.

je t’aime, je t’adore.
+ thanks for J-O & Nicky-G who make me feel young.

was really impacting. was really real. was really funny at times. was inspiring. was encouraging. was challenging.

just lay out in the road and say “okay, it’s yours”

talking about ‘just me and god’, i have a visual… well, it actually seems like something i feel with ALL of my senses: of a wind/rain/hail swept sandstone boulder, up high, exposed to the elements, like the fking storms of life, and the way they toss you around and smash you underfoot, and make you feel like less than nothing… i have this vision of just lying there, exposed to the hatred of the world and having nothing nothing left to rely on except god. i think it’s the warmth of the rock (you know how sandstone absorbs heat/sunshine?) that makes this real for me… i can so clearly feel the scratchiness of the rock against my cheek, and the warmth of it slowly seeping into my weepy consciousness. i remember this place, out in nowhere (but god is with us everywhere isn’t he?), and i remember that i’m not dead, i still feel the warmth, the scratchiness, the wind and elements, and i remember that God is With Me.

He’s really the only thing propping me up in life. He’s really the only thing that I can depend on… even the stone wears away, but in that case, it will be God’s big hand holding my broken self, won’t it?

xxoo 43Thingers

people laughing, people being ridiculously silly, fourteen kids in the house, Al giving ‘butt singes’ by holding toddlers’ backsides up to the ceiling lights, surrounded by folks who love jesus – love him – and who care, are supportive, are encouraging, but are damaged and normal just like everyone… they are my ‘pillars’ my models of ‘giants’ in the church, a pack of 22-32 year olds who just love god. And that’s all that I have in common with them.

plus i am a great laugher, and cheer on their jokes. hoorah for celebrating American Thanksgiving in Canada! here’s to the transplanted!