Allow the toxins, my mother keeps throwing at me, to bounce off as balanced karma

(I’m gonna permit myself 15 minutes of grumbling and moaning and allow myself to feel the heart-break. Then, I’m gonna look inside my weary self, find my Self and get some 360° on this.)

It’s Not fair!!!!!!!!! I’m a good person. (I think. Though how horrible does a person have to be for her own mother to spread lies about her, abandon her, suggest that other people abandon her?) Since I was a kid, I’ve been the one standing-up for her when she needed standing up for, giving her big memorable birthday parties, taking her on trips, showing up on a moment’s notice, from another country, because she desperately needed something, doing whatever needed doing to ‘make her dreams come true’, begging my siblings after finding them through a series of ‘coincidences’ (she ‘gave them away’ when we were pre-schoolers), not to spit on her and walk away, not to abandon her like she did us … I’ve been the one who kept forgiving and giving another chance … Truth is this has been a one-sided relationship. And in my dreadful need to have her love me – I have enabled it all and have, like a junkie, kept going back.

The latest should cure me, huh!? She hasn’t been sick or lost or lost her memory for the past 18 ish months. She told someone we know, when they happened to meet in a local store – she has been actively avoiding me, hiding from me. She admits she is creating legal issues, because in a rage (often happens when I’m around her and she is lying/fabricating/misrepresenting and/or doing the passive-aggressive thing) I said F#!k (because I know she hates it and finds it vile) and said it and said it and said it!!! … because of that she never wants to have contact with me again.
(Okay. The fog and and the tears are clearing. Time is up.)

That hurts. It hurts deep and wide and how do I …? Okay. For starters – this woman will now be referred to as my birth mother and be known by her name. (I know it’s a fake-out. I need it to help myself separate from the expectations I still have of a mother who loves me. Clearly, coming to terms with that is part of the ‘lesson’.

My higher Self is trying to kick-in.

The rest of me still wants to be enraged, resentful and victim. What did I do to deserve this? Did I just get all Big and full-of-myself (before incarnating) and decide to take this on? No. There’s got to be more to it than that. Have the roles been reversed in another time? Did I treat her like she didn’t matter, like she was replaceable with a ‘flavour-of-the-week ‘adopted’ child/person?

She began the legal issues to prove a point! (f#@k is vile). I need to resolve them to get free. Going through the process, paying the lawyer fees, being haunted by endless paperwork, having to gather and collect evidence … seems to be part of the karmic balance. Then I walk – without engaging in anything that furthers other lifetimes together. Yes.

(Thank you ButterflyBubbles – one more baby step to lightness.)

Whew! That was tough. Time for a nap … or some art

Sometimes, even when gunk is goin’ down and I want to scream and flail at the unfairness, I can get to the ‘being soul’ place. And I remember (or am reminded by a friend or life or ‘a coincidence’) that she is actually helping provide me with an opportunity to continue to evolve.

Mostly, the perspective from my most authentic Self is fleeting. Sometimes, I can get in the zone for long enough to truly feel detached from the pain and thankful for the micro-movement toward release.

(Oops. I guess I added this entry (previously) as if I was someone else. I hope I fixed it.)

The more time that passes the more I come to terms with the loss of my mother’s presence in my life. She’s always (this life) been minimalistic. Now though she is blatant about her disinterest in us. It hurts more, but it’s more honest than when we were growing up in ‘day care homes’.

I’m really working to detach. Maybe it’s my ego. Maybe it doesn’t want to not be wanted?

Hopefully, there will be contact to at least resolve the legal issues.

May the blessings be

It’ll be interesting to figure out what the heck is behind the gunk between my (current) mother and I. It’s clearly more than a few truckloads from previous lives together.

Choosing someone, to be my mom, who is and always (this life) has been such a rub to me (& me to her) is clearly a choice to work through some issues. Growing myself (soul) up in such tormented relationship has been a deeply sorrowful and painful all my life.

This latest stuff is tearing holes in me – the ultimate abandonment:( How can I find and maintain an enlightened soul, detachment when her behaviour makes me feel violent?